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Getting past resentment, sorry a little tmi

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julesinpain posted 11/14/2013 16:03 PM

We don't have money for a poly, IC or MC.

I want to give this marriage more time to heal, but I don't know how to get over all the resentment and that I feel he is still lying to me about his affair. His answers after TT'ing and lying to me for so long about it are WAY to perfect when he finally told me some info!! It all just doesn't add up and so many things just don't make sense! My gut says he is still not being truthful about the affair!

For example, sorry TMI

One night during sex he bit my nipples so hard, I scream out. It hurt and I said I did not like it.

Three days latter his OW says out loud to everyone "I love my nipples bit so hard like you are going to bite them off" (I did not know it at the time but they were already having an affair for two weeks)

I, at the time thought it was strange that she said that after he tried it on me, but she was my (so called) friend and I wasn't thinking affair between them at that point. He swears he never had actual sex with her or has ever went near her nipples. But to me, that is just too much of a coincidence!!! Am I right??

This past Jan. He admitted that they felt each other up, but only on the outside of their clothes, never under. He said that was the only time they touched sexually and it happened the week before I discovered their affair(this is an example of what I think is the perfect answer, just enough in hopes to keep satisfied with his answer) I discovered their affair almost 3 months after the nipple biting incident. This was one of a few sexual things that did not add up. I don't believe they did not have sex. A few other incidents say otherwise too. I just don't believe they "just felt each other up outside of their clothes"

I feel his last TT was sort of made up or left stuff out to give me just enough so I would believe him, but not make him look SO bad! Do you know what I mean?

I have been trying so hard to just get over the fact that I will never get the truth from him. He is very stubborn!! If I want to stay and he will not give me the truth I need to learn how to move on from it. I am the type that needs the truth so this is hard for me and has kept us stuck! I haven't been able to move forward cause I know we are still living on his lie. It has Kept me from telling him I love him again too.

I want to stay in the marriage at this point, but how do I get over all the resentment that I carry that I feel he is still lying to me about his affair? That he is letting me live on his lies?

Does anyone have any ideas how to move on when you want the marriage and know you will never get the truth, but you feel you need the truth?

silverhopes posted 11/14/2013 16:10 PM

I agree with you. Too much of a coincidence. He is definitely lying.

How to "get past" resentment when accepting that you're living with a liar who will not tell you the truth about how they destroyed your marriage and your life? I don't know if there's really a way to get past that. The only way I can think of is to do such a severe 180 that you permanently lose some of your care for them. So that the lying partner matters less to you than they used to. To see all their hurtful traits, know to yourself that they are all turnoffs and then... that's it, they're turnoffs, so you're turned off to big parts of them. And then you focus on yourself.

That's not being in R. But it is a way to survive. It's painful and lonely, but it also protects your heart from them. If they cannot learn their lessons and do the work, then they can never keep you safe.

(((hugs))) That is a very painful place to be in. Would you ever consider keeping your options open, just so that the possibility of leaving is never fully closed out, just so you can give yourself an out if it becomes too much? Sometimes just knowing that it's possible to leave can really help, instead of feeling completely trapped.

plainpain posted 11/14/2013 16:17 PM

Wow, I'm sorry, that must hurt so badly. Honestly, it sounds like OW said that on purpose, to get at you. Like, perhaps they were having conversations about sex and he told her what he'd done and that you didn't like it? It seems very, very odd that she would say something like that out loud in front of you, three days after he'd done this fancy new trick on you. Maybe they weren't having sex - maybe they were - but I would say that it sounds like he was discussing personal things with her, and she was wanting you to know that whatever it was you didn't like, she luuuuuurved it. Very, very violating, IMO.

Trust your gut, julesinpain. Your gut does not lie to you. In all the lies my H told me, my gut never once lied to me. I am so sorry you are going through this.

julesinpain posted 11/14/2013 19:14 PM

silverhopes, thank you for your hugs! It is a very painful and a tough spot to be in when you want to keep the marriage. I am trying to hang on and learn to live with it, but leaving the marriage one day because I am unable to deal with living on what I feel is a lie, will be an option If I just can not handle the limbo anymore!

My only options I think I have, are to learn to live with the fact he is still lying to me, or get out and move on.

plainpain, I agree that I think she said it on purpose. I did not even think that maybe they had discussed that I didn't like it and she threw it out letting him know she would love it. I was thinking along the lines that he did it for her and he tried it on me, and she was getting her kicks out of announcing how much she loves it in front of me and her BH! Maybe that excited her to know my WH did that for her, knew I didn't like it and she got off announcing it to me, since I did not know they were in the affair at that time.

Who knows, she is an evil bitch! I could totally see her doing something like either of those!! Sometimes, even this many years later I want to punch her in the face!! I had to see her yesterday, and she had her big ugly giant horse tooth grin on. I had to see her ugly giant receding hairline which makes her forehead look like a troll dolls. I sent her a Rogaine coupon in the mail once and told her there are things that could fix that! Sorry, I really am not a mean person, I just hate seeing her and I am a little angry tonight!

plainpain posted 11/15/2013 00:53 AM

I don't see any reason why you should not be very angry. It's absolutely awful.

