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Newest Member: sassylee (45766)

User Topic: Am I using my gut instinct correctly?
Shocked2believe
♀ 41010
Member # 41010
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm feeling very angry and need some perspective.....

Just before our wedding anniversary last month WS told me he was off to go do overtime work one evening which I believed! I later found a receipt for a very expensive restaurant for a dinner near where the OP lives. I questioned WS and was told that it was four work collegues who went to dinner and the reason I wasn't told was because 'just look at my reaction!' I might add in my anger I didn't think much further about it but asked why there was an hour and a half difference between time of payment of bill and sending me a message to my phone to say that he was leaving to come home - from work I obviously thoughy! The reply was: "I don't know".

Just so we have some history: whenever I challenged him with evidence of the EA (twice) he never got angry or stormed out, which I had expected, but we managed to talk and communicate. Only this time, whenever I try ask about the night out he gets angry, refuses to answer any of my questions (at the beginning of all of this he told me he may not tell me everything but if I asked a specific question, he would not lie to me - which I do believe). Now all I can think is that he's hiding something behind his anger trying not to make me ask direct questions, deflecting it onto me so he doesn't have to tell me the truth and he's hiding something? My gut is right, isnt it?????

WS comments more than welcome.....

Typed on phone so please excuse mistakes.


Me: BS Married 10 years, together 20
Him:WH - EA with engaged COW.

'If you come into my life, the door is open; If you leave my life, the door is open; Just one request, don't stand in the doorway, you're blocking the traffic'


Posts: 123 | Registered: Oct 2013
donotlietome
♀ 26478
Member # 26478
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Call the restaurant with some story that you need to know more about the bill. Maybe say he gets reimbursed for taking clients and he can't remember if that was client dinner or personal one. 4 steaks your good. 2 steaks he's dead meat!!!

Posts: 202 | Registered: Dec 2009
simplydevastated
♀ 25001
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It does sound like he's hiding something. Why else would he get so angry about that one topic and not the others? How is he otherwise? Do you have complete access to everything or is he clinging to his phone/computer/tablet for dear life?

Also, to say "just look at your reaction" is a complete cop-out. That's about as good as telling someone that they lied to you because you get angry. Whatever. He said that he wouldn't tell you everything, but he wouldn't lie if you asked him a direct question, well, now it's time for him to own up to that. He needs to tell you everything whether you ask it or not or there will always be secrets and I'm not sure how well R will go.

(((HUGS)))


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
headdesk
♀ 40787
Member # 40787
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The whole deal reeks. Trust your gut and dig, dig, dig.


Me: 39
WH: 42
DDay:Sep 19 2013 (only TT of EA)
Oct 4th 2013 revealed PA through snooping.
Marred 16 years, together for 20. Looking to R at this time. We have awesome kids (12/14).

Posts: 273 | Registered: Sep 2013
EvenKeel
♀ 24210
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

why there was an hour and a half difference between time of payment of bill and sending me a message to my phone to say that he was leaving to come home

They could of just hung out and talked longer; but you think he would of just said that.

It is not unusual for me and my friends to pay a dinner tab and then start talking (and talking and talking) and end up staying at the restaurant way after the bill was rang up.

That could be feasible - but I am a big supporter of trust your gut. I spent years wanting so badly to believe what my X was telling me. My mistake.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2249 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Undefinabl3
♀ 36883
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I questioned WS and was told that it was four work collegues who went to dinner and the reason I wasn't told was because 'just look at my reaction!'

Uggg...classic WS stupidity right here.

First, I understand his point because the coincidences between his meeting place and where OP lives would have created tention - reguardless of why he was there.

So he decided to tell a half truth (he was working) in hopes that you wouldnt question his adultness and failed when you found out - so he blames you.

I agree on the calling of the resturant and playing dumb trying to find a reciept. Most places wont even question it.

I also wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him - even if he really was just at a dinner meeting with the boys. If he can't tell you the simple truth about a dinner meeting, then how in the hell can he be expected to tell the harder truths?

