So, I've been working my 180, and slowly checking things off the list I made of things I need to do. I am feeling strong most of the time, but there is this little parasite of doubt that keeps nibbling little painful bites out of my very tentative confidence.
Our anniversary was last Saturday. I told him that I was not going to celebrate it since there was nothing to celebrate. He did get me some gifts, but said that they were in recognition of my years of commitment, and he wanted to let me know he appreciated them. That was nice. He told me he was working on being the man that I deserve, and didn't shut down when I responded by telling him that I am thinking he needs to be that guy first, before I decide to stay with him. I felt like we had a good day supporting our kids, and just being normal-ish.
The rug got pulled out from under me though when I checked Facebook. He had put some long Happy Anniversary status up along with a picture of the two of us that I hate. That is annoying, because he's trying so hard to pretend that everything is fine. I just wished he had said nothing. I feel manipulated by this insistence of his to minimize and even fake that things are even better than fine.
But the worst part is that my mother, who knows everything at this point, responded with, "Each moment that we choose to love our spouse and the willingness to make sacrifices of ourselves to make our marriages strong, is so worth it! The good times far outweigh the not so good -- sometimes we forget that." ?!?!?!?! Since when was my mother in my marriage? Why do I feel this is a personal attack on me?
THEN, I get the mail, and she has sent us an Anniversary card, after I told her that I did not want to celebrate it and to please not send anything. The card basically said that she really hoped we would consider MC and Retrouvaille before we get divorced, and that she and my dad have stayed together because they do not consider divorce an option. I felt so invalidated and betrayed. I had told her that I was not making a decision about the marriage for at least 6 months. Where did this come from?
So then she called my house 4 times, my cell twice, and then texted twice while I was out running on Tuesday, the last one asking, "Are you just busy or are you angry with me?" I just wanted to have a drama-free day.
The short answer, the one I gave her, and the only thing she cares about, is that I am not angry. She doesn't care about my feelings, she only cares about how my feelings affect her. As soon as I said I wasn't angry, she responded like everything was hunky-dory. It was so just like my WH that I got sick.
The long answer is that I am incredibly HURT. I am treading water, dealing with trying to stay strong as my WH turns on the charm but hasn't changed his behavior much. Dealing with the insecurity of my children who know things aren't great between their parents, and trying to establish a life in a place I may not be living in past this summer. I thought my mom understood that and was supporting me, but I guess I was wrong.
And on top of that, our dog is not doing well. When it rains it pours, and I feel like some kind of monster for not being willing to back down and pretend like things are normal.
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.
He is a master manipulator, and it's all about appearances for him. This is going to be very hard for you if you allow yourself to be influenced by what everyone else tells you to do, because on the outside this clown looks like SuperSpouse. The truth is he is abusive, and makes you feel like crap more than not.
You deserve so much more. I would tell your Mom to respectfully mind her own business or stand behind you 100%. As a parent all we want is for our kids to be happy, and successful, I guess she sees Divorce as a failure, rather than seeing you as a STRONG, BRAVE, CAPABLE, AWESOME, person for putting an end to his nonesense.
Wanting to make things work is one thing, but tolerating this level of disrespect over and over and over ad nauseum is not showing your kids what a healthy normal marriage is, and they deserve a mom that is happy and healthy, and unless he has some major changes happening soon it's not going to be with their dad.
Please do not allow him to snow you again as he has done so many times. Actions are what you need, not words.
Am I the only BS who feels this pull to take responsibility? I feel sometimes like I might actually be wrong (surely this isn't real?!) and that I am overreacting and hurting everyone by insisting on fidelity and honesty.
Ugh. But I know that is the fear talking. And impatience. This whole process is going so s-l-o-w. I am torn between wishing my WH would wake up and start showing me what I need to see and wishing he would just leave.
I am so glad to have someone to share this with, even though I wish so much that none of us had to suffer this. All these years of being alone with it and maintaining the illusion have taken a toll.
I don't think it will ever end until I make it stop mattering to me. Why on earth do I keep giving this man the chance to do the right thing?
I want to burn all of his things in a backyard bonfire.
Statistically you will be in the same position some day, and your kid will think you are saying all the wrong things. It's a generation gap thing. She's just trying to help.
Try to find someone your age to talk to.I called an ex of my ex B-I-L and we went out for coffee. I met a whole gang of gals who literally saved my life and 9 years later they are still my best friends.
Only you have lived it and only you can make the final decision. You need her to be supportive of YOU, not necessarily the M right now. If she can't do that then you would appreciate it if she would back off. Putting a happy face on everything isn't going to fix this.
You can no longer tolerate the level of disrespect from him. You no longer wish to work on a M, that he keeps trashing. He has to do the work now. If he can't then you know you have to walk and she needs to accept that you did more than your share to try and save the M.
[This message edited by momentintime at 3:25 PM, November 15th (Friday)]
"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl
She can't possibly know everything, can she? If not, maybe she needs to be filled in.
Everything is not falling apart, it looks like you are getting some clarity here. Your Mom needs to deal with her own baggage or whatever. She's being incredibly insensitive - people that have not gone through this betrayal, don't get it. My sister was the same way - thought I should try to find out if my husband had had other affairs, because two would be the deal breaker. What the hell??
For me, I had to go to where the well was full - go to people I knew I could count on for support. Post on here often, we all have been where you are and understand you.
With my spouse, I had to look at his actions. You are an amazing, strong, loving, kind and wonderful person who deserves the same in a partner. Trust yourself, trust what your intuition is telling you. Trust that you have an inner strength that will carry you through. You already have everything you need to get through this.
Take care of yourself and your kids. Eliminate the drama and the people that do not support you. Your focus in on you and what you want your life to be.
My mom does have most of the details. I have realized that my relationship with my mother is characterized by the same minimizing of my emotions that I allowed with my WH. I am looking forward to discussing it in IC, so I can sort out what I need to do about it. Until then, I am keeping some distance. I don't have energy to deal with her emotions on top on my own.
chipped - I only looked this week because I was weakening. I have done really well with not looking and honestly not really caring. But when I feel like maybe he's getting better, I look for his online activity. It is probably not a healthy thing, and I should stop for good.
doggiediva - sex is so far off the table it isn't even in the house!
Thank you all for your support. I feel much better, I DO know what I need to do, and I just need to stick to it. I just feel really badly for my kids and wish I could keep them from the pain and uncertainty this causes them.