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Got a Timeline

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Camalus posted 11/14/2013 14:24 PM

I'm not sure if this should go in General ro Reconciliation. If it needs to be moved, such is life...

Well, I got a timeline. At least I call it a time line. She gave it to me Monday evening, twenty-six hand written pages of fWWís memories of the time leading up to the affair, the affair, and the abrupt end of the affair. The last three pages are about the revulsion, shock, and horror she feels now remembering her lies, actions, and emotions during the affair.

I have to say I admire the work she put in to it. It could not have been easy for her to live through the memories againÖlots of angsts and agony expressed throughout.

Itís not easy for me to read. It hurts to the core and infuriates me at the same time. How could I have been so blind, so trusting, so naive as to miss all the typical signs of an affair. Itís really disturbing because I made my living as an analyst, taking small, seeming disconnected facts and bits of information, forming them into a bigger picture. It is unfortunate I was so successful in separating my work life from home life.

Yes there are some holes, some minor inconstancies, some things are a little vague but overall I donít think she held anything back intentionally. Itís too raw, to visceral, and she admits to things she could have held back if she was going to hide anything.

Some things came as a real shock. Things I would have bet my life my wife would never do were done in the course of the affair. Itís going to take me some time to absorb the information and come to grips with how I now see my wife in the light these revelations.

At some point we will need to sit and discuss the timeline. That time is not now. I need to absorb the information so that I can talk about it without letting my emotions get out of control.

Because of the way the timeline was written, its tone so to speak, I am convinced fWW is truly remorseful. I guess the question comes down to if I can learn to live with the new reality where the blinders are off and my eyes wide open. Do I have enough forgiveness in my soul? I suspect the answer is to learn how to forgive without condoning her affair.

Iíve always been told Ďtime heals all woundsí. I think that is bullshit and just another way to rugsweep. Time simply passes, I can choose to either heal myself or not. Time doesnít heal the wounds, it is what I do with the time that will affect the healing. I will not be a victim. I will not allow the facts of her A to diminish my past efforts to be a good father, husband, provider, and rock of stability. For what remains of my time in this earthly plane I will continue striving to be a good father (and hopefully grandfather someday), husband, and provider as well as being a rock of stability. I will hold my head up high knowing I have done the best I can. However, I will also take time for myself to do things I want to do, see movies I want to see, embrace hobbies I enjoy, fWW is welcome to participate or not, that is up to her. That is OUR new reality.

sisoon posted 11/14/2013 14:56 PM

I'm sorry it was worse than you expected. From what you write, I'm confident you will recover, if that's any consolation, and I'm confident you'll be able to decide if anything is a deal breaker.

The discrepancies may or may not be significant. That's a lot of writing and thinking, and it's likely that different memories popped up at different times. I'm with you - that much writing indicates commitment to R, so I think it's very likely she'll be able to align the discrepancies.

I think you'll decide pretty soon that life without blinders is better than life with them, and I agree with you wholeheartedly that what you do to heal is more important that the amount of time that passes.

Keep this in mind: it took a lot of courage to ask for the TL and to read it. That'll stand you in good stead for sure.

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