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LostSamurai posted 11/14/2013 09:45 AM

I am new here and have been reading and recently submitted a question to Marriage Bed Radio about the situation...

Let me begin from the beginning...

My WW and I have been married almost 7 years. It has always been a rough marriage but with Love, Care and Forgiveness throughout...

I struggled with Porn in the beginning even before we were married. I joined groups and went to counseling to get a control of this on my life. I am approaching 4 years of sobriety. We have lived with my parents to save money, for a couple years and then we lived with her parents for a few months because they were going through a hardship as her father is a Pastor who was caught in an Emotional Affair, and had a breakdown.

They were forced to leave the church and needed a place to stay. We bought a house in 2009 and they lived with us. My FIL, MIL and BIL all lived with us for over 3 years. My wife and I had been suffering communication problems and I was still going to my groups for support. Too my surprise, a relative of mine who was the piano player from the old church joined the group for those who struggle with sexual addiction. He was coming for some time but then he stopped and he abandon our church, my FIL during his time of coping and healing. Then one day he showed up to our bible study.

The next wife confessed she had an affair with him. She is pregnant during this and she said all they did was talk and kiss. She seemed generally sorry and repentant... He was like a mentor to him.

But... it got worst. We didn't go to counseling and her attitude towards me didn't change. It was like we rushed back into healing. I listen to my FIL (our pastor), and didn't expose this affair to anyone not even my own family and our mutual friends. Try to work on communication and everything and then our daughter is born and the In-Laws are still there.

Attitudes seem to change to regret about having the In-Laws there. My wife works at gym where she cleans and I work in IT for government. Wife wants to look into getting a loan for her parents so they can move out... well she can't get the loan herself so I take one out in my name and get them a loan to get their own place. She switches off their phone plan to our own phone plan. Things seem to start improving and then they started to progress. I have a long commute, get up at 4am, leave the house at 4:30am and catch the train that leaves at 4:58 am just to get to work at 7am. I don't get back into our city until 6pm if the train doesn't break down. Then she makes dinner, and either leaves for work early or helps me put our daughter to bed at 8pm. She would basically throw our daughter at me and run out the house early to go to work.

In my sobriety Journal I would write I believe she is having an affair. She read it and didn't say much about but she was upset about my statement but I still stuck by it. We recently got smart phones and Iphones you can set it to show texts on the home screen or not. Well she was hiding those and had a lock screen. I didn't as part of my accountabiltiy. She started to go see a counselor, which I supported her with, but she never ask me to go.

Then it happens...

October 26, we got to my martial art banquet... to celebrate the kids doing good in school and martial arts. Well she leaves to go talk on the phone to her mother. She texts me and says she doesn't feel good and I am thinking, something is up and I bet I know what it is. She gets a couple of friends to pick her up and take her and my daughter home. Once the banquet is over, I rush home and there is my Grandmother-In-Law there. She takes my daughter outside and my wife confesses, that she had an affair with my relative again, and it was SEXUAL and for at least 2 YEARS...

Edit: ***She only confessed because the night before she tried to contact him and my relatives wife picked up the phone***

I lost it... I tried to leave and go after him but no one would let me leave. I tried to talk to her and couldn't control my tongue. I made a comment that was so un-characteristic of me. I actually got one of my swords and wanted to go after him but I put it away. During my rage I said "What would you do if I killed you..." I couldn't beleive I said it and I couldn't take it back. I was so devestated, so hurt and I lost control. I have always dealt with anger and tried to control it but this was too much for me to handle...

I apologized for the comment a week later but I fill villafied. No one has really reached out to me to talk, and her parents talked to my parents and talked about our ups and down and said I need anger management and everything. I never hit anyone out of anger before and let alone made a statment like that. My daughter and wife are now staying with her parents and everyone is devestated, my parents, her parents and the church. My relative was confronted by my father and my father is not a Christian. He let him have it, because the first time this happen I forgave him but now it has gone on this long and it got sexual I am totally devestated.

I already trying to work on myself and seeing my own counselor and then starting veterans day we are going to go see a marriage counselor together. I am also signing up for anger management.

I am waiting for a copy of Surviving the Affair to come in the mail...I really don't know what to do. I feel like I want the marriage to work but feel just destroyed, beatdown and hopeless even though I am trying to turn to God...Tomorrow is my birthday and I will be celebrating alone now.

