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Breast Cancer and Infidelity

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brokenpinkribbon posted 11/14/2013 07:26 AM

My D day was May 2013. About a year earlier I had to have a double mastectomy due to having my second round of breast cancer, I didn't have to have Chemo or Radiotherapy as my surgeon had caught it early enough before it had spread to my lymph nodes.
My WS has had an affair with a girl 26 years his junior and i'm absolutely devastated. It was with a girl who worked for us as we have our own business. I can't put into words how crushed I feel at the moment and I'm unsure of what my future holds for our marriage, as he was the love of my life, I thought we had the perfect marriage, 22 years in total.
I had become suspicious a month before I found out and had asked what was going on between them, he lied to my face and said i was going to embarrass myself if I carried on. He was showing similar traits to a previous encounter he had with another girl 17 years earlier when I was pregnant we our first child, I couldn't get proof if anything went on between them, but I was suspicious that something had happened.
My self esteem is zero at present as I feel like damaged goods and no else would want me now as have lost both my breasts, I really thought he loved me, he said he couldn't stand to loose me when I was facing the uncertainty of breast cancer for the second time, now I don't believe a word he tells me, my trust in our marriage is gone, and worst of all I have to face seeing the AP on a regular basis as we still work in the same industry and our paths cross, and the worst part of it is, so does my WS. I can't stand to think he may have seen her, it's like a knife going through my heart every time.
My WS told me he didn't think I showed him enough love, and that I didn't respect him enough, as I sometimes challenged him on running the business, and he took this as a personal criticism.
I want to know everything about the affair but I feel he has not told me everything, he told me that he loved spending time with her which hurts so much. I have given myself 6 months to decide as i have two beautiful girls to consider.
My WS doesn't want to loose me and he said he loves me.... So why have an affair?

heforgotme posted 11/14/2013 08:17 AM


No, sweetheart, you are not.

He is.

Do not allow this atrocity to make you feel this way. He betrayed you. He is the broken one. And the fact that he could do this to you in the face of all you've been through makes it just that much worse.

Mine did it while I had colon cancer. While I was having surgery to remove parts of me. When told that I might need a colostomy he said, "Ohhh, sexy".

They are the broken ones. Not us.

sailorgirl posted 11/14/2013 08:44 AM

My WS doesn't want to loose me and he said he loves me.... So why have an affair?

Because words are cheap.

You are a beautiful woman inside and out, and a loving mother and you are going to survive this.

Look at The Healing Library in the yellow box on the upper left of your screen. Read the BS FAQ, especially the section about the 180.

You need to detach from his selfish, blame-shifting behavior and focus on healing yourself and connecting with your daughters. Block him out and do your favorite mood boosting things for yourself. Tell your doctor what has happened. Ask about support groups. Go to counseling for yourself. Your self-worth will bounce back.

You are not alone.

tushnurse posted 11/14/2013 10:10 AM


I refuse to put broken in front of that, you are NOT broken. You are an amazing woman who is strong, and resilient, and your H is a whiney, selfish broken man.

It is amazing how when life gets tough the brokenness comes out in some people. He had an indiscretion when you pregnant, and he probably felt like he was no longer the center of your world, you got sick, and showed how strong you were, and I bet he felt like you didn't need him.

If he wants to make this work, and save your M, then he best do anything and everything you ask for including IC for him so he can figure out why he hurts you when you are so vulnerable.

Please read in the healing library, figure out what you want. If you want to R, then what do you need from him to do it? You get to be in the drivers seat for R.

Please go see an attorney, and find out what your rights are should he not do what you need him to. Owning a buisness together I am sure complicates things a bit more, but that does not mean you can't come out of this ok. But fear of the unknown can paralyze us. So eliminate the fear and get some facts.

Pink Ribbon, and Heforgotme - You are amazing women, and should be proud of how strong you are. Please wear your scars with pride. Pride for fighting a war and winning. Pride for having the strength to share your private battles with the world.

((((and strength ladies))))

Alpine72 posted 11/14/2013 10:24 AM

Reading this just breaks my heart. Its amazing how manipulative these bastards are! I do not have much advice as I am to new to all this myself- but I can encourage and support!!
(((hugs))) Be strong and WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS!!

brkn_heartd posted 11/14/2013 21:04 PM

He is the broken one. You are a wonderful strong woman and have been through so much. Do not let him push his brokenness on you and do not accept responsibility for it. Remember, there is more to you than your breasts or an arm, leg or uterus. You are a wonderful human that doesn't deserve to be treated like this.

Many of the WS inflict intolerable pain upon their BS. I do not understand it. Mine did too. Right now, take care of yourself and your daughters. You decide what is right for you and them.

Read on the 180 in the healing library. Post here often, there is wonderful support here. Has he fully disclosed passwords? I am assuming since he hasn't told you everything yet, he is still hiding it. Have you demanded No contact (NC) with OW yet?

