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D or R - IC perspective

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myalterego posted 11/14/2013 06:23 AM

I met with a IC this week for the first time - part of what I'm doing is trying to figure out if I can ever R (and trust again) or should I not even waste the time and go straight to D.

backstory: SAHM for 10+ years, WS travels, EA 2 years ago - seemed remorseful, inappropriate texting/emails discovered a month ago. I have not confronted because I don't want to be gaslit - I want to be prepared. Waiting until January so family can have one last holidays together and gathering financial information, tax information, etc.

I told the IC I wanted to meet to help me determine if I can ever get to a trust point and truly R or not (should I just throw in the towel and go straight to D). The IC listened and at the end... went into a whole discussion of how kids will be bruised - and maybe even scarred. It would be best to avoid scarring them. Also, our M can get to a better place but we will both have to change and it will take hard work.

My rant:
- yes, asshat, I get that the kids will be affected... why do you think I'm not doing it now and waiting? (because I like having sleepless nights and like being paranoid checking phone logs?) I am the one that has does virtually everything for the kids - you don't think I'm taking that into consideration?!?

- yes, I get that our M has to change. But I'm not the one that did anything wrong. Why is it MY hard work? I get that we need to get to a different type of relationship, but how much is his change vs my change?

I'm giving the IC one more chance to see if I feel better and that it is more productive. Otherwise, I will jettison this IC. I don't need anyone telling me the kids will be impacted... I have enough "mommy guilt" already!

Any thoughts? am I off base?

phmh posted 11/14/2013 06:37 AM

I don't think you're off base at all. ICs are human, and have biases, just like anyone else.

It sounds like this one is more biased than most. Perhaps she is a BS who decided to stay with her cheater and wants to validate her decision?

Personally, I'd find someone else who could be impartial.

Also, my IC was so accepting and helpful. For yours to make you feel guilt in your first session -- that just makes me mad for you.

I'm sorry. Give her another chance if you'd like (I wouldn't), but if you still feel this way after another session, find someone else. You deserve to have someone who's 100% in your corner and helping you to make the best decision for your situation.

alphakitte posted 11/14/2013 06:42 AM

It sounds like you may be further ahead in the decision making process than your IC is aware of, thus the reason for the IC commenting on the affect to children. Sometimes, when we have mulled something over, repeatedly, we don't express all the things we've taken into consideration when we describe it to someone else.

This IC maynot be the one for you if they didn't ask you enough questions in order to determine where you are in the decision making process and wasting a good portion of your first appointment.

cayc posted 11/14/2013 07:01 AM

Find a new IC. The one you're seeing is just sending you on a guilt trip unnecessarily, and apparently can only see you as a mother who has no right to her feelings, not as an individual who has children.

Dreamboat posted 11/14/2013 07:40 AM

Find a new IC. The one you're seeing is just sending you on a guilt trip unnecessarily, and apparently can only see you as a mother who has no right to her feelings, not as an individual who has children.


myalterego posted 11/14/2013 07:45 AM

@ phmh, good thinking about different perspectives. I am guessing that this IC is pretty religious since there were stained glass windows around the office door (an in-home office) that seemed religious based. I wonder if the overriding "stay and put in the hard work" message I got was due to that?

Also, I know this IC is big into MC and kids - I don't want to say I was getting the "sell" message, but at some level, I wonder if the IC is thinking... "I'll make more money off her if she stays together than if she D".

@alphakitty, I think the first appointment was mostly my talking and somewhat a stream of consciousness. We only got into IC perspective at the end. Maybe I should have made sure it was a "good fit" first?

@cayc, thanks for validating that I don't need another guilt trip. Sometimes we need to trust our instincts.

fyi, the IC is male. I wonder how much that affects his perspective?

I will give it one more shot - we talked about 'making a plan' when I come next time. I tend to be the person that thinks in specifics and I guess I need to figure out my personal step 1, step 2, etc. I'm hoping that developing a plan will ease my mind and help me sleep at night.

has anyone else "fired" your IC?

solus sto posted 11/14/2013 07:58 AM

I think that your reaction to the IC's feedback is very telling.

I don't know whether he was playing Devil's advocate, or just had that effect, but it seems to me as though you bristled at his advice. As was previously posted, you're farther in your decision-making than the IC (and maybe even you) realizes.