Alpine72 posted 11/14/2013 09:56 AM

I found out about my WS 5 days after my b-day. Sorry for everything you've been through. I do not have much advice as I am new here myself-but I am sure lots of people can respond and give you advice to help! Good luck!!

purplejacket4 posted 11/14/2013 10:01 AM

Brother, I'm sorry you are here but glad you found this site. While you wait for your book please do some reading of the healing library here in the top left hand corner. You also need to make sure you eat some, drink water, avoid alcohol and porn, exercise and see your daughter. You need to get into counseling for yourself and go see a lawyer to see where you stand with the marital assets and your daughter. It is too early to even begin to think if you want to reconcile with this woman. I'll bump some threads for you in Just Found Out.

Hugs to you.

Nailinmyforehead posted 11/14/2013 10:20 AM

Brother, welcome to the best club no one wants to be a part of. Right now, focus on you and getting you healthier. Check out the healing library in the yellow box. Read all you can and post often. Hang in there! We have all been through this and survived. You are in my thoughts.

ascian posted 11/14/2013 10:57 AM

Ok, take a breath, you're going to be alright. I can't say what your life will look like on the other end of this, but you're going to be alright.

HurtButHopeful? posted 11/14/2013 13:17 PM

I'm so sorry you too are here, but I'm glad you found us.

First off, I'm glad for you that you have faced the Porn, and have that issue worked out. You are doing the right thing regarding being transparent, letting her have access to your devices, etc.

From this point all, your WW has to also be as open and transparent as you are. That should be a minimum requirement. She also needs IC. Many of us here would not recommend you have MC until your WW gets IC, has some "come to Jesus" moments (which are real and not feigned) and she is accepting her part in this latest bomb to your M.

One thing really stuck out while reading your post: you really are a family guy. You are close with, and look after both your and her parents. What seems to have happened though, is that they are involved in your M, and are interfering.

Of course your WW's parents would "side" with her, and call you angry. That is why I didn't tell my H's parents aobu this A, and why I asked him not to either. When one is dealing with the pain of infidelity, the last thing you need is to have people blaming you for your pain...regardless of how you express it.

Your reaction upon discovering the nature of your W's cheating was normal, IMHO. You had extreme feelings, which you verbalized, and wanted to act upon. The key, however, is that you didn't act on those feelings. You even later apologized. Many people want to hurt someone upon discovery of infidelity in the M, and it is usually themselves that they want to hurt. Your WW's own father was a cheater, and now his daughter is also a cheater. He will protect her, and her codependent mother will too.

Even if your family hadn't stopped you going after OM, that doesn't mean you would have actually injured him. I've read stories here of men going after the OM, intending to do harm, and not going through with it. There is someone here who did BTCOF (beat the crap out of) the OM and even had a weapon, but didn't use it. Your anger was not unusual, under the circumstances, based on what I have read. For your own sake, you need to stay away from OM, and all people who are not friends of the marriage, or who would continue to be friends with him.

I'm glad you are going to IC. Have you had a problem with anger in the past, or are they using this one episode to condemn you? I'm not an expert, but IMHO if this is your only outburst, I wouldn't think you have an anger issue. IC will help you sort out if you even want to be in a M with someone who would lie to you and cheat over the course of years. The fact that she, the cheater, ran to her parent's house after discovery of her cheating, doesn't seem right to me either. She should be by your side right now, doing everything she can to help you begin to heal from her egregious behavior.

Keep reading the Healing Library, it will help you make sense of the feelings you are having, the way other people are acting, and above all, keep posting here.

HurtButHopeful? posted 11/14/2013 13:38 PM

One thing I missed, is that you need to 180 your WW. If her family begin to pressure you to have contact with her, then 180 them as well. Ask your parents to stop talking with her parents, and stop the back and forth. If they don't, then 180 them.

Remember, your WW's cheating had nothing to do with you. Don't let her or your families try to saddle you with her poor choices. You know this already, b/c of your experience with porn, and how you overcome it: taking responsibility for your own "stuff." She needs to do that herself.

Make sure you have contact with your child: don't let her keep your daughter from you. If you decide you can't stay in a M with her, you don't want her to have any grounds for having more than her minimum legal share of custody of your daughter. You need to stay very active in your daughter's life, having her sleep at your house at least 50% of the time, while your WW is at her parent's.

