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My poor daughter - Bus Stop issues. Sorry long.

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simplydevastated posted 11/14/2013 08:20 AM

Some afternoons my son goes to the bus stop to meet DD7 to help me out. Last Thursday my kids came home from the bus stop completely freaked out and I ask them what happened.

They said that they were running down the sidewalk and DD7 said to DS10 "Come on, we have to get home quick because I have dance class tonight." So they started running. A little girl (I'll call her L) started running after them and said "I'm going to tell my mom to talk to your mom because you're bullying me." WHAT! My kids have never said a mean thing to anyone. They know what are "good" words and what are "bad" words and they won't even say the word stupid because they know it as a bad word.

I asked them if they said anything that could be misconstrued as being mean. They said "No mom, we didn't even talk to her. We started running home because of dance class tonight." They even said that when L made her comment that they stopped and DD7 said "I'm going to be late for dance class." (It's not until 6 but she gets excited on Thursdays ) L then said that she didn't believe her and that they were bullying her. My kids NEVER said anything to her.

I called one of the mother's at the bus stop to find out what happened and she confirmed what my kids said. So why is L making this stuff up? I contacted the principal Friday morning and explained what happened because I wasn't sure if L would go into the office and make up a story to the principal. Well, the principal got a pretty good chuckle. She said that she knows my two kids and that she doesn't even think the DD7 has it in her to mean. This is a girl who collects leaves on the way to the bus stop to pass around to all the kids. She seriously does not have mean bone in her body.

Before all this started L could barely make it to the bus stop. She was probably on the bus this year for a total of 10 times before all of this happened. There's been a few times when she would be running down the sidewalk with a waffle in her hand. She even missed the first two days of school because she said she didn't know when school started.

Now, here's the problem. All the kids are ignoring my daughter. She tries to play games with them and they don't include her. She asks to sit with one girl who is in first grade (my daughter is in second grade) and this girl keeps telling her no, that she doesn't want to sit with her. One of the other mom's who would tell me that she doesn't like L because she makes things up, she doesn't trust her, and didn't make her a treat bag for Halloween (but did for DD7) is now hugging L and fixing her coat etc... Meanwhile that mother's oldest daughter (fourth grade) is glaring at me and DD7.

What the hell did DD7 do wrong to be treated like this? It breaks my heart to watch it. She just wants to be friends with everyone. I was thinking about switching her from bus to car line, but then I don't know if that will look like she's guilty of something she didn't do, kwim? I also don't want to isolate her from any other friends she may have on the bus. She tells me that she does know other kids but they always have plans to sit with other kids.

Maybe I'm being a bit over sensitive, but it just bothers me that she's being treated like this. To be honest, it would bother me if this was happening to another child and I would be the one to make sure they they don't feel excluded.

Sometimes I don't which is harder, being a kid, being and adult or being a parent.

tushnurse posted 11/14/2013 08:29 AM


There will be many more heartbreaking things that happen to your kiddo along the way, take a deep breath. Has your DD notice that the other kids are ignoring her, or said anything about feeling bad about the way they are treating her?

Kids are silly, and mean, and many times it seems for no particular reason. I get the upset and frustration you are feeling, but I am also guessing that this will pass quickly.

If your daughter is feeling ostricized, just reinforce to her that she is a wonderful kid, and if someone chooses to not be her friend then they are the one missing out. She is doing the right thing by being kind to everyone, and if they choose to ignore her, that is their choice, and has more to do with their own problems than any one thing your daughter is doing.

My DS tended not to fit in, and often had very few friends esp when he was young, Kg, 1st-3rd grades. I just always told him some people choose to not be your friend because they are either jealous of you, or intimitated by you, and that has nothing to do with you. Just always be nice, and if they want to be your friend great, but if not, you know you have x, y, and Z that are your friends, and that's enough.

((((and stregnth momma))))

She11ybeanz posted 11/14/2013 08:30 AM

I wish I had answers for you. All I can say that *I* was the bullied one in middle school. I hated middle school and high school. I was the fat kid (180 pounds at age 10 and 240 pounds at age 17) and had pimples and braces from grade 10 and up through graduation.... was the nerd who got good grades but didn't play sports... HECK...I even played a violin!

I don't have many fond memories of grade school and don't miss it one bit! I loved college! Kids mature and friends become REAL. I have a couple of real friends I had when I was a kid. But, like my dad always said.... you will be able to count all of your REAL friends on one hand throughout your life. People will come and go....but those will be the ones to stand by your side.

