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It Hurts So Bad!

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AJMT4Life posted 11/14/2013 15:02 PM

I never knew I could feel such pain, such devastation. I thought we were doing good, I knew things were a little rough but we just moved to the DC area from California and we were both starting new jobs. We have two young daughters...of course things are going to be hectic, but I thought we would get through it, like we always do.

I had to go back to California for a month, I left on September 29 and I knew if we could get through this month we would be back to normal. WW had other plans, she saw an opportunity to start getting serious with a co-worker. I knew something was up because she wouldn't answer my calls, would be short with me, yell at me, ignore my texts, but she was going through a lot of stress caring for the girls and working full time. Then she cut her hair and started to spend a lot of money and further distanced her self and I knew something wasn't right.

On October 28th I checked the cell phone bill and was in shock...over 3000 text messages to the same number and hours and hours of conversation! I called her immediately and confronted her. She said it was work stuff so I asked about the phone calls at 4am and she was speechless. "What do you want me to say?" she asked...seriously! WTF!

So we talked that night and I made the mistake of blaming myself...saying I will change, it's all my fault, I will be different and then I got a plane the next day and flew home (I wasn't supposed to leave for another 3 days).

She's told me multiple times that it wasn't physical, only emotional, but I don't believe it.(I found pictures of her topless on her iPad) I continued to say sorry for how I failed to meet her emotional needs and drive her into this situation. I started doing everything around the house, let her do her work. She was drinking a lot and coming home late, but we were going on a trip we planned months ago back to where we met, so I just hung in there so we could get some alone time.

We had a good time but she drank a lot and on the Saturday before we went home she passed out after saying she needs to talk to me sober. I took the opportunity to look at her phone and emails. She was calling, emailing and texting the OM while we were together! She said she was just going through the motions until after the holidays and then we would be getting a divorce.

I was destroyed. Well, somehow she found out I went through her emails and it pushed her even further away. I don't feel guilty about it one bit. I needed to know what was really going on. What blew my mind was that she told me she asked the OM for space but she was calling, emailing and texting him...what a bunch of BS!

I finally got to the point were I realized this is not my fault and I told her she messed up not only our family but the OM's family too(Married, 2 kids) This was her decision, not mine.

She continues to call and talk to this guy. They text all the time. I found today she was looking for other places to live and new schools for my daughters. It is killing me to think of being away from my girls, but it might go that way. I want to get through the holidays was my oldest doesn't associate christmas with mommy and daddy breaking up, but it's going to be hard.

We are seeing a marriage counselor tonight, but deep down I only think she is going so she can tell herself she tried.

I'm sick of feeling this pain. It does feel good to get what I'm feeling out.

heforgotme posted 11/14/2013 15:12 PM

but deep down I only think she is going so she can tell herself she tried.

Not to get your hopes up, but lots of people start this way and end up realizing what's really important.

I will tell you, to my shame, that I did not get into R for the right reasons. In the first 24 hours, it was bc even tho I didn't know if I wanted him, I would be damned if she was gonna have him. Immediately after that, it was about the kids. It took a little while before it was really about us.

BUt now it is. Totally and completely.

I will have my fingers crossed for you.....

Swims posted 11/14/2013 15:22 PM

AJMT, I know the shock and hurt, every betrayed spouse here feels your pain. If you have a chance before MC, take a look at the Healing Library in the upper left corner of the home page. It has a wealth of information that will help you negotiate this minefield that is now your life. You had NO PART in her decision to cheat. That's hers to own, 100%. What she is doing right now is blame shifting, it's all your fault because of XYZ you did, blah, blah, blah. She has to vilify you because subconsciously she knows what she is doing is wrong... and the only way she can rationalize it is YOU have to be the bad guy. You are not!!! Be strong and don't let her BS affect you. Stay calm, if you can. Drink water, force yourself to eat. You have had the shock of a lifetime, but you will be OK! Hugs...

Swims posted 11/14/2013 15:26 PM

AJMT, I forgot to add, once the OM is outed, he may very well throw your WW under the bus to save his family. Expose the affair to his wife. Once the fantasy is killed, and reality sets in, some affairs don't survive in the light of day. Hugs

painfulpast posted 11/14/2013 15:33 PM

AJMT, I forgot to add, once the OM is outed, he may very well throw your WW under the bus to save his family. Expose the affair to his wife. Once the fantasy is killed, and reality sets in, some affairs don't survive in the light of day. Hugs

Donít listen to your wifeís tales of how this woman will kill him, or take his kids to the other side of the country, or any other bullshit story. WSís always make things up because they donít want their Ďfriendí to be in trouble. They also donít want 2 spouses watching them. One is bad enough.

