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Newest Member: DJC1978 (60705)

User Topic: confused and scared
♀ 41345
Member # 41345
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I one week ago discovered that my husband of 16 years was at a exotic massage parlor. He called saying he was staying late at work, and when he strolled in an hour and a half past his usual time- I noticed immediately his wedding band was off. I have suspected him having an affair because out of the blue hes been doing the typical self improvement things most people do when they are having an affair, he has also been more distant towards me and very edgy with our kids. I really thought it was a co-worker until now, and who knows at this point, he may be doing that to. My best friend has been following him for me. The night this happened I also discovered physical evidence on his clothing. And again this tues night, he was there again. I had n event w my children and he knew I was an hour away- plenty of time for him to got home and showered before we got home.

He does not know that I know about his infidelity because I need to get myself in a better position financially. We have 3 children and I am a stay at home mom. So we depend on him 100% for financial support. This is my biggest fear! If you have any advice I would greatly appreciate it! I want to confront him so bad, but I know if he left there is no way I can financially support my children. Any advice on how to confront him about this and what should I do before I confront him is greatly appreciated. It is burning me up inside-I cant even be in the same room as him w out shaking.

[This message edited by Alpine72 at 9:46 AM, November 14th (Thursday)]

Posts: 9 | Registered: Nov 2013
♂ 40996
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stay strong and start trying to gather more evidence. Search the phone records, internet history, and any email/social sites of his that you have access to.

My WW got pretty crafty with excuses and made it seem like I was going insane. Just keep at it until you have enough to say for sure. There is no advice from me on your current financial situation and I'm sorry for that. I know there are people here that can give you encouragement. (((Alpine72)))

Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Posts: 534 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
♀ 30992
Member # 30992
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alpine72, I'm very sorry that you find yourself here. There is a wealth of information in the Healing Library, located in the little yellow box in the upper left corner of the home page. Additionally, you should consult with a divorce lawyer to find out what your rights are and what child and spousal support you would receive if you divorced. That doesn't mean you will divorce, it is just very empowering and reassuring to know where you stand. Hugs to you ((Alpine72))

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: East Coast
♀ 41345
Member # 41345
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have searched phone records and found nothing- I can see his travels thru GPS so that's how I knew where he was- my friend went and confirmed it was his car and watched him leave- unfortunately she did was not able to get any pics, this was at 8:30at night... his computer is a pc so it stays at wk- he is never on the computer at home. So I have no chance of checking to see the history. If I have a GPS picture of him being there 2x that I know of- plus physical evidence on his clothing, is that enough evidence??

I do have an appointment w an attorney today to see what advice she gives me. Im just so sick that he would do such a thing and ruin his family.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Nov 2013
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alpine72, frankly, you don't need evidence. You will not have to produce evidence at any court of law. The fact that you KNOW is quite enough. Even in states where Adultery is considered during a divorce, the burden of proof can be so high, that unless you had actual photos of him being "serviced," your proof would probably not be enough to meet their requirements.

You know he's cheating. You friend also knows. He knows as well. That's all the reason you need to seek legal advice.

See what the lawyer says, and then plan your confrontation, if you plan to confront, well. There are some very good articles on this forum that have bulls-eyes on them. I will try to bump some relevant ones for you to read. (((hugs)))

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 9763 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
♀ 15942
Member # 15942
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hang on and post here for support. I am sorry that you have to be here but is a very comforting place when we are confused and scared.

WS 45
BS 43

Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.

d-day 4-3-07

Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.

Posts: 4052 | Registered: Aug 2007
♂ 4504
Member # 4504
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skan has a point. Many states, California for example, are "no fault" when it comes to divorce. The courts in those states don't try to find fault, they just force an settlement meant to protect the children.

You do need to find out what kind of laws apply where you live. In the meantime, keep your cards to your chest, gather what evidence you can without going overboard and get some help.

Infidelity leads to extreme emotional trauma - of a type that few people can understand who haven't been through it. We understand - keep reading and posting here. You should think about finding someone to talk too - a therapist who can give you a safe place to work things out.

Once you have some idea of where you stand legally, you will need to confront him. The key is to show him how strong you are - even if you feel utterly alone and dependent. Read the 180 Rules (they are in the FAQ section somewhere). They provide some great tips on how to hold yourself and how to behave during this rollercoaster.

