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Newest Member: Alleycats (61167)

User Topic: 180 Question
♀ 41224
Member # 41224
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me again. So, I've gotten some of the facts. I don't have enough though. WH can't seem to remember it all. I've been trying to implement the 180 in full but so far failing miserably. Today I am going to give it another shot. My question is this....since I'm going to back off and try to just concentrate on myself, how can I get more answers from him? Do I just wait until he spills it all?
Or, can I continue to ask questions?
He says it was only a 3 month or so EA but I'm not so sure.
I'm going to temp today (usually a SAHM) but I need to get out of here and earn some money for myself!
Will check in soon!

Me: BW 49
Him: WS 42(Had EA with COW...less than 3 months in duration: update: this was a lie. It was over two years of e-mails, calls, parking lot meetings, texts), NC in place.
Married: 21+ yrs; together 19+years
2 DD's; 1 DS

Posts: 111 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
♀ 41038
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would say don't ask. Here is #19 from the 180:

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

DDay - 12/2010
Fully R'd - I love my husband

Posts: 2246 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
♀ 41153
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((hugs back!))))

I say focus on the 180 and write the questions you have in your journal, to be addressed at some point when you and your spouse are ready. Take care of yourself!

My WH and I have a scheduled time every night to talk, but I don't think I am ready for more details right now, nor am I ready for the battle that conversation may become if he isn't ready to share them. If he said he "forgot" I am not sure I could believe him.

I've seen enough.

D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.

Posts: 122 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
♀ 41100
Member # 41100
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been wondering the same thing myself lately, so thank you for this thread! Keeping a journal is a good idea. Right now, I find I don't have much of a burning desire to know the details, but I suspect someday I will. Everything I've read indicates that BSes eventually need to know the whole story so they can create a complete narrative of their past in the wake of all the lies and secrets being blown apart.


I know how tough it is, and I wish I had any easy answers. Just know you're not alone.

Me: BS, 26
Him: WH, 28
D-Day: 10/23/13

"Are you hurting the one you love?
You said you got to heaven, but it wasn't enough."

Posts: 57 | Registered: Oct 2013
♂ 37529
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

StormyPrincess -

I am of the opinion that the 180 is not for everyone's and often is over recommended on here without knowing the details of each person's situation.

Why are you doing the 180?

I read a little bit of your story from other posts and you sound like you are very new since dday. If your WH expresses remorse (only time will tell if the remorse if real though), has cut off contact with AP, wants to continue M and is attempting to answer questions I dont think the full 180 is always a good idea. If you want more questions to be answered, keep asking them. Get the information you need.

It is perfectly ok to be in more of a not R and not D type mode so early - you don't need to do the full 180 to be in that mode. There are parts of the 180 that may be good for you - go ahead and do those things. It is important to be watching your WH actions right now as well as his words, he is going to have to earn back your trust. I recommend giving him plenty of opportunities to keep proving to you that he is capable of trust. Him answering your questions to help you test if you are getting truthful information is one of the ways to do this. If you do a full 180 you are not as able to test him.

Now if your WH was not giving remorse or not in no contact with AP or not wanting to continue M or not answering questions in your opinion then yes, 180 may be the route to go. The not remembering answer to some questions may be difficult to decide. Does your WH have a good memory typically? Is the question you asked something that might be hard to remember because it is very detailed? Sometimes it does take a WS a little while to stop and put together the details you want. Having them put together a written timeline may help. You will have to judge if the "I don't remember" answer is because he really doesn't remember or if it is he doesn't want to tell you.

[This message edited by ReunitePangea at 1:37 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]

BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 489 | Registered: Nov 2012
Topic Posts: 5

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