There will always be bullies. There will always be kids that are picked on. And, as a parent myself, it would break my heart also to watch my daughter (who is 15 months old) be bullied like I was. I don't want that for her. But, if she goes through it, I will help her through the rough times, reassure her that it won't last forever, and that grade school is but a blip in her life. None of those kids will even matter to her 15 years from now. Seriously. In fact, they will probably seek out YOUR daughter for friendship then because she will be smart, successful, and beautiful and they will wish they had been nicer to her when they had the chance.

I have great teeth now.... weigh 100 pounds marathons....have a masters degree... and am not that bullied little girl anymore. Needless to say....I have had many a past bully try to buddy up to me....and I am actually nice to them. Because deep bully other kids due to insecurities that they have within themselves. It has nothing to do with their target. It has EVERYTHING to do with issues they have in their own lives.

((BIGHUGZ)) I hope things work out and get better for your DD7. She sounds like a real sweetie!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 9:02 AM, November 14th (Thursday)]

simplydevastated posted 11/14/2013 08:50 AM

Thank you both so much. I know you are both SO right. I've even said similar things to both my children about friends and how kids change their minds about friends etc... it just hurts to see her going through this.

L must have some serious issues if she feels that she has to try and turn everyone at the bus stop to not like DD7.

TN, she has noticed. You can see it all over her face that it bothers her, but when you ask her what's wrong she'll say "nothing." I always tell her that she she can come to me and talk to me about anything.

I'm hoping it passes quickly.

My son had issues making friends in elementary school. In Catholic school on his first day of kindergarten one boy told him he was stupid. That stuck with him for the rest of the time he was there. Now that he's in fifth grade he is in with a good group of boys and he's always coming home saying "I played Star Wars with M, Z, and A today." or "You should hear what M said..." It so nice to hear all that.

DD7 does have some close friends in her class and she made a good friend with a boy in a different classroom, and another boy in (God help me she's friends with a lot of boys ) in third grade. So she does have friends, it's just this non-sense at the bus stop that never should have happened. It's all non-sense.

Shell, I understand that, too. I was bullied in school from kindergarten all the way through tenth grade until I transferred out of the school system (played violin, too. I wish I kept up with it.) The only years of school that I liked were my junior and senior years.

You have a fantastic life now and the good thing about going through what we did is that we can relate to our kids and help them, but it hurts just knowing that the pattern is repeating.

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 8:51 AM, November 14th (Thursday)]

tushnurse posted 11/14/2013 09:00 AM

No worries about her having lots of boy friends. She has an older brother, she identifies with them more. My girl did too, and still does, she hates all the teen drama, and tends to run with a group that is more boys than girls.

She11ybeanz posted 11/14/2013 09:24 AM

I think when you are picked on growing up, it actually matures you emotionally and makes you a stronger and better person. I think that I have such great character and a good personality NOW because back then, I couldn't rely on my looks to help me out in getting friends. They didn't come easy! The friends I do have....I've kept! I have one friend of 29 years and my best friend of 23 years! I am 34 years old! And, both of them are a big part of my life and I met them while in grade school. She will make REAL friends and she will cherish them. She will come out of this situation a little wiser and stronger for having endured it and she has an awesome mommy that will help her through the rough patches! Just keep doing what you are doing! I think you are handling everything very well!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 9:25 AM, November 14th (Thursday)]

Lionne posted 11/14/2013 09:30 AM

I think this needs to be addressed. Is there a counselor at school who could meet with the children and get to the bottom of the problem? The CHILDREN should be guided to work this out, with the assistance of an impartial adult.

Shame on those adults who are taking sides. (SD, of course you are an exception.) if L is needing attention and making up things about others, she needs counseling. It isn't happening only at the bus stop, it's certainly happening in class as well.

simplydevastated posted 11/14/2013 10:03 AM

No worries about her having lots of boy friends. She has an older brother, she identifies with them more. My girl did too, and still does, she hates all the teen drama, and tends to run with a group that is more boys than girls.

I think she's like me in this case. I've always connected more with boys than girls. She should be fine. Over the summer her brother teased her about having a hot date and she said "I'm too young to date, besides, boys are inappropriate."

I think when you are picked on growing up, it actually matures you emotionally and makes you a stronger and better person.

I think you are spot on with this. I'm glad you have such good friends. I have one from high school. We don't get together as much as I'd like, though.

My daughter has a really close friend that she's known since she was a couple months old because her brother is friends with her brother since they were 4 months old. Those four are inseparable. Also, as I've been typing this, I've been texting with another friend's mother and we're getting DD7 and her daughter together to play sometime soon. So she really doesn't need these bus stop kids in her life.