KatieG posted 11/15/2013 02:23 AM

I'm not surprised you're angry!
When I was getting TT I wanted to believe him and I felt betrayed all over again (plus relief) when the truth finally came out.

A few days before the confession, I had had enough and said to him that I couldn't be with him if I couldn't trust him. I loved him, he said he loved me and I wanted to believe the story. But the pain was too much - just a feeling that things were not as they seemed.

Trust your instinct and state your case. When I did, my WBF said it was the turning point. When I told him I couldn't do it anymore he changed instantly. I think the shift went from me being in the relationship and trying to R to me being a separate person and knowing what I needed to carry on.

Ostrich80 posted 11/15/2013 04:04 AM

I think he's lying about not having sex, that's a pretty big ko- inky -dink. As far as getting past not knowing the truth, I don't think you can, I know I couldn't. I tried but I couldn't let go of not knowing what.I really knew, if you Kwim?

julesinpain posted 11/15/2013 12:08 PM

I did not find SI until about a year ago. So wish I would have found it much sooner. I was weak and did so many things the wrong way!

After I found SI, you all helped me stand up for myself soom. I still am not the super strong person I once was years ago. My self esteem was so rocked, but I can see me coming back off and on now.

I did stand up for myself this past January and told him I couldn't do this anymore and I knew he was lying to me about how much stronger their relationship was then he let on. I told him I was leaving him. That is when I got the they "felt each other up on the outside of our clothes" and that she got herself off on the phone the week before that, but he hated it and it was very awkward. I do not believe he hated I wish I hadn't let those answers stand back in Jan. because now I just see them as a load of crap! Like I said too many coincidences and things just don't add up.

I think the answers he gave me were hard to take in at the moment he told me, and is why I did not question how perfect they were at that time. But ever since, it has bothered me, that so much just still doesn't add up. So here I am still knowing that I need to get past it, or live with the resentment in my marriage and stay married. Or get out.

I want to stay married, I don't want the resentment in my marriage. Just don't know how to fix it. :( Thanks everyone for your replys!

Offhispedestal posted 11/15/2013 12:42 PM

I agree with posters here saying he is lying about not having sex with her. The biting in my opinion was NOT a coincidence.
When a spouse does something completely off the norm came from somewhere.
I feel your pin and resentment. If he doesn't come clean it will take so much longer to heal or you might never let go of resentment.

In my situation, the MOW loved and I LOVED being severely bitten all over, especially her back, LOVED being choked.
So imagine my reaction when his teeth took a pitbull grip on my back, felt like he was drawing blood. He did that to my nipple has well. On several occasions I felt him sort of try to put pressure on my neck. This was extremely difficult for me to bring up. I was afraid of him getting really defensive. Well I talked myself out of that quick and bluntly this what MOW liked? Because in over 20yrs you never once did that!!!??? At first he said NOWAY! I just felt so much adrenaline and pleasure and I just wanted to bite you etc...
He didn't deny it for long. He told me one day that she wanted to be viciously bitten, she loved being choked during sex. He told me we was scary but it's not like we killed anyone.
I told him "I don't want to know exactly what you meant by that" thinking later I'm pretty sure she liked erotic asphyxiation (being choked until you almost pass out when you're about to orgasm)
He never did it again. I hate it because sure I love some light biting,sucking. And sometimes we are enjoying ourselves so much that I'm tempted to kiss,bite and suck his chest and I don't do it because I think of her. Other times I tell myself "fuck you MOW,imagine myself kicking her off our bed and have amazing sex. Yeah our minds can protect us...

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. This is NOT going to leave your mind and in fact tell him that sex is going to be a huge issue for you if he doesnt come clean. They really believe if they don't tell, it won't hurt. The fact that he's hiding this from you will affect you for God knows how long. He needs to know that withholding that is like continuos pain.
Because the unknown makes our brains create scenarios forever. It's also being a coward denying and TT for so long. Those who continue to TT will slowly kill their BS little by little.


sisoon posted 11/15/2013 15:24 PM


I see why you're in pain - you want to stay M, but you can't be in an M with a guy who's lying to you, and you think your H is lying to you. I do, too, along with many others.

If you threaten credibly to end your M, maybe he'll come clean - but you're not ready to end the M if he doesn't.

I strongly, strongly urge you not to rugsweep.

It sounds like your best bet is to give yourself permission to either risk D or to stay in limbo.

plainpain posted 11/15/2013 16:07 PM

Oh wow, my H's OW liked to be choked, too. Is this a thing now? Is this on the menu? Cause I'd be happy to choke her...

fyou143 posted 11/15/2013 16:38 PM

this is me and my situation and that is because i'm two years into it with two dday's

my seeking the truth never came I had to find it myself and when I would confront omy he would blow off the hinges

My resentment became calm and then i started to bottle up and then my resentment became anger that sometimes it felt like this relationship was ok and I was starting anew but then something so insignificant would blow the top off my bottled up emotions. Don't know if it will get better but if you need to talk to someone I'm always here

BeyondBreaking posted 11/15/2013 16:43 PM

That is WAY too much of a coincidence. One of the top signs of how to tell your spouse is having an affair is new and sudden sex moves. Especially with her announcing her sexual preferences matching when they were having an affair and new moves he was trying on you...doesn't add up to me and I really have a hard time believing it.

