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For everyone who calls OP 'It' - a question

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MrsDoubtfire posted 11/14/2013 12:28 PM

It's funny because I actually heard FWH call OW 'It' before I saw anyone post that term on here.

I see it all the time now- that the OP is denigrated to a thing and not a person.

When I asked FWH (all those years ago) why he called OW It he said "Because It is not a human being who deserves to be treated as such. It is just a thing, a leech that does not warrant respect or to be thought of as a human!"

I initially though that, for him to reduce the OW to a 'thing' and not a living, breathing human being was a cop out- easier for him to cope with.

Yet- I call OW It to him too as that is now her moniker and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Why do you call OP 'It' ?

I am curious.

WhatsRight posted 11/14/2013 12:34 PM

I tend to go the opposite route.

I don't want to depersonalize the situation. The infidelity was very personal. The other person was real - flesh and blood.

I believe that to minimize or depersonalize something tends to take the "punch" out of it. If I say "I am a bit heavy" or "big boned", I am probably going to stay that way.

But if I say "I look like a fat pig" - maybe I will be more likely to do something about it.

If I call the other person "IT" I think it would be to discount her, and therefore make the situation less real and ugly.

Also, by saying "IT", it almost makes it sound less bad that the infidelity was only with an "it".

Just the way I personally look at it.

ETA: It also might make a difference in how I view this because my husband's "other woman" was a ONS, not an ongoing relationship.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 12:37 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]

PositiveAttitude posted 11/14/2013 12:34 PM

Not the same, but along the same lines - I call OW "her" because she really could have been ANY one, she just happened to be the one that chased my WH.

To call her an "it" for me would single her out as not human - thereby possible unique. I want her to be human and ordinary, another nameless faceless homewrecker who doesn't deserve my thoughts or attention.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 11/14/2013 12:36 PM

I call OW it because I will not share anything in common with it. Including the fact that we both are female. I personally don't even like OW or OP. Because it is not a woman. It is not a person. Anyone who would try and start an affair with a married man who had a month old newborn and 2 other children is not worthy of being called a woman. It has cheated on all it's boyfriends including a fiancé. It is just a horrible excuse for a human being. If it wants to fuck up its own life then go right ahead. It had no right to fuck up mine and my children's.

ETA: The term it was my choice.

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 12:41 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]

notquiteoverit posted 11/14/2013 12:39 PM

My WH has been calling her "It". I think it is a way for him to detach himself emotionally. I don't like the term "It" for OW. For me, she needs to have a name, and the one that I chose when WH and I discussed her is "Trashbag". The term "it" is a common word that is used for a a lot of things and I don't want to be triggered every time I hear it.

Eudaimonia posted 11/14/2013 12:46 PM

Philosophers have been trying to define "human" and "person" from...the beginning. Some sort of sense of morality or a basic ethical core is typically required as a quality of "personhood."

Most of the OWs in WH case do not have that quality. Therefore, they are dubbed, "it." Besides, to him they were not persons. They were holes and/or pixels on a computer screen. There may or may not have been some that did have some (very) base, although skewed view of morality. I suppose those can be elevated to the status of "him" or "her."

mchercheur posted 11/14/2013 12:57 PM

I call OW "the Slut", because it could have been any low life slut who did what she did at that time. I refuse to give her the respect of calling her by her name. "The Slut" makes it clear that it could have been any slut, & also makes it clear what her purpose (& WH's purpose) was.

Justmiserable posted 11/14/2013 13:05 PM

I guess I got lucky that the OW in my case has one of those names that's easy to change around. I added the work turd in the middle and it just rolls off the tongue.

That's how I refer to her and have been since the beginning. My husband now uses this term as well, and I think he is more comfortable using it than to call her by her given name anyway. I don't care why it makes me feel good but maybe there's nothing to pick apart here. It does really roll right off the tongue.

BeyondBreaking posted 11/14/2013 13:28 PM

Sometimes I refer to OW as "it" to make it less personal. A lot of the times, I feel like is was a me vs her situation, like she was special or important. The truth was that she was a nobody, and a nothing. The truth is, she was nothing more than a glory hole, and the first one that happened to be available. She wasn't special, important, or the one. She was just the first and easiest available at the time. Calling her "it" sometimes reminds me that the affair had nothing to do with me OR her. If it wasn't her, IT would have been someone else.

MrsDoubtfire posted 11/14/2013 13:35 PM

Thanks for your replies guys.

I'm okay with calling her It as it's now her nick-name but in the beginning I hated that FWH removed the humanisation of her as I thhought it was a huge copout.

