Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying



Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library


Contact Us
In Association with
Infidelity -
- Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
Newest Member: ConfidentJayne (61852)

User Topic: For everyone who calls OP 'It' - a question
♀ 24786
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's funny because I actually heard FWH call OW 'It' before I saw anyone post that term on here.

I see it all the time now- that the OP is denigrated to a thing and not a person.

When I asked FWH (all those years ago) why he called OW It he said "Because It is not a human being who deserves to be treated as such. It is just a thing, a leech that does not warrant respect or to be thought of as a human!"

I initially though that, for him to reduce the OW to a 'thing' and not a living, breathing human being was a cop out- easier for him to cope with.

Yet- I call OW It to him too as that is now her moniker and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Why do you call OP 'It' ?

I am curious.

BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now become†

Posts: 1622 | Registered: Jul 2009
♀ 35417
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tend to go the opposite route.

I don't want to depersonalize the situation. The infidelity was very personal. The other person was real - flesh and blood.

I believe that to minimize or depersonalize something tends to take the "punch" out of it. If I say "I am a bit heavy" or "big boned", I am probably going to stay that way.

But if I say "I look like a fat pig" - maybe I will be more likely to do something about it.

If I call the other person "IT" I think it would be to discount her, and therefore make the situation less real and ugly.

Also, by saying "IT", it almost makes it sound less bad that the infidelity was only with an "it".

Just the way I personally look at it.

ETA: It also might make a difference in how I view this because my husband's "other woman" was a ONS, not an ongoing relationship.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 12:37 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

Posts: 4618 | Registered: Apr 2012
♀ 40624
Member # 40624
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not the same, but along the same lines - I call OW "her" because she really could have been ANY one, she just happened to be the one that chased my WH.

To call her an "it" for me would single her out as not human - thereby possible unique. I want her to be human and ordinary, another nameless faceless homewrecker who doesn't deserve my thoughts or attention.

BW - 44 - SAHM
WH - 45 - 3 year LTA
Blended family - 2 school aged "ours" children left at home.
DDay (which one?) all in 2013
Reconciling - as best we can

Posts: 205 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Southwest US (Tucson)
♀ 34602
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I call OW it because I will not share anything in common with it. Including the fact that we both are female. I personally don't even like OW or OP. Because it is not a woman. It is not a person. Anyone who would try and start an affair with a married man who had a month old newborn and 2 other children is not worthy of being called a woman. It has cheated on all it's boyfriends including a fiancé. It is just a horrible excuse for a human being. If it wants to fuck up its own life then go right ahead. It had no right to fuck up mine and my children's.

ETA: The term it was my choice.

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 12:41 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]

Me: 35
WH: 36 TimeToManUp
Married: 14 years, together 19 years
3 daughters: 12, 8, 5, and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)

D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011

This is the most difficult thing I've ever done.

Posts: 1840 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
♀ 32919
Member # 32919
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH has been calling her "It". I think it is a way for him to detach himself emotionally. I don't like the term "It" for OW. For me, she needs to have a name, and the one that I chose when WH and I discussed her is "Trashbag". The term "it" is a common word that is used for a a lot of things and I don't want to be triggered every time I hear it.

Me - BS 50
Him - WS 49
SOW - 52 destitute loser
D-day 1/28/11

Posts: 645 | Registered: Jul 2011
♀ 32445
Member # 32445
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Philosophers have been trying to define "human" and "person" from...the beginning. Some sort of sense of morality or a basic ethical core is typically required as a quality of "personhood."

Most of the OWs in WH case do not have that quality. Therefore, they are dubbed, "it." Besides, to him they were not persons. They were holes and/or pixels on a computer screen. There may or may not have been some that did have some (very) base, although skewed view of morality. I suppose those can be elevated to the status of "him" or "her."

So long, and thanks for all the fish!

Posts: 472 | Registered: Jun 2011
♀ 37735
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I call OW "the Slut", because it could have been any low life slut who did what she did at that time. I refuse to give her the respect of calling her by her name. "The Slut" makes it clear that it could have been any slut, & also makes it clear what her purpose (& WH's purpose) was.

Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 10 mo. EA/ PA with COW; Dday 5/2011
Married 28 years/Together 29 years/4 kids together
OW 20 years younger than us/divorced no kids
Trying to R; don't know what the final outcome will be

Posts: 2500 | Registered: Dec 2012
♀ 39388
Member # 39388
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I got lucky that the OW in my case has one of those names that's easy to change around. I added the work turd in the middle and it just rolls off the tongue.

That's how I refer to her and have been since the beginning. My husband now uses this term as well, and I think he is more comfortable using it than to call her by her given name anyway. I don't care why it makes me feel good but maybe there's nothing to pick apart here. It does really roll right off the tongue.

me-BS,FWS madhatter (36)
him-BS, FWS (39)
2 children 17 and 13
Married 13 years
Ow-(36)Stranger that he met on POF
D-day 10/03/2012
status: in recovery, NC with OW since shortly after DDay

Posts: 38 | Registered: May 2013
♀ 38020
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I refer to OW as "it" to make it less personal. A lot of the times, I feel like is was a me vs her situation, like she was special or important. The truth was that she was a nobody, and a nothing. The truth is, she was nothing more than a glory hole, and the first one that happened to be available. She wasn't special, important, or the one. She was just the first and easiest available at the time. Calling her "it" sometimes reminds me that the affair had nothing to do with me OR her. If it wasn't her, IT would have been someone else.

I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."

Posts: 879 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ 24786
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your replies guys.

