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Am I over-reacting?

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lucy17 posted 11/14/2013 10:31 AM

One of the many consequences of my life shattering is that I don't trust myself. Am I crazy?
Talking with WH last night about the average of 50 texts a day to AP. My perspective is that each "contact" was like a friendly squeeze, a reach out to her and then receiving a friendly squeeze back. All the texts were a big deal. He keeps trying to tell me that the texts were not a big deal--that's why he didn't tell me about them and that when I say 50 texts or 45 broken NC it sounds like 50 conversations a day and it wasn't. Some of the texts were just "What are you doing?" I keep explaining to him that it doesn't matter what the content/length of the message was-each contact was an inappropriate reach outside the marriage. He keeps repeating the same thing and saying, "I can understand how YOU would feel that way, but for me, it wasn't that big of a deal." If it wasn't a big deal then why did it happen 50x a day? Why did he get up in the morning and immediately text and then text back and forth throughout the whole day? If it wasn't a big deal, wouldn't there have been time (like a day) between texts because it wouldn't have mattered if he returned a text or not.
This is important to me because I'm scared he doesn't recognize reaching out to another person that much (regardless of the content/length of the message) is a big deal and inappropriate in a marriage. She consumed him for 3 months. He keeps saying she was a small corner of his life, but the evidence says otherwise and he is lying to himself and me about it and that frightens and angers me.
Last night he told me that each time we talk about A it is like I am "physically" slapping him (I am not!) with "You had an affair. You had an affair. You had an affair." And why can't we just focus on now and the future? Because I don't want the past to repeat itself and I am HURTING! I now feel like I can't talk to him about any negative feelings or questions I have. I feel alone. My life is surreal and I'm dizzy and shaking with sadness.

bionicgal posted 11/14/2013 10:55 AM

(((lucy17)))

the evidence says otherwise and he is lying to himself and me about it and that frightens and angers me.

This is important. It is possible that you two can see things differently. It is also possible that he really didn't view it as a big deal at the time. However, would he like you texting some guy 50 times a day just to reach out, and then denying that it should bother him?

My H was surprised at how some of the finer details of the affair bothered me as much or more than the "biggies." But, they represented something to me. It does sound like your husband is only looking at things from his point of view. That is not going to serve you all well in R.

Waywards have a lot to deal with because their coping mechanisms are obviously wonky anyway, and then they do this horrific thing, and then they have to help clean up the mess -- which some are less well equipped to handle than others. After all, they were already "escaping" their lives, and now they have to step up! It is not for the faint of heart.

Are you in MC? It sounds like your H is defensive (understandable) but he has to figure out how to get through it and man up.

I am sorry you are hurting - I think we all know how you feel. Peace to you.

bionicgal posted 11/14/2013 10:57 AM

(((lucy17)))

the evidence says otherwise and he is lying to himself and me about it and that frightens and angers me.

This is important. It is possible that you two can see things differently. It is also possible that he really didn't view it as a big deal at the time. However, would he like you texting some guy 50 times a day just to reach out, and then denying that it should bother him?

My H was surprised at how some of the finer details of the affair bothered me as much or more than the "biggies." But, they represented something to me. It does sound like your husband is only looking at things from his point of view. That is not going to serve you all well in R.

Waywards have a lot to deal with because their coping mechanisms are obviously wonky anyway, and then they do this horrific thing, and then they have to help clean up the mess -- which some are less well equipped to handle than others. After all, they were already "escaping" their lives, and now they have to step up! It is not for the faint of heart.

Are you in MC? It sounds like your H is defensive (understandable) but he has to figure out how to get through it and man up.

I am sorry you are hurting - I think we all know how you feel. Peace to you.

littlelacrimosa posted 11/14/2013 10:58 AM

Since I'm a FWW I'm not sure if I'm allowed to post on this thread or not.

I just wanted you to know that you are definitely not overreacting. The first time we attempted R, I was still in contact with APs. I don't know your husband so I can't tell you what he is thinking. But for me it was a stage of denial. I didn't want to accept what happened and I just wanted to get past it and move on. I thought it would be better for me to talk to XAPs and act as though nothing had happened. Because if I ended my friendship with those people, it would be admitting that I made a mistake and accepting the consequences for it.