Kill the fantasy permanently. Tell his wife.

Also, if she had discovered this, wouldnít you hope she would call you? Or would you be happy to learn that everyone knew but you.

You can let his wife have the truth, or you can help your WS and OM keep their secret. Itís your choice.

Swims posted 11/14/2013 15:37 PM

And don't let your WW know that you will be talking to OM's wife. Just do it and don't give WW and OM the opportunity to get their stories straight. Strength to you!

painfulpast posted 11/14/2013 16:08 PM

Yes!! What Swims said!!

MakingLemonade posted 11/14/2013 16:31 PM

What a hurtful place to be. I am so sorry you are here but grateful you found us. This site is a wealth of information and support. Wish I had found it much, much sooner.

Not in a place where I feel I can give advice other than focus on YOU and your daughters and meet with a L ASAP, just in case.

You are not alone!

AJMT4Life posted 11/14/2013 21:52 PM

Thank you all for the advice and support! I did read through the healing library and I think it really prepared me for going to MC. The hour we spent with the MC was intense but I think a lot of good things were said...the most important thing being that my WW must stop the relationship with the OM. I told her that from the beginning, but of course she had to hear it from a professional. I kept my cool...only exploded when she said I have been selfish in our relationship. I responded, "You have been selfish, you destroyed our family and another family so you could feel better about yourself, that is the most selfish thing anyone could do." She wasn't happy and the MC agreed that the choice of an A is all on her head.

My WW said some hurtful things, but I let them go. I let her vent. After we left the office and walked to our cars she said she want to give the marriage a chance. She is going to talk to the OM and insist he leaves the office for another site.

We talked for a couple of hours afterwards and we had good conversation. The WW says the OM is going through a lot with his family (His wife already knows because she found the cell phone bill too!) I thought about calling the wife but couldn't get a contact number for her.

I believe we can get through this and I think she is ready to move forward, but I will continue to monitor cell phone. I want to trust her, but I can't right now. I know it's going to take time.

Thanks again for the comments

Brandon808 posted 11/14/2013 22:17 PM

Sorry for your pain and I hope you're right that you can get through this. However...

Your WW has not expressed true remorse. For that matter she has yet to really even express any regret. She's got a long way to go on that front.

NC letter to OM and IC for her is a must if you are to even consider not going D route imho.

For your sake I'd advise you find a lawyer and get some advice on how to protect yourself. Do the 180. Look after yourself. Eat, hydrate and exercise. IC would for your own healing is a good idea too.

Skan posted 11/15/2013 10:46 AM

Everything that Brandon808 said.

Look. I'm glad that she is now saying that she wants to give the marriage a chance, is going to MC, and so on. That's a step in the right direction, but she is still very much in the WW Fog and is not showing anything but regret that she got caught.

Please remember this is the woman who was making plans to leave you and take your children away from you because SHE wanted to go live in lala land with another man. She wanted to deprive YOU of YOUR children because SHE cheated. She wanted YOUR children to be raised by ANOTHER man.

Never forget this while she is merely regretful that she got caught.

Please go see a lawyer and find out what your rights are. Find out what you have to do to petition to have physical custody of your children. Get those papers in order and hold onto them. You don't have to file them, but you better have them ready to go immediately if she tries to make a run for it with your children. If she decides she wants to leave and go screw around, she does not get to take your children and expose them to her affair partner(s).

(((hugs))) This is just horrible, I know. We're here to support you.

catatonic posted 11/15/2013 11:31 AM

I'm not sure if I would believe that OM wife knows. Could be she is trying to protect him.