SK, When I called the principal she said that she and the guidance counselor would talk to L about the difference between a child being mean (which DD7 wasn't and she understands that) and bullying. I'm not sure if they did that, but that's what I was told they were going to do. Of course L could always turn around on the bus and talk to the other kids and say that DD7 got her in trouble... I have no idea what is going through this kids head. The principal also said that she knows the family and highly doubts that the parents would come talk to me.

Thank you, I'm trying.

She11ybeanz posted 11/14/2013 12:32 PM

I think you are doing everything "within your power" in this situation and its just going to be one of those learning experiences that she will have to endure. It will pass and so will these children. And, like a fleeting memory, that's what they will be to her. Just someone in her past who helped shape her into the amazing woman she will become!

Lionne posted 11/14/2013 12:47 PM

I'm glad you are being proactive. As a retired teacher, I know the bus stop drama can carry over into the classroom. I also agree with you that making sure that she has other good friends will make all the difference in the world.
L sounds like a significantly troubled child who is jealous of your daughter...

simplydevastated posted 11/14/2013 13:03 PM

Thanks Shell. I had to tell my husband about it and he told me I should glare back at the other girl. I told him that would be just as juvenile as her doing it in the first place.

This girl is going to have to change her attitude quickly because next year she'll be on the same bus as my son and the kids on that bus (fifth and sixth graders) will not take that garbage for her. She's going to have a miserable time.

I hope for DD7's sake it does pass quickly. She already has a good head on her shoulders. She's very kind and caring. I'm just waiting to hear back from her friend's mother about getting the girls together. This will be fun for her and I think then she'll realize that the bus stop kids don't matter.

SK, I'm very active with my kids in general, especially in their education. DD7 told me about about a boy who said "I'm going to kill you by your neck." He said this over being last in line. He wanted to be last in line and she wanted to get away from some kids who were picking on her for being friends with a boy. So I contacted the teacher that night and she had a talk with all of the kids. When the boy heard that DD7 was scared to go to school he started crying which tells me he was just a frustrated 7 yr old and didn't pick his words wisely. He apologized to DD7 and they've been good since. She's in with a really good teacher so I know that if L makes anything up at school her teacher will take care of things.

I was wondering if L had a bit of jealously for some reason. She's the only one at the bus stop who doesn't have a parent there, she can barely get herself to school on time. No one picks her up when there's bad weather (pouring rain or snow/ice) so I've driven her home before. I'm not sure what's going through her mind.

She11ybeanz posted 11/14/2013 13:11 PM

I was wondering if L had a bit of jealously for some reason. She's the only one at the bus stop who doesn't have a parent there, she can barely get herself to school on time. No one picks her up when there's bad weather (pouring rain or snow/ice) so I've driven her home before. I'm not sure what's going through her mind.

If this girl has a troubled home life, abusive, or just otherwise uninvolved parents, than that could definitely explain a lot about why she may be lashing out at your daughter. Many times bullies ARE bullies because they have problems at home or within themselves. If this poor girl isn't getting the love, support, and attention she needs at home....than she will get attention elsewhere. Bad attention is still attention.... IMO. Your daughter isn't a bully because she has a loving, attentive, caring, and supportive family life and she has no need to lash out at other children and was raised to treat others kindly.

I say BRAVO to you for being a good stable parent to her.... and for giving that poor other girl rides home in her bad situation. I will definitely pray for her because it sounds like there is a lot going on there that you or everyone else NOT in her household are aware of.

simplydevastated posted 11/14/2013 15:14 PM

The thing that really bothers me is that I was the one always sticking up for her and concerned about her. I helped her with her coat, gave her lifts home, even helped get a bee away from her when she was afraid. Now she pulls this.

I picked DD7 up at the bus stop today in my car and I saw her looking into the windows at my kids. I just did my 3-point turn and drove home.

My compassion goes so far. Until someone starts messing with my kids, that's when it ends. I know I shouldn't be like that, but my kids come first.

simplydevastated posted 11/15/2013 08:09 AM

So, this morning at the bus stop...

We arrived about five minutes late because I was talking to DD7. She told me that she really doesn't have anyone to sit with on the bus and one other girl is using DD7 as a "backup" when her other friend is out sick. She told me this morning that she want to be car-line.

I told her I'll think about it because I don't want it to look like she's running away from something that she didn't do and that she has as much right to ride the bus as anyone else.

