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Am I using my gut instinct correctly?

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Shocked2believe posted 11/14/2013 12:46 PM

I'm feeling very angry and need some perspective.....

Just before our wedding anniversary last month WS told me he was off to go do overtime work one evening which I believed! I later found a receipt for a very expensive restaurant for a dinner near where the OP lives. I questioned WS and was told that it was four work collegues who went to dinner and the reason I wasn't told was because 'just look at my reaction!' I might add in my anger I didn't think much further about it but asked why there was an hour and a half difference between time of payment of bill and sending me a message to my phone to say that he was leaving to come home - from work I obviously thoughy! The reply was: "I don't know".

Just so we have some history: whenever I challenged him with evidence of the EA (twice) he never got angry or stormed out, which I had expected, but we managed to talk and communicate. Only this time, whenever I try ask about the night out he gets angry, refuses to answer any of my questions (at the beginning of all of this he told me he may not tell me everything but if I asked a specific question, he would not lie to me - which I do believe). Now all I can think is that he's hiding something behind his anger trying not to make me ask direct questions, deflecting it onto me so he doesn't have to tell me the truth and he's hiding something? My gut is right, isnt it?????

WS comments more than welcome.....

Typed on phone so please excuse mistakes.

donotlietome posted 11/14/2013 13:06 PM

Call the restaurant with some story that you need to know more about the bill. Maybe say he gets reimbursed for taking clients and he can't remember if that was client dinner or personal one. 4 steaks your good. 2 steaks he's dead meat!!!

simplydevastated posted 11/14/2013 13:10 PM

It does sound like he's hiding something. Why else would he get so angry about that one topic and not the others? How is he otherwise? Do you have complete access to everything or is he clinging to his phone/computer/tablet for dear life?

Also, to say "just look at your reaction" is a complete cop-out. That's about as good as telling someone that they lied to you because you get angry. Whatever. He said that he wouldn't tell you everything, but he wouldn't lie if you asked him a direct question, well, now it's time for him to own up to that. He needs to tell you everything whether you ask it or not or there will always be secrets and I'm not sure how well R will go.

(((HUGS)))

headdesk posted 11/14/2013 15:11 PM

The whole deal reeks. Trust your gut and dig, dig, dig.

EvenKeel posted 11/14/2013 15:17 PM

why there was an hour and a half difference between time of payment of bill and sending me a message to my phone to say that he was leaving to come home

They could of just hung out and talked longer; but you think he would of just said that.

It is not unusual for me and my friends to pay a dinner tab and then start talking (and talking and talking) and end up staying at the restaurant way after the bill was rang up.

That could be feasible - but I am a big supporter of trust your gut. I spent years wanting so badly to believe what my X was telling me. My mistake.

Undefinabl3 posted 11/14/2013 15:25 PM

I questioned WS and was told that it was four work collegues who went to dinner and the reason I wasn't told was because 'just look at my reaction!'

Uggg...classic WS stupidity right here.

First, I understand his point because the coincidences between his meeting place and where OP lives would have created tention - reguardless of why he was there.

So he decided to tell a half truth (he was working) in hopes that you wouldnt question his adultness and failed when you found out - so he blames you.

I agree on the calling of the resturant and playing dumb trying to find a reciept. Most places wont even question it.

I also wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him - even if he really was just at a dinner meeting with the boys. If he can't tell you the simple truth about a dinner meeting, then how in the hell can he be expected to tell the harder truths?

((S2B))

seenow posted 11/14/2013 15:27 PM

He hid something from you, yes? Why? Because of you? I don't think so. Your gut knows something is off. His actions show something is off.

I would go with the dig, dig, dig option.

Bikingguy posted 11/14/2013 15:47 PM

Even if he entire story is correct, He didn't tell you because you might no understand. WTF. Same thought process went into the A. And that thinking should end. If WW said she was going to work and I found out she was at dinner I would be pissed.

Mousse242 posted 11/14/2013 17:56 PM

If he's telling you the truth why didn't he tell you before hand? Why did he lie about it from the beginning?

It doesn't look good. :-(

tushnurse posted 11/14/2013 18:25 PM

The gut is never wrong. He lied you know that much and that is not ok

Shocked2believe posted 11/14/2013 19:14 PM

I didn't make it clear but the OW was part of the four who went to dinner.

Went be able to find out about meal as they supposedly all paid thier own way. According to WH with what little I did get told was that he paid for his own meal and a round of drinks. ....

hardtimesinlife posted 11/14/2013 19:50 PM

I'm sorry, Shocked, but I think there is much more. I agree his anger is to deflect and to stop you from asking a direct question. I don't know how you can get the truth but, sadly, I don't think you have all of it yet.

thenon-goddess posted 11/14/2013 20:51 PM

Trust. Your. Gut. Why would he be paying for an expensive work dinner anyway? If it happened after a Lon evening of overtime, aren't those things usually paid by the company? I think his story is BS. Keep digging.

Undefinabl3 posted 11/15/2013 08:28 AM

I didn't make it clear but the OW was part of the four who went to dinner.

This statement right here means that work releated or not - this meeting should have NEVER happened, period end of story.

4 steaks or 2 - doesnt matter, he lied about seeing OW and then blamed you for it....bullshit.

Your meter is flying off the handle because they still talk, they still see each other and that is WRONG. Even if there is no sex or flirt, he's lying and they are still in contact.

I am so sorry but he's not remorseful at all and his gaslighting and blameshifting are confusing you.

marionwendy posted 11/15/2013 09:00 AM

Those who have nothing to hide HIDE NOTHING!!!!!!

EvenKeel posted 11/15/2013 09:04 AM

I didn't make it clear but the OW was part of the four who went to dinner.

Holy smokes - WHAT??????

That is huge! No wonder your poor gut is sending up flares.

NoMorDeceit posted 11/16/2013 19:56 PM

Yes. You are right. He is lying.

I mean really lying. WTF... dinner with the OW??

He is getting angry because he knows he got caught continuing the affair.

That would be another D-Day around here.

gonnabe2016 posted 11/16/2013 20:24 PM

Unless you are ready to issue the ultimatum of "it's her or me," then you have 2 options:

(1) continue to drive yourself insane *worrying* about it; OR
(2) accept that you are married to a man that is going to do whatever the hell he wants to do, and just *go with it.*

His latest stunt has just upped the ante on you. He is figuratively *giving you the finger*.

People that choose to focus on the *reaction* instead of the *action* that caused it -- make me feel extremely stabby. That response ("just look at your reaction") ALL BY ITSELF tells you that he is still *just fine* with lying to you when it suits him.

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