He is someone who has so far had a track record of TT and lying, and therefore I also don't believe him based on his past behavior.

When things don't make sense about his story, it is usually for a reason- either he changed information or omitted it altogether to make it not sound as bad as what actually happened. What he doesn't realize is that the TT is worse and does more damage than pretty much anything he could have done during the A.

doesitgetbetter posted 11/15/2013 17:15 PM

He lies because he knows he can get away with it, as he has been for, what, 6 years now.

You have 2 choices basically. Stay with a man that you KNOW is lying to you and try to make that work (how, I have no idea, I thought a good marriage was built on trust and respect).

Or stand up for yourself, demand the truth, and it he's not willing to give you the truth your gut knows, then leave. No waffling back and forth, no letting him give a little tiny trickle truth and then accepting him back, take a firm stand and demand the entire truth and don't buckle until you get it. THEN you can consider putting the pieces back together to a HEALTHY marriage.

julesinpain posted 11/15/2013 18:08 PM

Thank you all for your replies!! I really appreciate your input on this difficult situation I am trying to work out!

I know I need to once again step it up and demand what I need from him, if I am really going to be able to heal in the marriage. Pull my bitch boots back on! I just don't know If I would be able to be really happy if I just let this go! I am so tired and exhausted having to fight to live on the truth! It has been so long and I just want to be on to the healing part! He doesn't understand how very badly I need it and he is stubborn! He says he has told me the whole truth. I have been having many good days lately, but the resentment is always lingering there and it is holding us back from having a great marriage again! I just don't know how to let it go!

He has been amazing and doing everything right and taking great care of the kids and I. He really steps up now to make my life great! Except that he knows I feel we are still living on his lies! He hates talking about it, because he feels he has told me the truth. Heard that tune before though! :( My gut tells me there is no way it is the truth. Too many coincidences and things that don't add up. Why can't I just move on since he is being so amazing again?? Why can't I just let it go and live? Why do I feel I need the truth so badly? I have tried to let it go! I just can't seem to be able to.

plainpain Hahaha! I laughed out loud at what you wrote about choking her if she liked it so much. Too funny! Thanks for the laugh!

Getting ready for a party right now, but will read everything over again what you all have written to me and respond tomorrow when I can.

Thanks again for you help and strength!

doesitgetbetter posted 11/16/2013 07:29 AM

You feel you need the truth so bad because trust is a foundation of a healthy, good marriage. We can have healthy good marriages again after infidelity, but the foundation of truth must be built back up brick by brick. Without that foundation, the building (marriage) can't stand with just 3 walls.

julesinpain posted 11/18/2013 15:22 PM

When a spouse does something completely off the norm came from somewhere
I agree with this 100% and is one of the biggest reasons I don't believe him. Why would he try something new on me, and she mentions the same exact thing a few days later!! He really expects me to believe it was just a coincidence!! So lame!
If he doesn't come clean it will take so much longer to heal or you might never let go of resentment.
This is what I am afraid of! I want to just let it go, but obviously I still haven't been able to over all these years, and I am not sure I ever will!
I strongly, strongly urge you not to rugsweep.
You are right! It hasn't worked yet, so not sure why I feel it ever will. I am just so exhausted trying to get the truth out of him!! I don't think he is cheating anymore, but trying to get the truth once again is going to be so tiresome and exhausting. Things feel good mostly between us. He has been so great in so many ways. I just know, living on his lies will continue to never let me be the wife I can be again to him. Let me get closer to him like I should! I feel like I can never let him past my brick wall because he refuses to tell me the whole truth. I also feel that his lies about their affair is still about him protecting her and I have big issues with that!! A lot of resentment toward that alone!

fyou143, thank you! I just might take you up on that soon!

What he doesn't realize is that the TT is worse and does more damage than pretty much anything he could have done during the A
This is so true! So draining and I get very angry thinking about how long I have been dealing with this because he refuses to stop TT'ing me!! How does he expect me to move on and trust him again, when he knows he is still lying to me about it all? I feel he is scared to tell, because it is way worse then he has let on!
He lies because he knows he can get away with it, as he has been for, what, 6 years now.
You have 2 choices basically. Stay with a man that you KNOW is lying to you and try to make that work (how, I have no idea, I thought a good marriage was built on trust and respect).
You are completely right! He lies because he keeps getting away with it for so long. I even catch him in stupid little lies over and over. He has gotten away with it for so many years. Too many years. A good marriage is built on trust! Something I may not ever get back especially since I feel he is still lying about it.
You feel you need the truth so bad because trust is a foundation of a healthy, good marriage. We can have healthy good marriages again after infidelity, but the foundation of truth must be built back up brick by brick. Without that foundation, the building (marriage) can't stand with just 3 walls.

This is very true, doesitgetbetter! Thank you for your insight! Thank you all! I think I need to take a deep breath and once again demand the truth if I ever want to trust and let my walls down again. This is so tiring!!!

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