You don't need someone to tell you it's okay to divorce. Frankly, our kids get hurt either way. (Trust me on this; I'm the kid whose parents DIDN'T get divorced, and I can tell you the burden THAT places on young shoulders, the "for the kids" thing.)

Yes, our kids'well-being is of enormous importance. And no, I don't believe in a blanket, "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" stance; I stayed in my marriage longer than I would have liked for kid-related reasons.

But I left at a time that minimized that damage to them while giving ME what I needed.

Because yeah, I'm actually as important as anyone else in this family. And making decisions harmful to myself does NOTHING to benefit my children.

Ashamed14 posted 11/14/2013 09:03 AM

I'm not really sure how you can even consider a R if your haven't confronted your H about his A. I would think his reaction would be very telling and help a great deal with your decision re: D or R.

sparkysable posted 11/14/2013 09:21 AM

I R'ed after the first A. I let IC and MC talk me into giving it another try. XWH turned on his sociopathic charm, and snake-charmed all of us.

Believe me, 6 years later when I found out about this affair, even though I'm now divorced, I kick myself for ever taking him back. I wished I would have left then. I would have been so much farther along.

Thefly559 posted 11/14/2013 11:17 AM

Time for a new counselor . I have been to two marraige counselors, and three independent ones. The one that I found the best was the one who was real! She lived in reality and not in that bullcrap fantasy world of text book psychology . She told me my stbxww was cheating. She never made me feel like crap or imposed her views. She listened and spoke when relevant and above all has my best interest! Like anything else in life there are good and bad ones.just my opinion. Good luck

ExposedNiblet posted 11/14/2013 11:38 AM

First of all, (((myalterego))). I'm sorry you're going through this.

My advice to you would be to not bother giving the IC another chance, but to put all your effort into finding another one who is more supportive.

During my first go round at this carnival, I had an IC strongly encourage me to work on the marriage, as well as our family doctor. I listened to them instead of listening to my gut. It was the worst mistake of my life. I lost years to a false R, as well as a shitload of self-respect.

Sounds to me like you already know what you want, so you really should find an IC that supports you - not tries to change your mind.

Good luck, Friend.

Phoenix1 posted 11/14/2013 12:41 PM

I'm not really sure how you can even consider a R if your haven't confronted your H about his A. I would think his reaction would be very telling and help a great deal with your decision re: D or R.

^^This^^ It sounds like you are mentally prepared to go down either road, but if his reaction to R is one of not being willing to do the work to change that pretty much says that R won't work. If you feel you want to wait until January before you confront, that is certainly a valid choice, and one only you can decided. But you need to confront to see what direction it will take you. In the meantime, plan for the D (doesn't mean you have to do it) and start getting your ducks in a row now in preparation for that, just in case.

myalterego posted 11/15/2013 09:40 AM

@dreamboat, thanks for the confirmation.

@solus, I think I did bristle at what he said. I guess I took the next logical step... stay in the marriage for the sake of the kids. And while he didn't come out and say that, I felt those were his next words.

I know that I can't continue to live this way. I don't sleep well, my emotions are all over the place, and I'm short tempered.

@ashamed, I fully expect him to beg and cry and plead and gaslight. It is what happened 2 years ago. Maybe I'll be surprised in which case, I am fully prepared and ready to go.

@sparky, the snake charming is my fear. I don't want to get pulled back in if we march down this path again. He already got his 2nd chance after 2 years ago - does he get a 3rd?

@thefly, thanks for your perspective. I guess I expected someone to support me, help me move forward with the right thing for me... and I felt insulted in the process. I don't need to pay for that!

@exposed, sounds like you've marched down a similar path. Thanks for the support ... and words of encouragement.

@phoenix, good summary. I have to get myself mentally prepared to D - it was such a foreign concept to me that I need to make myself be strong. At the same time, I will consider R - UNDER THE RIGHT CIRCUMSTANCES. Some of those being: IC, MC, agreed upon division of assets in case of D, some funds in my name only that will not be part of division of assets in case of D. I don't want to be 1 or 2 or 5 years older and less to show for it and a mental case in the process.

His reaction to my questions will be the lynchpin. How transparent he becomes AT THAT MOMENT will determine a lot.

I am waiting because December is a favorite month in my family - a kid's birthday, Christmas. For as much as it is eating my up inside, I need - ironically, for the kids - to keep it together. In the meantime, I am copying records, squirreling away money in a different account, and interviewing L.

thanks all. I feel like you've all got my back : ) Something I used to count on WS for... not so much any more.

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