((S2B))


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit
Phone Find 11/21/14 - I can't even right now.

Posts: 1821 | Registered: Sep 2012
seenow
♀ 40720
Member # 40720
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He hid something from you, yes? Why? Because of you? I don't think so. Your gut knows something is off. His actions show something is off.

I would go with the dig, dig, dig option.


ME: BS mid 40's
Him: WH mid 40's
DDay 5/13 5 year LTA, ONS
together 25 yrs
1 kiddo

Posts: 302 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: mountain west
Bikingguy
♂ 38103
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even if he entire story is correct, He didn't tell you because you might no understand. WTF. Same thought process went into the A. And that thinking should end. If WW said she was going to work and I found out she was at dinner I would be pissed.


Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 677 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
Mousse242
♀ 6330
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he's telling you the truth why didn't he tell you before hand? Why did he lie about it from the beginning?

It doesn't look good. :-(


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
tushnurse
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The gut is never wrong. He lied you know that much and that is not ok


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8798 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Shocked2believe
♀ 41010
Member # 41010
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't make it clear but the OW was part of the four who went to dinner.

Went be able to find out about meal as they supposedly all paid thier own way. According to WH with what little I did get told was that he paid for his own meal and a round of drinks. ....


Me: BS Married 10 years, together 20
Him:WH - EA with engaged COW.

'If you come into my life, the door is open; If you leave my life, the door is open; Just one request, don't stand in the doorway, you're blocking the traffic'


Posts: 123 | Registered: Oct 2013
hardtimesinlife
♀ 10468
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, Shocked, but I think there is much more. I agree his anger is to deflect and to stop you from asking a direct question. I don't know how you can get the truth but, sadly, I don't think you have all of it yet.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6159 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
thenon-goddess
♀ 31229
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trust. Your. Gut. Why would he be paying for an expensive work dinner anyway? If it happened after a Lon evening of overtime, aren't those things usually paid by the company? I think his story is BS. Keep digging.


Status: divorcing - I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

Posts: 1255 | Registered: Feb 2011
Undefinabl3
♀ 36883
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't make it clear but the OW was part of the four who went to dinner.

This statement right here means that work releated or not - this meeting should have NEVER happened, period end of story.

4 steaks or 2 - doesnt matter, he lied about seeing OW and then blamed you for it....bullshit.

Your meter is flying off the handle because they still talk, they still see each other and that is WRONG. Even if there is no sex or flirt, he's lying and they are still in contact.

I am so sorry but he's not remorseful at all and his gaslighting and blameshifting are confusing you.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit
Phone Find 11/21/14 - I can't even right now.

Posts: 1821 | Registered: Sep 2012
marionwendy
♀ 41303
Member # 41303
Angry  Posted: 9:00 AM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Those who have nothing to hide HIDE NOTHING!!!!!!


BS-49
WS-50
Married-18
Together-21
Children-2

Life is not measured by the breaths we take
but by the moments that take our breath away.


Posts: 222 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: canada
EvenKeel
♀ 24210
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't make it clear but the OW was part of the four who went to dinner.

Holy smokes - WHAT??????

That is huge! No wonder your poor gut is sending up flares.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2249 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
NoMorDeceit
♀ 23547
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. You are right. He is lying.

I mean really lying. WTF... dinner with the OW??

He is getting angry because he knows he got caught continuing the affair.

That would be another D-Day around here.


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 569 | Registered: Apr 2009
gonnabe2016
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unless you are ready to issue the ultimatum of "it's her or me," then you have 2 options:

(1) continue to drive yourself insane *worrying* about it; OR
(2) accept that you are married to a man that is going to do whatever the hell he wants to do, and just *go with it.*

His latest stunt has just upped the ante on you. He is figuratively *giving you the finger*.

People that choose to focus on the *reaction* instead of the *action* that caused it -- make me feel extremely stabby. That response ("just look at your reaction") ALL BY ITSELF tells you that he is still *just fine* with lying to you when it suits him.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8190 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 18

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