Dawn58 posted 11/16/2013 10:12 AM

I know the pain you are going through. My WH never had any remorse and we never went into counseling so I have nothing to share about that. The only thing I wanted to share with you, is to listen to what their actions tell you. After I confronted him on his affair (and he asked me to leave), we talked. He made it sound like the door was still open for the marriage, that he had not decided what he wanted to do. Yet his actions were quite clear - he continued to see her, would not go into counseling with me, or take any action that told me he wanted to be in the marriage. But I hung onto his words. I learned to listen to his actions.


jackson posted 11/16/2013 12:50 PM

You relly need to talk to the OM's BW. I would have my doubt about her being told. This will also enforce the end of the A. Do not tell your WW before hand.

happyman64 posted 11/17/2013 07:35 AM


I agree. Het to the OM wife and make sure she knows what is going on.

Expose the Affair. When an affair is exposed to the light they often die.

Your wife is a liar and in the "fog".

She could easily continue the affair and hide it better. All she needs is a burner phone.

Get smart. Get tough and speak to an attorney.

Your wife cannot just move your kids to another location or school district like that so speak to an attorney so you know your rights.

A workplace affair needs to be killed ASAp before they escalate it.

Then decide if your wife is truly remorseful and now being honest with you.


AJMT4Life posted 11/25/2013 19:53 PM

Well, everything you all said is completely true. She is a lying, cheating, soul-less, selfish bi***! So, after counseling she said she was going to go to Vermont with her girlfriend over the weekend to "clear her head." I told her to do what she thought was best. I asked her if the OM would be going and she said NO. Well guess what, she left without telling me and I saw she took money out of an ATM in West Virginia. Bells started going off in my head, because WV is not on the way to Vermont and also the OM's cell phone is based in WV. A simple google search revealed that the ATM she took money out of was a mile from his house! What a dumb bit**! At this point, I lost it. I texted her and asked if she was with him, of course she said no.

This is when I realized she is one messed up girl that has no feelings for me at all. I found the wife, emailed her a told her everything. She emailed me that next morning and told me her husband was "hunting" in upstate NY...hmmm the same place where my stupid wife was staying the night.

Well, my wife found out the other wife knew and got on plane to fly home. She was so pissed off! She is still angry AT ME for exposing this. She wanted to sweep it under the rug and hope it all goes away. Well I told her mom, dad, brother, my parents. The other wife told HR. Her life is a complete mess right now.

I just wanted her to feel the pain of having your whole world crash down around you in an instant. I wanted her hurt for what she did to me. I wanted the OM to hurt, to deal with what we are dealing with. Here the kicker, she told me I messed up the other guy's life, his wife is unstable and is crazy...what a joke!

I can't believe someone I loved so much could hurt me this bad. I can't believe I could do the same to her, but f**k it. I don't need this shit.

Still no remorse...out tonight at happy hour while I'm at home with the kids. Some people are seriously messed up in the head!

painfulpast posted 11/25/2013 21:08 PM

Here the kicker, she told me I messed up the other guy's life, his wife is unstable and is crazy...what a joke!

Can any WS even try to be original? She did every last thing we said she would do - say OBS is crazy, lie about seeing him, blame you, lie about OBS knowing, just all of it. Pathetic.

So she's out now with friends? Unreal.

File for divorce. Show her you aren't about to deal with her bullshit. File, let her know she needs to find other living arrangements if she plans on having a boyfriend.

You cannot nice her back, at all. She won't even begin to think she's messed up unless there are consequences. Cheaters are like spoiled kids. Say there will be repercussions all day long. That isn't even going to register. As long as she has her 'husband', wanting her and waiting for her, she will continue to behave this way. She will treat you as badly as you will allow. Show her that, while she may have no respect for you, you have respect for yourself, and you absolutely will end this marriage if she doesn't wake up and realize what she is losing. Until then, she will do anything she wants. She does not fear losing you, at all.

I'm sorry she's done this. I always hope maybe this one will be different. Sadly, they never are.

hopefulmother posted 11/25/2013 21:47 PM

Good for you, for taking the bull by the horns and exposing the OM.

So sorry, for all the pain.

I really do wish we could stick all the broken selfish spouses in one state, so that the moral people that are left over can have the chance at a real relationship. (Even though R is going well for us...I just get so angry after reading these types of posts and remembering how cruel, heartless, and selfish these cheaters are.) I mean really...there is the door...just go. Why drag us behind them?

Brandon808 posted 11/25/2013 22:21 PM

Here the kicker, she told me I messed up the other guy's life, his wife is unstable and is crazy...what a joke!
Painfulpast is right. If I had a nickel for every time a someone's WW claimed the OM's BW is unstable, crazy, yada-yada-yada.

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