Hugs to you.

brokenpinkribbon posted 11/15/2013 18:29 PM


I'm so very sorry to hear about what you have been through with your cancer. I thought I had coped really well having my surgery as i thought my husband loved me and he reassured me that he didn't care if I had no breasts.
Infidelity is the most painful thing I have ever experienced, and I have had a few things in life that have challenged me. I don't think anything can prepare you for the pain you feel when your husband/ wife cheats and lies to your face behind you back. I worked with them while they were in the midst of their affair, I try and piece together of times and opportunities they may have had when I was out of sight, telling her he loved her when I was out of ear shot or touching her like he does to me. OMG it' hurts so much to write about it. I am struggling to forgive him, and what makes it so much worse is that I see her at least weekly, and so does he. I can't escape it, and it puts me back to square one. I have a suspicion that he may have spoken to her over the 6 months since their affair and its making me go a bit mad and paranoid. I don't feel in control.

brokenpinkribbon posted 11/15/2013 18:49 PM

To sailorgirl, tushnurse, Alpine72, brkn_heartd,

Thank you to you all for your kind words,
Still learning how to answer you all back, I so very grateful for bothering to take the time to say such lovely words from total strangers.

I am really struggling to cope with what's happened, I feel abandoned by my husband. I turn 47 in a few days, how can I compete with a 19 yr old in looks.
How can you move on? I don't believe anything he tells me anymore. Why is it that they realise after the damage they have done that they actually do love you and don't want to lose you, so why didn't he tell her that he loved me when she came onto him, and tell her he wouldn't risk what we had.
He still hasn't told her that, as he doesn't want to upset set in fear of her telling other people what's happened between them.

Laura28 posted 11/15/2013 19:09 PM

Hi pinkribbon

My heart cries for you.

All of us here know how horrible betrayal is - the sheer devastation and loneliness which comes into our lives after dday.

I can identify so much with your story. Like you I was gaslighted many years ago and soldiered on. My dday was 2 days after my mother's funeral. The horror was compounded when I found out that the morning I sat with her in the hospital while she was dying, FWH was with his latest whore. I had phoned and asked him to come and sit with me as the staff said it would only be a couple of hours but he said he couldn't.

Both of our adult children were battling life threatening illnesses and our DS had major depression. Like you, my sister had a double mastectomy a year before dday. I could go on and on.

I suppose that what I am saying is that for so many BSs the WSs betray us when life seems at it's worst and that is so hard to understand. How on earth could they abandon us when we need them most??? I think this what hurts most. We needed them and they wren't there. Not only that they gave so much to another.

My self esteem is zero at present as I feel like damaged goods and no else would want me now as have lost both my breasts, I really thought he loved me, he said he couldn't stand to loose me when I was facing the uncertainty of breast cancer for the second time, now I don't believe a word he tells me, my trust in our marriage is gone

Self Esteem

Honey I know it is hard to believe but it is not about you. Most WSs would screw anything just to get the ego boost and validation they crave. Please read this:

When I found out I stupidly imagined he was screwing young nubile women. I soon found out they were older than me and not too hot. But what really helped was knowing that they were so weak and lacking in integrity that they would let a MM screw them and then go home to his wife. Scum of the earth!!!

As for your breasts, they are neither an excuse nor an explanation. My sister's husband ENCOURAGED her to have the double mastectomy as he was so terrified of losing her. Your husband's philandering has nothing to do with your surgery. You and I both know that you are the same person you always were. It is his weakness and selfishness that led to his actions.

Let me ask you this. If he got cancer and they had to cut "it" off would you cheat? Of course not. (Mind you so many of us have considered doing a Bobbitt since dday )

My WS told me he didn't think I showed him enough love, and that I didn't respect him enough, as I sometimes challenged him on running the business, and he took this as a personal criticism.

They always do this honey. We joke here on SI about the WS's handbook. They all do and say the same sort of stuff to justify their fucktardness. Poor little WS wasn't getting enough attention from his sick wife. If it hadn't been these things it would probably be about how you washed his socks. At first my WS said it was because I didn't show him enough affection, have sex often enough etc etc etc. When I shot down those arguments he told me it was because I criticised his driving 20 years ago in front of his mother (All I did was quietly remind him of the speed limit) and because I wouldn't let him have the roof line he wanted when we built our house 15 years ago. I then reminded him that he was screwing OW1 before that!!!

Blaming you is a weak attempt to justify what he did to make him feel better. Just as he did while he was screwing the whore. WSs have to do this so they can sleep at night. here on SI we call that "blameshifting". There must be a whole chapter in the WS's handbook on this one.

Honey you are loyal loving wife who did NOTHING to deserve this. Your WS and the whore are weak, selfish individuals with no integrity.

Take care and BIG HUGS


brkn_heartd posted 11/17/2013 10:45 AM

Maybe you should out it. Insist that she is eliminated from his business. You can not compete with a 19 year old in looks....but that is really not what this is about. This is about his own sick need for validation. Not about the size or looks of her breasts.

Many will tell you the AP was homely looking. This is not about looks. It is something hard to understand and hard to deal with. I struggle with that myself. I have recently lost a significantly amount of weight. He gushes over it. Of course I ask myself if I had been smaller would that have prevented the A? The answer is still NO. He was broken and he was sick. Period. As your husband is.

Is he providing you any kind of support through this? Are you daughters aware of what is going on yet? Hugs to you.

AppleBlossom posted 11/17/2013 15:54 PM

Oh Pinkribbon, how badly this man has treated you. I can see a real pattern here - whenever you face a challenge, be it pregnancy or cancer - that means the focus is on you and your needs, he punishes you by being unfaithful.

I hope some day you see how powerful and strong you are and what a weak man he is.

For now, focus on you and your needs.

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