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sex while trying R?

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raich posted 11/14/2013 00:10 AM

On one hand i feel an intense need to be with her and feel good and wanted. But the next minute i feel all lust gone as what she did flash past in my mind.

What should i do? Should i try to it aside and be with WW as part of the healing and R or should i avoid it?

Right now i feel us drifting more apart as she can't quite deal with what she has done and can barely look at me because she sees the pain im in.

So she goes to bed early and i stay up late because i can't sleep or get the thoughts away.

[This message edited by raich at 12:11 AM, November 14th (Thursday)]

morethantrying posted 11/14/2013 03:45 AM

I am the BS and I decided to seduce the life out of him. I am glad I did. It made me feel better and him as well as he thought I would never want to be with him again. I did it within a matter of a few weeks after D day...it maybe was not easy, but by that I Reclaimed HIM BACK from the As...so I felt. It is never easy, but for me it was best to do it and just keep doing whatever it take to move forward...it may feel difficult at first but time with help..did for me any way.

[This message edited by morethantrying at 3:46 AM, November 14th (Thursday)]

steadfast1973 posted 11/14/2013 07:17 AM

I had sex with WH on dday. I totally had the need to reclaim him. I worry it was a mistake...

Heartbroken2013 posted 11/14/2013 07:51 AM

I had sex with H the day after D-Day.

I had to re-claim him. He was mine!

It was good sex (HB)

Nearly a year later .... its still good sex.

I got TT and finally got the whole truth Oct past. HB wasn't so good this time.

Trust that I had built up for 10 mths were again shattered .... so this time I slapped him!

Much better than sex!

Sammy2013 posted 11/14/2013 08:17 AM

I feel you Raich. I'm only a few weeks out if PA DDay. We have been intimate a few times, but I have a hard time. Last night I was all for it. I had IC that morning and then his Mom called me (he told her what he did). So the scab had been ripped off. Then his sister was texting so I was bleeding throughout the day. I wanted to connect. Unfortunately, I couldn't stop the mental movies and then the sadness. He was great about it, put on a funny movie to help lighten things up. He fell asleep and I proceeded to downward spiral. Spent majority of the night crying and slept in guest room.

The mental movies stopped, but the pain just continued. It just hurts so much.
((((Hugs)))) to you.

LearnToLoveAgain posted 11/14/2013 08:24 AM

We had sex the day he told me (Even when I was convinced he had actual sex with the girl) and did the next day and next day etc. then it stopped cause it got to be to much (I was angry and hurt) but now it's better than ever. Just do what's right for you and what feels right.

blakesteele posted 11/14/2013 08:47 AM

Sex is challenging after DD...particularly for a man....for obvious physical reasons. I am not suggesting women have it easy...just if you have to "just make it through" sex, women can and men can't.

My wife cries after orgasms now....I want to cry sometimes during and after sex too.

I have no answers for you other then to say sex is important...and when it is not right, it affects most other aspects of the relationship.

We are about once every 10-14 days now....and it is fine by both of us. We were a 2-5 times a week couple pre-A....so way off the mark. But we had intimacy issues pre-A that neither of us wanted to face.

God help us all....I pray time and continued attempts at sex will improve our sex life.

I do miss sex.....wife and I agreed no sexual gratification outside of together period....including no self gratification.

Are you in counseling?

Our MC was lack luster as a MC...so we are currently not in counseling.

I am reading up on sex and intimacy...it is very different to a man and to a woman. no surprise there....just havent learned enough to actually put something into practice.

We did NOT have HB sex...


Mind movies suck.....but at 14 months out I can ride through them most of the time. I think mind movies are one of the reasons I am fine with the infrequency of our love making. sigh. I regularly pray for courage.

Peace to you.

tushnurse posted 11/14/2013 09:29 AM

Sex and being intimate with your spouse can be an incredibly healing part of R. It can also be an emotional and physical struggle.

If you have both gone and had testing, and everything is all clear, and you have desire to be with her, then by all means go for it.

Many of us struggle with what our brains are thinking while being intimate, and that can be a real struggle. This is when I switched my thought process from making love with my H to just F'ing him. I also made it very much about me, and the physical feelings, and enjoyment of it. We did have a post dday HB period where I felt the need to reclaim him, and did. But then as the reality set in, and some mind movies, it was emotionally draining, and frustrating for WS, as it would often end with me crying and nobody being satisfied (if you catch my drift). So I focused on the purely physical part of it. Which meant a discussion with H. Saying hey I am really trying here, and want to do this, but this is what is happening. I need to be the center of your attention and you to focus on makinge me feel like a queen. It worked, and honestly, switching up where, and when helped as well. A lot of quickies, so there wasn't time to stop and think about things helped too.

As I healed, I found making it just about the physical incredibly freeing, and made me stretch my sexual wings a bit. We have a great sex life now, and are very intimate with each other. I win, no more thoughts of OW in the bedroom, and I now know how to get what I want, and am lucky to have a spouse and lover that focuses on my pleasure.

Being intimate was achieved through R by other ways than having sex. He held me at night as I fell asleep, he held my hand all the time, we snuggled on the couch. Intimacy became very different in our relationship as a result of all of this, and quite honestly it's much better now than before.

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