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I'm so scared!

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Healing2012 posted 11/14/2013 09:51 AM

So the good news is that I got the townhouse (rental) for me and DS! It's in my budget, in a good neighborhood, and super cute.! I'm completely downsizing, but I'm looking at this as a good thing since our current home is so full of clutter and junk (most of it is WHs). I don't like clutter. It makes me twitchy.

But I'm scared. Totally and completely scared.

WH and I have been separated for about 18 months, so I've been on my own for a while. I don't have an issue with being alone or sleeping alone. I'm just so scared because this house is the last thing connected to my old life. I'm scared to say goodbye to it because even though there were some shitty memories associated with it (obviously A related), there are tons of wonderful memories.

I feel like no matter how bad things were on some days, I could go back to the comfort of home. I'm not going to have that. I know I will eventually make this place home, but sometimes I feel like I'm just spinning out there in the universe with nothing to hold onto...nothing to ground me. I feel like I've lost everything that ever gave me comfort - my marriage (back in the good days), seeing my DS every single day, and now my home.

I don't know how else to explain it other than to say I feel like I'm floating above the ground completely untethered.

Am I making any sense?

nowiknow23 posted 11/14/2013 10:39 AM

You are making complete sense, Healing. I understand and I was there a little over a year ago.

My advice is to process the move as you would any other loss. Grieve what you are leaving behind, lean into those memories as they come up and process it all. It is scary to take that step and make the move, but I promise you, it will become your home. It will become an anchor for your new life.


StillLivin posted 11/14/2013 10:43 AM

Wow, that's exactly how I felt over the weekend. I sold DSSs truck. He didn't want to pay for it anymore, and I couldn't afford to pay for it without our incomes combined.
I was relieved to not worry about that bill and the insurance on it, but it was hard to let go. I almost cried when I drove away from the new truck owner's home.
It was the last of us (well selling the home after I get my degree) that was tangible. It really really sucked. We had so much fun that day surprising him with his birthday truck.
So many good memories of trips all three of us took in that truck.
Grieve, then move on. It's all we can do.

defyinggravity posted 11/14/2013 11:35 AM

I know exactly how you feel. I kept my house. At the time I felt I just had to hang on to something. No one could convince me otherwise. 2 years later and I would love to get rid of it. What I thought was my calm haven has become nothing more than a huge burden. I know you don't feel 'lucky', now. But I think you are and I bet when the dust settles, you will too.

Healing2012 posted 11/14/2013 11:42 AM

You all are why SI is the best

Lean into the grief. Yes...this is exactly what I plan to do. It's funny, but "lean into it" is the exact advice my nurse gave me while in labor. I was so scared to push and she told me to do the opposite of what I wanted to do (which was fight it). Lean into the pain - it would be over that much sooner.

Also, during my angry moments, I like to think of all that I won't miss about this house - the stupid tree in the middle of my backyard that I have to mow around, the super drafty windows, how long it takes me to clean that place, and the clutter.

Thank you all so much for your advice and support!

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