I'm okay with calling her It as it's now her nick-name but in the beginning I hated that FWH removed the humanisation of her as I thhought it was a huge copout.

Almost a minimising of who she was and what she represented.... which was someone who (important or otherwise or a glory hole or just any old woman) was able to hurt me and my family for so long!

And then THAT is why I like to call her It

BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now become†

Posts: 1622 | Registered: Jul 2009
♀ 38391
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do you call OP 'It' ?

Even a personal pronoun is too personal.

D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1162 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
♂ 27650
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"It" is singular, so I use "them"

dday 10.5.09

Posts: 4173 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
♀ 41330
Member # 41330
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW and I have the same name. It's a fairly common name, and the only difference is that she spells it with an extra "e." So -----ney when almost everyone else in the entire world just spells it -----ny. Now I hate my own name because of her, and so needless to say I refuse to call the OW by name. It, whore, slut, and her when I'm feeling generous all mean the same person to my H and I.

Me: BW Him: WH (Both early 30's)
Married 11 years with a DD 7

Posts: 219 | Registered: Nov 2013
♀ 38511
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've never called the OW an it. She is many things, but she is human. My H and OW entered into this relationship fully knowing they would hurt me. They both cheated and manipulated. If were to call her an "IT," then in all fairness that would be WH's title as well.

To me they are both cheaters, Wh**** and many other things, but non-human is not one of those things. I could forgive easier if they were.

Me, 47 BS
H, 65 WH
2 boys 23 and 18 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 523 | Registered: Feb 2013
♀ 34484
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never called any of the OW's it. I feel like if I had done that it would minimize the reality. Now, at first I did refer to OW6 as "that skanky whore ____" but now I just use her name. It stings and we have very similar sounding names - like Stacy and Tracy.

Here's a weird t/j - The OW has a name that could be either male or female, like Robin, Pat, Jerry. It recently dawned on me that when my dad was dying back in the early 80's he owned a contractor business and while he was dying he/ the business was totally ripped off by his number one carpenter/employee and his wife (they stole equipment and money) ...guess what? They both had the same name (different spellings) of OW6. Man, what an omen!

BS - Me, 45
ExWS - Husband, 47 SA dx in March 2013
T-25, M-21 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays / OWs since 1999
Most recent DDay 8-12
Divorcing separated Sept 2016

Posts: 861 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
♀ 37550
Member # 37550
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've tried to use the word "it" when describing the OW (to myself, at least), but it just doesn't stick. I've used other colorful words, but a lot of times when I am talking to WH about OW, I use her full given name (sans the middle name). Why? I feel like saying her name takes the power out of the emotional punch. To me, calling her an "it" just means that I'm too cowardly to say her name. To say her name constantly is to desensitize myself to it. To get rid of the lingering anger and feelings that I have. If someone says it in public, I don't have to get the instant recoil in knowing what my WH did.

That, and as I'm learning about my mother, my mother is a repeat OW and while I hate hearing about what she's done and just how unremorseful she is, she's still my mother, and if I heard someone refer to my mother as an "it", I'd punch them in the mouth, no matter how wrong my mother was in the situation. I'm not giving the OW in my situation the same respect that I give my mother by any means though.

One too many D-days; taking it one day at a time.
(Full story: see profile)

Posts: 237 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Atlanta, GA
♀ 34755
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Frankly, I feel if one is going to use "it" for the OP they should use the term for their spouse too. I see the OP and spouse as being equally culpable, ergo...if you want to demonize one, demonize both.

I don't call my husband "it" therefore I don't call his AP's "it".

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
♀ 35215
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say MOW's real name as it brings home the reality of the situation every time it needs to be discussed. My WH hates to even hear her name now. Maybe a case of negative reinforcement?

BS/FWS (me):44 Madhatter
WS/BS:47 Serial Cheater
Together 20 years, Married 16
DD(14) DS(11)
DDay(s) Too many to count
False R 7/11/14 Same OW2
"Never seek validation from those who are unworthy."

Posts: 4132 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
♀ 40488
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I call the OW by her name. I want him to remember her and what she and he did. I don't want to depersonalize the affair. He cringes everytime

Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ 32753
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't call my H's OWs "it" simply because H isn't remorseful. He has good real memories of these women. Dr. Glass herself says: "One of the signs that they are working in a much more united way is that their perception of the affair partner becomes more integrated—not all evil or all angel, but a human being who perhaps did manipulate and exploit but also was caring and offered something special." ("Shattered Vows", linked in the Healing Library's Article section). For me, it makes more sense to accept the reality rather than try to invalidate whatever they had. What happened really happened. Who cares what kinds of chemicals fueled the interactions? Healthy or unhealthy (and imo, unhealthy), it still really happened and he still had a hell of a time. He still thinks fondly of the women. Why not accept that as his reality? Why not accept the women as real women? Of course, that I have resumed detaching from him might be helping with this as well. If anything is being invalidated, to me, it's OUR relationship. And yes, that's sad. But there is meaning in life beyond the mourning of our relationship. It doesn't have to be my everything. It certainly wasn't his.

ETA: With regard to the OM, H and I call him a very unflattering nickname that my H came up with. I don't call him "it" but I do call him "sick". And his nickname is a play on a particular word that our mental health community considers to be highly insulting. However, I'd prefer to never think of that sick, unhealthy asshole ever again, and I'm sure H would prefer I think of H. So I try to focus on my own actions.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 5:13 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]

Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 4242 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Topic Posts: 37
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
© 2002 - 2017 All Rights Reserved.