LostSamurai posted 11/14/2013 18:40 PM

I am not sure what you mean I need to 180??? I received my book and I am reading all these things but it's a little hard. I am seeing my daughter, even though she brings her over with her and we are there together.

I am feeling better now actually. I was 244 and now I am 213.

I am taking medicine and will begin anger management classes soon. I have struggled with internalizing anger and haven't been very expressive besides facial expressions. I look at an opportunity to better myself.

[This message edited by LostSamurai at 6:48 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]

HurtButHopeful? posted 11/14/2013 18:47 PM

180 means that you need to stop reacting to her, her family, etc. and you start focusing on what you need in order to heal, move on, etc.

Here is a link about it:

Some people have a natural 180 response, others have to fake it for a while. It helps you not get engaged and manipulated by the WS, and a side product is that it puts their stuff squarely on their own back.

LostSamurai posted 11/15/2013 21:55 PM

I am grateful for all the support but I think I might of messed things up. The affair is over as far as I know and today on my birthday we spent some time together. As I was taking her back to her parents house I said Can I have a kiss for my birthday. She seem to be shocked and asked that you would want a kiss from me, and I said it would make it a great birthday. Well... I got a kiss and then some. We end up having sex...

For some reason I think I messed things up by having sex with her. What is your opinion on this?

HurtButHopeful? posted 11/16/2013 12:29 PM

Well, a kiss, and sex aren't exactly on the 180 list. Breaking 180 sends mixed messages to your WS. Don't beat yourself up, you love her, she loves you (even though she has a strange way to show it by being unfaithful.) At least you felt better on your B-day, and it with with who it should be: your W! : )

The next time you are with her, remind yourself that she lied to you, had a sexual affair with a distant relative, and think of what you are trying to accomplish with the 180: for you to feel better in the long run, and for you to not be on her adultery yo-yo.

Are the parents still getting in your business and gossiping about you with each other and with your WW? Is your WW starting IC?

If you go back to business as usual, from what I've read from other people's experiences here on SI, yo

HurtButHopeful? posted 11/16/2013 12:29 PM

Well, a kiss, and sex aren't exactly on the 180 list. Breaking 180 sends mixed messages to your WS. Don't beat yourself up, you love her, she loves you (even though she has a strange way to show it by being unfaithful.) At least you felt better on your B-day, and it with with who it should be: your W! : )

The next time you are with her, remind yourself that she lied to you, had a sexual affair with a distant relative, and think of what you are trying to accomplish with the 180: for you to feel better in the long run, and for you to not be on her adultery yo-yo.

Are the parents still getting in your business and gossiping about you with each other and with your WW? Is your WW starting IC?

If you go back to business as usual (rug sweep), from what I've read from other people's experiences here on SI, you are setting yourself up for being on the receiving end of her cheating. Keep strong.

[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 12:30 PM, November 16th (Saturday)]

happyman64 posted 11/16/2013 21:56 PM

Lost Samurai

Are you sure your Daughter is yours?


Newme123 posted 11/19/2013 05:53 AM

Lost samurai, I know you are in shock, pain and disbelief . You need to read up in the healing library. It talks about the 180, HB , etc. the 1st day my wh came back home after dday as I had kicked him out(I bet the crap out of him on dday as well), we made love twice. It was the most passionate and intimate we had ever been with each other and we had been married 9-1/2 yrs! We conceived our 4th child that night. HB is the best part of all this mess! But before you resume sex, you MUST. Get yourself and your ww STD testing. Please make sure she is clean. Also, I don't know how old your child is, but I would recommend a paternity test. I'm so sorry you have found yourself in this place as we all have.

kannan posted 11/19/2013 08:12 AM

She cheated on you first time and confessed, what are the consequences she faced for her cheating first time? I think none.

Then she cheated on you for another two yrs, she confessed (Only because OMW found out and was going to expose her) what are the consequences she faced? None and you are begging for a kiss.

She cheated on you repeatedly and you are entering into Anger management because you said some thing horrible. What happened to her cheating for two yrs? wasnt it horrible than your words?

Are you sure that they only kissed at first time, I dont beleive it. She TTed and you swallow it without wayter.

I think she never stoped cheating on you, it was a PA from the begging.