Almost a minimising of who she was and what she represented.... which was someone who (important or otherwise or a glory hole or just any old woman) was able to hurt me and my family for so long!

And then THAT is why I like to call her It

heforgotme posted 11/14/2013 13:42 PM

Why do you call OP 'It' ?

Even a personal pronoun is too personal.

atsenaotie posted 11/14/2013 13:47 PM

"It" is singular, so I use "them"

TennisTC posted 11/14/2013 14:16 PM

OW and I have the same name. It's a fairly common name, and the only difference is that she spells it with an extra "e." So -----ney when almost everyone else in the entire world just spells it -----ny. Now I hate my own name because of her, and so needless to say I refuse to call the OW by name. It, whore, slut, and her when I'm feeling generous all mean the same person to my H and I.

Josephine01 posted 11/14/2013 14:27 PM

I've never called the OW an it. She is many things, but she is human. My H and OW entered into this relationship fully knowing they would hurt me. They both cheated and manipulated. If were to call her an "IT," then in all fairness that would be WH's title as well.

To me they are both cheaters, Wh**** and many other things, but non-human is not one of those things. I could forgive easier if they were.

Issaquah posted 11/14/2013 14:51 PM

I never called any of the OW's it. I feel like if I had done that it would minimize the reality. Now, at first I did refer to OW6 as "that skanky whore ____" but now I just use her name. It stings and we have very similar sounding names - like Stacy and Tracy.

Here's a weird t/j - The OW has a name that could be either male or female, like Robin, Pat, Jerry. It recently dawned on me that when my dad was dying back in the early 80's he owned a contractor business and while he was dying he/ the business was totally ripped off by his number one carpenter/employee and his wife (they stole equipment and money) ...guess what? They both had the same name (different spellings) of OW6. Man, what an omen!

ShockedErica11 posted 11/14/2013 16:08 PM

I've tried to use the word "it" when describing the OW (to myself, at least), but it just doesn't stick. I've used other colorful words, but a lot of times when I am talking to WH about OW, I use her full given name (sans the middle name). Why? I feel like saying her name takes the power out of the emotional punch. To me, calling her an "it" just means that I'm too cowardly to say her name. To say her name constantly is to desensitize myself to it. To get rid of the lingering anger and feelings that I have. If someone says it in public, I don't have to get the instant recoil in knowing what my WH did.

That, and as I'm learning about my mother, my mother is a repeat OW and while I hate hearing about what she's done and just how unremorseful she is, she's still my mother, and if I heard someone refer to my mother as an "it", I'd punch them in the mouth, no matter how wrong my mother was in the situation. I'm not giving the OW in my situation the same respect that I give my mother by any means though.

Kelany posted 11/14/2013 16:37 PM

Frankly, I feel if one is going to use "it" for the OP they should use the term for their spouse too. I see the OP and spouse as being equally culpable, ergo...if you want to demonize one, demonize both.

I don't call my husband "it" therefore I don't call his AP's "it".

crazyblindsided posted 11/14/2013 16:41 PM

I say MOW's real name as it brings home the reality of the situation every time it needs to be discussed. My WH hates to even hear her name now. Maybe a case of negative reinforcement?

Dreamland posted 11/14/2013 16:53 PM

I call the OW by her name. I want him to remember her and what she and he did. I don't want to depersonalize the affair. He cringes everytime

silverhopes posted 11/14/2013 16:56 PM

I don't call my H's OWs "it" simply because H isn't remorseful. He has good real memories of these women. Dr. Glass herself says: "One of the signs that they are working in a much more united way is that their perception of the affair partner becomes more integrated—not all evil or all angel, but a human being who perhaps did manipulate and exploit but also was caring and offered something special." ("Shattered Vows", linked in the Healing Library's Article section). For me, it makes more sense to accept the reality rather than try to invalidate whatever they had. What happened really happened. Who cares what kinds of chemicals fueled the interactions? Healthy or unhealthy (and imo, unhealthy), it still really happened and he still had a hell of a time. He still thinks fondly of the women. Why not accept that as his reality? Why not accept the women as real women? Of course, that I have resumed detaching from him might be helping with this as well. If anything is being invalidated, to me, it's OUR relationship. And yes, that's sad. But there is meaning in life beyond the mourning of our relationship. It doesn't have to be my everything. It certainly wasn't his.

ETA: With regard to the OM, H and I call him a very unflattering nickname that my H came up with. I don't call him "it" but I do call him "sick". And his nickname is a play on a particular word that our mental health community considers to be highly insulting. However, I'd prefer to never think of that sick, unhealthy asshole ever again, and I'm sure H would prefer I think of H. So I try to focus on my own actions.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 5:13 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]

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