Don't try to plan your future - this is all too fresh for you to know if you want to reconcile - even if he swears he loves you and that he will be good forever. You will need months or even a few years to get past this, to find out if you can love him again.... marriages can be saved, but it aint easy.

You will get through this, it will get better. Don't rush to divorce or to reconcile. Your goal should be to buy some time - six months during which you may not love each other much, but you won't hurt each other or make things worse.

Good luck to you.

You do need to confront him - do it as calmly as you can. Control your anger - you have every right to erupt, but it won't help you or your children to do so.

It's just so sad
But I'm moving on feeling better

Posts: 2540 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Cupertino, CA
♀ 41345
Member # 41345
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you all have such wonderful advice! You have no idea how relieving it is to be able to share this w people who understand. I did speak to my attorney and I feel that I'm in good hands if we do D. She said because hes paying for this- it is considered mis-appropriation of marital funds. He would have to pay child support and alimony for 1/2 the time we are married plus an additional alimony because I'm in nursing school. And yes- the state I live in is a no fault state so the evidence is more for me than anything else.

I cant even look at him at this point so R is not even in my vocab right now. After showing him the concrete proof I had- he did say he went there and didn't only have a massage. He says lots of men do it and its not that bad. BUT the story is different if I were to do something like this though... I am so sad his selfish behavior has crushed our family. I will never be able to trust him! I will second guess everything he does and says. I just need to decide -Do I really want to live the rest of my life like this??? Im not so sure.
He was going to leave and get a hotel last night but I didn't want the kids to suspect anything. So he stayed home and slept on the couch.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Nov 2013
♀ 41345
Member # 41345
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wanted to add that I confronted him yesterday and he denied it all day, this AM he said the he went 2x but only got a hand job once- the first time he copped out, which is a lie because there was evidence on his clothing.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Nov 2013
♀ 41193
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Yes, these are difficult times! I found out about my WH cheating with his employee a month ago and am still physically and emotionally distraught.

I agree with others that there is no hurry to make a decision. This forum will help you stay strong.

Good luck - whatever YOUR decision.

Me: 60, WH 67
Married: 23 years
DS 21, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
Divorced Jan. 2016

Posts: 961 | Registered: Nov 2013
♂ 4504
Member # 4504
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Most WS's lie and deny (as they say, d'nial ain't just a river).

That said, don't rush anything right now. Take a few months (6 months) to heal before any decisions. I'm not justifying his scummy behavior - but some marriages do heal - but it takes a long time before love or even friendship returns - a long time and lots of effort.

That said, a marriage is a terrible thing to waste - which is my way of saying that divorce sucks. It really does.

Good luck - remember, you will get through this, you will.

It's just so sad
But I'm moving on feeling better

Posts: 2540 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Cupertino, CA
♀ 41345
Member # 41345
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We both have talked and talked about what has led us to this place we are today. I told him I have the most lonely relationship! He makes so many promises and doesn't follow thru. He really is a bachelor w/ the convenience of having his family there when he wants it. Although, since confronting him, he has done a complete 180. He is actually interacting w our kids, actually helping out around the house. But- deep down, Im just waiting for the old him to pop back up. I have made a promise to myself and him, that as long as we can be cordial to each other, I will not make him leave and do that to my kids right here at the holidays. I do not want to make any decisions out of anger. I have a ton to process and figure out.

Thank you all so much for giving me advice and helping me thru this. You have NO idea just how much it means that you take time the to help a total stranger. Forever grateful!!!

Posts: 9 | Registered: Nov 2013
♂ 40268
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

first of all I am sorry you are here , but if you live in a no fault state then his infidelity means nothing in your case. yes gathering evidence will help you in confirming what you already know, but as far as divorce it will not. I think the only way to start healing and to make a clear decision is to create distance and no contact. start socking away money , get a credit card, get into survival mode . he will lie and rug sweep and manipulate ! you will be made out as jealous and controlling and insecure , be prepared . you have to worry about yourself and the kids now , he has proven he is a liar. It is hard I know but be strong and smart. I hope I am wrong , all the best.

"respect? you don't deserve it, you won't get any from me unless you earn it"

Posts: 1028 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Topic Posts: 13

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