Your wife and her family are using you, using you for your money.

Women respect men who respect themselves. Do You know why she was shocked when you asked her for a kiss? she thought the last thing you wanted was a cheater near him. By this alone you showed her how needy and weak you are for standing for your rights and self respect. Atleast stop doing this begging, you are a good man and you deserve better.

Get tested for STDs, and get a paternity test on your child (Please dont say you are sure that the child is yours)

Do the 180, if she is not doing the heavy lifting, not coming clean completely,if not transparent file for D. You desrve a faithful and loving wife.

cliffside posted 11/19/2013 10:20 AM

You are not responsible for her Aaffair. Know that. Nothing you did caused her to cheat. She is broken and she did this to you.

I also don't think your reaction warrants anger management treatment. What were you supposed to say? You had a nuclear bomb dropped on your marriage/life and you reacted to it.

You need to figure out what your line in the sand is and draw it. It doesn't sound like she is remorseful and until she is you won't get anywhere with trying to reconcile.

Also, when I read that they "just kissed" I also thought - yeah, sure they did. Why would anyone get to that point and just kiss? Definitely get tested for STDs, for some reason cheaters don't use protection. It's a truly amazing thing. It must be in the cheating 101 handbook - step 3: do not use protection to ensure that you not only destroy your spouse's sole but expose them to deadly diseases as well.

Stay strong and don't listen to your wife or in-laws. Is the loan only in your name? Did you buy them a place? Whatever ou did for them, I'd their reaction to this is against you I wold shut off any monetary support. What nerve they have!

LostSamurai posted 11/21/2013 10:44 AM

Thanks everyone. I went to IC and he basically said the same thing. I told him how I was reading this book, Surviving Affairs by Harvey Waylard Jr and he doesn't agree with what I told him about the book. The book says the affair is basically my fault because I didn't meet WW needs.

IC say's that is stupid and un-biblical. He said she is Broken and is wanting something that I probably can't achieve/meet.

And the more I think about it, I feel dumb for trying to meet her needs when she purposely put someone else's needs before mine.

You are absolutely right, I am being used and being disrespected still. I am no longer going to beg or anything like that. We did go bowling and stuff and she kissed me on her own.

My IC also, doesn't think I need anger management as well, but thinks it could help but I think I am being manipulated and gaslighted into this as well.

LostSamurai posted 11/22/2013 08:10 AM

My wife asked me would i like to go away with her on our anniversary that is Dec 16th. Our 7th year. Thinking about going to the Poconos.

Do you think this is a good idea?

ReunitePangea posted 11/22/2013 08:59 AM

The book says the affair is basically my fault because I didn't meet WW needs

I recommend you stop reading that book. It is a horrible book that will just set back your recovery from this. Thank goodness you got a decent IC that was able to get you good advise. Your WW did not have an affair because of anything you did. She is 100% at fault for her A. 100% at fault!!! and don't forget that.

I also am not able to tell if based on your current situation if you should 180 right now or not. You say the A is over. If it is over and your wife is remorseful and trying to work things out for you I do not recommend the 180. You are very early and need to get a better understanding of your situation you are dealing with. If you 180 her right now you may not learn more what happened. I recommend you keep yourself in information gathering mode right now and watch her actions and listen to what she says.

Yes, I would recommend going on the trip with her. Especially with all the crazy family interference, this might be a good time for you two to just talk without all the family distractions.

Now, be watchful and if you think the A is going on, your wife is not remorseful, not working on fixing things and not putting in the effort you need - that is when you 180. Don't 180 when you are still getting the story and she is talking to you still.

cliffside posted 11/22/2013 09:01 AM

HELL NO! She's trying to rugs weep. Tell her, "I was thinking you could spend our anniversary with an IC figuring out why you did this!"

Seriously, don't go away with her. Look at how she has treated you. It's been said here before: she's shown you who she really is - believe it!

Come up with your demands for reconciling. Mine were:
1) total transparency - access to all email account, passwords to everything, GPS on cell phone
2) She goes into IC
3) you both go to MC
4) no more nights out with friends
5) a timeline of everything
6) she sits down with you one night and answers every single question you have honestly. Every. Single. One.

Stay strong and do not let her and her family gaslight and rug sweep this. She cheated on you for two years. She lied to you every single day for two years. Think about that.

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