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poetic29 posted 11/14/2013 09:05 AM

So I filed for divorce a week ago. WH won't stop his affair so I was left with no choice. He "thinks" he's taken it underground, but I'm not a fool and I'm able to access more than he thinks I can. He lies, lies, lies. It's just disheartening. You want someone you love to just WAKE UP and see what they are losing, but he can't. He can't see anything past the OW and all the "amazing advice" she gives him.

I don't really know what to say, but I'm just down and wanted to post. He's cheated before, he won't stop this affair, he's a liar and a manipulator, and I know I'm doing the right thing…it just sucks to face the reality of it all. I'm trying to back off, work on myself, get my own life, but it's hard. I do okay when I'm not around him, but last night when he came to get the kids for dinner we "got into it" for about an hour. I know sharing my feelings is pointless and he doesn't care right now so I don't know why I do it.

He just wants to go on and on about how everything has to be on "my terms" and I'm controlling this and I'm controlling that…blah blah blah. He was pissed b/c I wouldn't let him keep the kids at the house this weekend, nor would I change my schedule to watch them Friday night while he worked. Soooo I got sucked into the argument…I want to punch myself this morning! I know he's full of it, but sometimes it just doesn't make you feel any better knowing that. Anyways, thanks for letting me vent:) Today just isn't one of my "strong" days.

[This message edited by poetic29 at 4:45 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]

lifestoshort posted 11/14/2013 09:15 AM

I had nearly the exact same situation. my ex kept on with affair and I could see him lying. I could read what he was saying to his girl in great detail. I could read what he said to his parents. I wanted to puke.

I kept hinting stuff to him tho so he would be shocked as heck. I didnt let him see kids much either.

keep moving forward. No person who loves you would do this. they would not lie. they would never get in a fog or make you hurt. you and your kids deserve better. and he WILL do it again, even if you take him back. its a statistic, not just my own situation

sparkysable posted 11/14/2013 09:35 AM

Don't get into it with him. He feeds off of it. It brings him joy. Don't engage.

Don't let him bully you. Let your response to him be the sounds of crickets chirping. Silence.

He is like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum when he doesn't get his way. Just leave him on the department floor store, kicking and screaming, and walk away as if he's not your child.

StillLivin posted 11/14/2013 11:11 AM

Being controlling and blameshifting, saying you are the controlling one and everything "always has to be your way" is typical behavior in the Cheater's Handbook 101.
Ditto with my STBXH. I just don't give a rat's tail end anymore and that is the part that really shocked him. I used to give into EVERYTHING he wanted. Now, pfffft. FTG.
He's a horse's ass. So is yours. Vent to everybody you need to, but don't give him even an ounce of emotion. He is feeding off of his control over you and you don't want that or the drama will never end.
You aren't weak. It just takes a while to take your heart and love and concern for them back. You will get there!

SBB posted 11/14/2013 13:09 PM

That's the rub - just because they are making the decision so 'easy' for us (no other choice, really) doesn't mean its not a hard and tortuous decision.

I remember when I was DONE. I felt relief - I felt free and strong. I also felt incredibly sad.

In time you will see his complete lack of remorse as a gift. Not now, I know but in time you will. It freed me well before I had the courage and the strength to do it myself.

Doesn't mean it wasn't agonising.

NC is key. Please read up on it in the Healing Library. It is the only way to remove yourself out of the crazy. Whilst you stay plugged into him the dips on this damned roller coaster will get lower and lower. You need to stop talking to him. You need to start evicting him from your mind, your heart and your soul. You cannot do this whilst still leaving the door open for his fuckery.

Keep reading. Keep posting. You'll see so many of us have been where you are right now. Navigating this shit becomes so much easier once you've started detaching. He has detached from you - perhaps years ago, certainly well before his affairs.

Time to start getting to a place where he can't reach you either.

((poetic29))

Vulcanized posted 11/14/2013 15:20 PM

You want someone you love to just WAKE UP and see what they are losing, but he can't.

That makes it so hard. You know, and you hope, pray, wheedle, cajole them to realize. But they just ... don't. Or don't care enough to man up. It sucks, b/c it pushes you into a corner, and you are forced to do something you don't want to do, but have no choice but do (file, push it thru). (((Poetic)))

He just wants to go on and on about how everything has to be on "my terms" and I'm controlling this and I'm controlling that…blah blah blah.

S.O.P. My XH said the same exact crap once he realized he didn't have all the control he did pre-A. FTG.

poetic29 posted 11/14/2013 17:05 PM

Thank you all so much for your replies! They mean so much to me and I've been reading them over and over all day. There are so many things you guys said that were "aha" moments for me. It's so nice to hear from others who understand me and how I feel. I don't have anyone in my life going through something like this. Don't get me wrong, I have a great support system, but none of them have gone through this so they just don't "get it."

Y'all are right to say he enjoys my reactions to him. I'm sure in some way he's doing it to make sure I'm sticking around and still care. He even sent a text today saying he thought I was "inappropriate" yesterday in our conversation, but this was a highly stressful time so he understood. shithead. Of course while I'm taking my son to his reading night at school tonight, he is going to a concert with another girl…not even MOW. shithead. Y'all are right. This guy doesn't love me or care.

I'm going to focus on NC right now and detaching. We don't speak too much anyways, but it tends to come in waves so I need to put a stop to that. Thanks for listening! I feel a little stronger tonight than I did this morning:)