I also told her not to worry about the bus stop kids. I said that if they don't want to include you in on their games or talk to you then they should even be a blip on your friendship radar and that they are the ones missing out on a great friend. I said to her that she's not missing out on being friends with them. I also said that if they don't talk to you, then don't talk to them, but to always remember your manners if they do talk to you.

After all that, we get to the bus stop. L isn't there and the older girl (4th grader) starts talking to DD7. The mom who ignored started to ignored us started to talk to DD7 and asked why she was so quiet and she start to run her fingers in her hair and she pinched her cheek a little bit to make DD7 smile. Then L comes up about a minute before the bus pulls up and the 4th grader (I'll call her H) runs up to be with her (L is in 3rd grade).

After the kids get on the bus the mom turns to me and says "I don't like how H is getting close to L. There's something not right with her." I responded with "If L can lie about DD7, then I would be worried that she'll do it to H." Then I walked home.

This is turning into a soap opera - As The Wheels Turn."

ajsmom posted 11/15/2013 08:21 AM

This is turning into a soap opera


And seven year-old are driving the bus.


tushnurse posted 11/15/2013 09:37 AM

Amen Aj's

First of all a little bullying never hurt anyone, and does help build character.
However when it gets out of control it's an issue, quite honestly this is just girls being girls stuff, and it will get a whole lot worse before it gets better, just wait until middle school/jr. high.

All you can do is keep telling your kids they are awesome.

simplydevastated posted 11/15/2013 10:39 AM

All you can do is keep telling your kids they are awesome.

I do this all the time. I'm hoping it gets better when she's in middle school. My son has finally made some good friends this year. This is his first year of middle school. But girls are different...

Pentup posted 11/15/2013 11:24 AM

I think L is jealous and probably wishes you were her Mom. Your daughter has you as the mom, so she is the enemy.

I know it would be difficult, but what about a play date with L at your house? Maybe more positive role models might help her (and by default) your daughter out. Just an idea.

sullymeishadomi posted 11/16/2013 05:24 AM

Sd, I agree with everyone on here, you are being a great mom. You are giving your dd tools that will enrich her life.

I am guessing by what you wrote L is about 8 or 9. Why did she accuse your dd of bullying? Any reason. She could just be a lying brat (I used to live near one of those. Her sister being in kinder this yr was a small part of the reason I transfered my kids to another school. The younger one is worse). Or she could be emotionally/developementally younger than her age and may have not been able to compute your dd was running * toward* something, not away from her

The term bully has a strong stigma. It is pushed heavily in schools. Young kids like ours (my dd is also 7) dont always understand the difference between bad behavior and bully behavior. They think any behavior remotely negative is bully behavior. I have had to correct dd several times when she returned home with "little jk was a bully" (btw there is no jk irl). I dont care for the term. Most occassions the scene reminds me of the Salem Witch Trials. Dont get me wrong, bullys DO existand some have made national news. Its just that most times it is unwarranted. Like this occassion. And because bullying is such a stigma, a child being accused of it will at least temporarily have to deal wifh the scarlet B.

As for adults jumping on the bandwagon again, the Salem witch trial syndrom. Adults should know better, but they like to soap box stand instead of doing the hard work of finding out what happened and then teach their kids what is bullying and what is not.

An adult staring a kid down is dispicable. I had that happen when ds was 3, 4 and 5. He would hit out of frustration. I always interviened and corrected him. At one situation my then 4 yr old slapped a 6 yr old almost 2 his size. She ran to her parents. I immediately took my son away from the party and home as punishment, but not before we apologised. As we were leaving, the parents were just glaring at my four yr old like they were going to beat the shit out of him. Are you kidding me. Kids are kids, not adults. Remember the difference.

I say keep doing what youre doing with dd and the school. The other kids will see who she really is eventually. If the parents continue to act like can either ignore them or put them in their place.


Mophead (the weird one who marches to the beat of her own drum)

[This message edited by sullymeishadomi at 5:28 AM, November 16th (Saturday)]

Gottagetthrough posted 11/17/2013 17:47 PM

The thing that really bothers me is that I was the one always sticking up for her and concerned about her. I helped her with her coat, gave her lifts home, even helped get a bee away from her when she was afraid. Now she pulls this.

I think L is jealous of your DD. Your DD has YOU as a mother. L missed the first two days of school bc she didn't know when it started?!? I don't know if there is abuse or neglect at her home, but something is off.

I think that L will pull something like what she is doing with your DD to another kid and all will be back to normal fairly soon. Or atleast someone else will be odd man out and your DD will enjoy riding the bus again.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 5:50 PM, November 17th (Sunday)]

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