Don't let him tell you that it's how YOU feel. It's how ANYONE would feel in your situation. And believe it or not, chances are if you were doing that, he would be upset about it too.

A few months into recovery my BH started speaking to an ex again. He would text her when he woke up for work and while he was at work. He gets up at 5, way before I see the light of day, so I tried to chalk it up to him just talking to whoever was awake. But it always did bother me and it got to the point that I had to talk to him about it and tell him it was hurting me.

Regardless of whether you're the BS or the WS.. Feelings are feelings and for me it comes down to respecting each others' feelings.
If it's something that is hurting you, it should bother him.

What we assume people think of us is a reflection of what we subconsciously think of ourselves. So your husband thinking you're 'slapping him' when you bring up the affair is just an extension of the guilt that HE is feeling what what HE did to YOU.

I hope I didn't offend you by posting on this. Just know that you're not alone and you're also not wrong.

[This message edited by littlelacrimosa at 11:01 AM, November 14th (Thursday)]

myeverafter posted 11/14/2013 12:57 PM

You aren't wrong!!! Or crazy!

He needs to reassure you and actually know and believe that that isn't a correct action/thing to do.

I confronted WH about the texting/calling the OW so much in the fall of 2012. But he denied it. Then they went underground and went to emails... Little did I know the EA had been going on for over a year then.

I confronted him again in July about being to emotionally involved. (I had no idea about the physical stuff.) I had sent him this - http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michele-weinerdavis/the-truth-about-emotional_b_1958709.html

I need to ask him now what the **** he was thinking. It was just more lies and rug sweeping. He finally admitted it was wrong because "I (BS) didn't like it."

I think "now" he knows it was wrong. But I got a lot of "we are all just friends", "we weren't talking about anything important", etc.

But I understand about the not believing yourself. If you WH was like mine, there was a lot of "there is nothing going on." So anytime you start to feel like something was going on, you doubt yourself.

tushnurse posted 11/14/2013 13:14 PM

(((Lucy))))
This one hits real close to home for me, and makes me angry for you.

The texting was the way I finally got my proof and allowed me to have my first Dday. I knew he was up to no good, and I can say that it was a relief to finally have my proof.

Your H is minimizing. Next time he says it's not a big deal, ask him how come he wasn't texting you each time he texted her. If had been putting that much extra time into your relationship, he may have gotten and equally good repsonse from you. My H was texting all day every day for months, and he would not answer my calls, emails, voicemails, anything. But he sure could wrack up the texts with OW. The above is what I told him when he acted like it wasn't a big deal. If he had put that extra energy into us, think how great I would have felt, and reciprocated. That was a lightbulb moment for him. IT didn't clear the fog away, but it started the wind blowing I think.

Your H is being defensive, and selfish as well, and until you call him out on his BS, oh poor me I'm a victim, nonesense he will use it as a way to manipulate you into not talking about the A. You will quit talking about it, when you feel safe, loved, and know he is commited to you, and you alone. The sooner he does that the sooner you will stop.

It is so hard, but you have to really start standing up for you. Not in a defensive way, and not in an aggressive way, but in a way that he sees you are strong, and unwilling to tolerate less. Each time you do it it gets easier too.

((((and strength)))

painfulpast posted 11/14/2013 16:52 PM

Your WH does not get to decide what is a big deal to you.

Scubachick posted 11/14/2013 17:50 PM

Lucy17,

I can relate to everything in your post! One month he texted her 1,435 times and me a whopping 157. We had this same conversation last night. He says they were mostly all business. I said well isn't it amazing that your business is still operating without those 1,435 text messages every month. Then he points out how much he texts a male employee and I said don't even go there....that male employee is listed in your contacts with his real name. She was under a false name. And that male employee was not kept a secret from me. She was! You weren't meeting that male employee secretly at 3am and oh yeah, that male employee doesn't have a vagina. He is so dumb to even try to play that card.

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