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The past few weeks have been so rocky. I am working on me. He is working in him. He is well aware that I don't think he can change. It has come out that he hasn't been fully invested or committed to this marriage since the beginning. He was always out looking (and I know he has cheated before in some aspect, even if this was the first time it was intercourse). He says he has to change and he will. I am getting my life in order and he knows that as soon as I see a back slide (anything inappropriate in any way) he will just be served papers. I am not going to make excuses for his behavior anymore and refuse to be in this situation again.

We have had some good days. But then he needs constant validation "you didn't even notice that I didn't ogle that lady at the restaurant!" Fact was that I did notice that for the first time ever he was looking at me when I looked at him. I had gotten so used to him falling down other women's shirts or drooling over their ass. But no, I didn't say anything. I told him I shouldn't have to praise my husband for showing me the respect I deserve. I have never so much as looked at another man, but I don't expect him to praise me for it every time we go out.

He has his first IC session today. We have couples tomorrow. Therapist has hinted he's narcissistic personality disorder. Wouldn't shock me at all.

We have been intimate a few times, when I can block out the mental movies. I truly wanted to connect with him last night and initiated. But had to stop once we started. He was actually great and we watched a funny movie and he fell asleep. I spent the rest of the night in a puddle of tears in the guest room, feeling the same way I did three weeks ago when I found those emails. I thought I was past that, but the intense pain was back.

I guess this is just a bit if an update. I haven't posted much, but come here every day. I go to the positive stories to give myself hope. But I give him a 5% chance of changing his narcissistic personality. If I was diagnosed with an illness and told I had a 5% chance of survival, I would be making final arrangements. I feel my marriage has a 5% chance at survival.

I hear you, and I'd like to respond.

I think it's good that you can put a number on the probability of your M's survival, but I caution that the number doesn't mean much. The fact is that your M is a specific M, and probabilities say very little about specific outcomes.

What counts, I think, is what you want. If you want R, then one key goal for the process is to be able to work for R while keeping yourself protected against further trauma, and you seem to be setting yourself up to do exactly that. That bodes well for you, and I think that's great! If your H steps up, R proceeds; if he doesn't, more pain is in store for you, but you sound prepared to weather that storm.

Being betrayed dumps immense pain on us BSes; we can't change that. We can, however, manage our recovery process more or less effectively. It sounds like you'll be on the 'more effective' side.

That's a small comfort, in many ways - but any help is wholly welcome.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:35 AM, November 14th (Thursday)]

Thank you Sisoon. I am trying to be smart about everything but honest. I want reconciliation an d desperately want to believe him and in him. But I have been doing that for the past 13 years. I'm obviously hesitant.