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Newest Member: Basia52 (45745)

User Topic: Confrontation tonight- need some support
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ 40769
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Discovered through phone records that he broke NC in August several times.
I gave him a casual chance to come clean "has there been any contact since xxx day?"
He dropped the ball.

I wrote a letter listing their contact for that period- him calling her and her calling him.

In the letter I explained how we are now bak at square one. He can come clean or move out of my way as I heal myself.
I love him but I cannot do this.
I know he loves me- that's what hurts so bad.

I really could just use a few words so I don't back out.

He's on his way home and I am a mess.

[This message edited by Wondertwin at 4:08 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
heforgotme
♀ 38391
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think what you are requesting is entirely reasonable.

Don't back out.

You are correct.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1085 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
neverdidithink
♀ 40568
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh (((Twinnie))) this sucks.

Be strong. I know this is hard because you still love him, but you need to love yourself more right now. Lay it all out and take some time to decide whether or not you're willing to start this process again.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Reach out if you need to vent.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 344 | Registered: Sep 2013
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wondertwin,

R won't be true anyway if you don't call him on things like this. Don't back out.

Sending you thoughts of strength for tonight. You can do this. You deserve the truth.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38694 | Registered: Sep 2007
silverhopes
♀ 32753
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Go for it. If you're nervous, it could even be as simple as handing him the paper and then not saying a word and instead seeing what he has to say for himself. Whether more lies spill out of his mouth, whether he comes clean. Whether he even offers a proper apology. His response should be telling.

You can do this. You weren't the spouse who was up to no good. He has a lot to answer for. This is his responsibility.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3921 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Getting to Happy
♀ 35200
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't Back Out. Stand strong.

You deserve an authentic life.

Thinking of you and sending you light for honesty and transparency.

((((( W T )))))


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1144 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
jjsr
♀ 34353
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

be strong


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1659 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
5454real
♂ 37455
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sending mojo.

what he is showing you through the continued lies is not love. just continuing the hurt and pain.

strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3172 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Emptynester3
♀ 41309
Member # 41309
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to stay strong and confront him. For successful reconciliation, there has to be NC and he has to be able to bear his soul. I know they sometimes feel like they have no privacy and resent having to be accountable all the time but, this is the price they pay for cheating. If he loves you.. He has to be truthful from now on. You deserve that for all the pain he's put you through. His reaction to your letter will say it all. Sometimes they just don't get it until you spell it out for them. Tell him what you need..demand it in a calm and assertive way. I' m an emotional person and it took me awhile before I could confront my husband without crying and yelling, but now he clearly knows what I need. Your Dday was not that long ago, those first 6 months are so emotionally difficult, even if they do everything right. More lying makes it more difficult. Stay strong and make him come clean, for the last time.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Nov 2013
RipsInMyChest
♀ 41166
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((WT))))))
Stay strong! Update when you can.... hoping it goes well for you.


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 284 | Registered: Oct 2013
Skan
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah honey, my heart just breaks for you. I've had to do what you're doing tonight. It isn't fair and it isn't right. Be strong.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5097 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
betrayedme2
♂ 40639
Member # 40639
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to confront him! Let him know you know. Let him know you gave him an opportunity to confess and he didn't. Let him know how you feel. You let him get by with this, what would be next? Let him know you mean business. Don't rug sweep!

Best wishes and hugs!! Good luck!!


dday: 1/19/13
ME: mid 40's
WW: low 40'3
2 daughters, 17, 21
Reconciling

Posts: 83 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
AML04
♀ 39682
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My heart hurts for you just reading this. Don't back down, you deserve so much more.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Healing2012
♀ 35238
Member # 35238
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are strong...you can do this. What you wrote speaks to that: Come clean or move out of my way while I heal myself.

That's really what this is all about - healing. You were trying to heal together. If he chooses not to do that, you know you can (and will) still heal yourself. You will come out of this stronger.


BS: Me (41)
WS: Husband (47)
Married 9 years
Two children 6 & 17 (my stepson)
D-day #1: 12/18/11
D-day #2: 8/26/12 (still in contact w/ OW)
Status: Separated - not R, not D.

Posts: 359 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Midwest
SoAngryAndHurt
♀ 40150
Member # 40150
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be strong. You deserve truth and honesty. Sending you thoughts of strength and support. You don't deserve anything less than the truth. ((Hugs))


Me BW 41
Him WH 35
2 kiddos elementary school age
Married 11 years
05/20/13 let the rugsweeping & TT begin
07/01/13 finally!! The whole truth. Admits to EA/PA

Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2013
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ 40769
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 5:23 AM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much to everyone. I really needed all of your strength last night.
He came home and we went to a private place to talk. I handed him the letter and just sat there.
He read it. Immediately after reading he was quiet for a few minutes.
Then he started taking.
A lot.

No deflections, no defenses- just came as clean as he could.

I finally got the whole story. There were definitely some revelations that I had feared, but not heard from him.
There are still questions an details that I need- but not just yet. Last night was enough for now.
It is hard. It feels like DDay all over again. This was not Trickle Truth- this was avalanche truth.

I am trying to resort the memories... Again.
I am so tired. And he is so sad ad remorseful. I am numb.
We did not argue. We just talked. He talked- I slowly lost my mind one sentence at a time.
We went to bed early, but neither of us slept. It's a work day ad we are going through the motions.
I think I am still numb.

I told him that I had told myself NC was a deal breaker. I told him that last night. Had his reaction been ANYTHING but what it was, I would have used a few hefty bags.
For now- I just need to sit with the new information and process.
I love him- but I am so tired and so unsure.

We have hugged- he has apologized and he answered many many questions.
Now I guess we just wait.
I told him that being intimate in any way right now was just too difficult for me. This is something I have not done before- even in the beginning (damn you HB).
But for now- I don't know how I would handle it and I really can't take a breakdown right now.
I am just going to be for a little bit. No decisions, no plans... Just eat, sleep, love my kids and do my job.
Thank you again my friends.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
sinsof thefather
♀ 29295
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Wondertwin)))))

I'm so sorry you've been hit by so much TT - but glad that at last he has hopefully come completely clean. I think you are wise to just sit with this for the time being and just concentrate on taking care of you. You are in my thoughts.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1894 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
AML04
♀ 39682
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree, definitely sit with this one. When I got hit with the TT avalanche I thought I was done. The more I sat on it the more I realized I wasn't ready to throw in the towel, yet.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
myeverafter
41012
Member # 41012
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs! Just don't forget to take care of yourself too.


Me - BW 35
Him - fWH 37
D-Day: 7/13
2 yr EA; 8 mo PA.

Posts: 86 | Registered: Oct 2013
iwillNOT
♀ 40605
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Wondertwin)))


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 514 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 30
Pages: 1 · 2

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