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Moving Son 2100 Miles Away from Father and Siblings

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SisterMilkshake posted 11/14/2013 16:12 PM

My sister is moving 2100 miles away from her husband. She is taking her 15 year old son with her. She is getting legally separated from her husband. She has other grown children and 4 grand children that are just babies (under 3) and 2 six year old grandsons.

She justifies moving her son from his father as "They aren't very close anyway."

What do you think?

Dark Inertia posted 11/14/2013 16:42 PM

Depends on the circumstances regarding the situation. My mother moved my brother and I over 6000 miles away from our bio dad. She went to a different continent to get away from him, and though I ended up never meeting my dad I still believe for her it was the right decision to make.

SisterMilkshake posted 11/14/2013 16:47 PM

The father is not abusive in anyway. He smokes pot on occasion, doesn't drink or do other drugs. Has always been in all his 6 children's lives. He says he doesn't love my sister anymore, she says she needs to get away from him to heal.

GabyBaby posted 11/14/2013 16:53 PM

Unless its a situation where there's abuse, I'm not a fan of moving kids away from involved parents.

When my former marriage exploded, I could have moved back to the East coast instead of staying in California. That would have meant taking my kids away from their father and I wouldn't do that to them (or him).

Yes, it took longer to heal, but it was in THEIR best interests to have their father in their lives.

SisterMilkshake posted 11/15/2013 13:09 PM

Thanks, Gaby, that is how I feel.

but it was in THEIR best interests to have their father in their lives.
I feel my sister is being rather selfish and find myself having a hard time being supportive of her. I love her and want her to be happy.

GabyBaby posted 11/15/2013 13:33 PM

How does your nephew feel about moving away from his father and siblings?

SisterMilkshake posted 11/15/2013 14:38 PM

He feels sad. My sister gave him a choice. She told him that she would stay where they were (and then she couldn't go to the school she wants to go to) or they can move to CA (from IN) and she can go to the school she wants to go to. He is a very good kid. Close to his mother. I thought it was a horrible position to put him in. I don't feel at 15 years old that you are cognizant to make that kind of a choice. *shrug*

They don't have money, they will not be able to visit much. At most, twice a year.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 5:30 AM, November 16th (Saturday)]

GabyBaby posted 11/15/2013 15:08 PM

I thought it was a horrible position to put him in.
This exactly.
Your sister basically made him choose between his parents. That's so not cool. I feel bad for your nephew.

SisterMilkshake posted 11/15/2013 19:34 PM

I feel bad for your nephew.
Me, too. I feel this will come back and bite my sister in the ass when her DS15 grows up and really realizes the position she put him in. Especially if things don't go well for him in this move. Being 15 and moving, in the middle of a school year no less, will be extremely difficult. 15 is such a hard time in your life, too.

gonnabe2016 posted 11/16/2013 00:15 AM

Oh, nononono. Your sister shouldn't have done that to your nephew. I would be very hard-pressed to be supportive in this situation also, SMS.

SisterMilkshake posted 11/16/2013 05:30 AM

Thanks for understanding my pov, gonna. I feel as though I am being a judge-y bitch, but I am glad to see others feel that this isn't the "right" thing to do, too.

happenedtome posted 11/16/2013 06:26 AM

You aren't being judgmental, Sister. If all the sibs and their kids live nearby, I assume your nephew has lived in that area most of his life. How cruel and selfish to uproot him when life as he knows it is already in flux. And to put him in the position of "choosing" whether to stay?? Seriously? That "offer" was simply to assuage your sister's own guilt and justify her own selfish choices. To me, that makes it even worse for him, because now if he's miserable, he made the "choice." I have a 15 year old son and I can't imagine making him pull up stakes in the middle of the school year unless there was a very very good reason for it. Your kid's needs should come before your own, in my opinion.

SisterMilkshake posted 11/16/2013 09:21 AM

That "offer" was simply to assuage your sister's own guilt and justify her own selfish choices. To me, that makes it even worse for him, because now if he's miserable, he made the "choice."
You nailed it, happenedtome, I feel. He has lived in the same house for his entire life. A pretty small town, too.
How cruel and selfish to uproot him when life as he knows it is already in flux.
Exactly. Taking him completely away from all his support systems.

There is no talking to my sister about this. When she makes up her mind to do something, she is going to do it. God told her this was what she should do and she is doing this on faith.

AFrayedKnot posted 11/16/2013 09:32 AM

Relocating for an education or career makes a little more sense than just on a whim.

Is the school she wants to attend a top school for her field or is it simply a desire?

Could she receive a comparable education where she is?

SisterMilkshake posted 11/16/2013 09:37 AM

Is the school she wants to attend a top school for her field or is it simply a desire?
It is some kind of religious school with the word "Supernatural" in it. She will go to this school full time for 2 years. The school is not accredited. She will not come away with any kind of "legitimate" degree. She will get some kind of degree that she feels will enable her to get a job in ministry. I think this puts her in the catergory of "desire".

ETA: BTW, my sister sent her oldest son to this school when he was 17. Two older male students got my nephew drunk (maybe drugged his drinks) and sexually assaulted him. Full on raped him. This nephew is now 24 years old and suicidal. Her oldest son, my sister can't deal with him. Basically running away from him and his problems, too.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 9:51 AM, November 16th (Saturday)]

AFrayedKnot posted 11/16/2013 10:17 AM

Ooooh....well I vote selfish. I am sorry for your nephew.

phmh posted 11/16/2013 10:54 AM

Can her husband do anything through the court system to prevent this? It has disaster written all over it.

SisterMilkshake posted 11/16/2013 11:03 AM

My sister is getting a "legal separation". I haven't spoken to my BIL, but according to my sister he was willing to let his 15 year old make the choice, too.

It has disaster written all over it.
This is what I fear, too, phmh. I do believe my BIL can say that he won't allow his son to be taken out of state. However, because of guilt, I feel he will let my sister do what she pleases, even at the expense of his son.

phmh posted 11/16/2013 11:25 AM

I'm sorry you have to witness this. I'm hoping that something will happen so she decides not to go. It sounds like she's only thinking of herself, and making decisions that will impact her kids' and grandkids' lives and relationships with her for the rest of her life. Her choice of study is quite ironic when most religions impress the importance of family and she's putting family last in her considerations (if she considered them at all.)

I can't imagine anyone thinking this is a good thing to do.

Good luck in dealing with this -- hopefully she'll see the light before it's too late!

gonnabe2016 posted 11/16/2013 11:47 AM

SMS, I understand your pov because stbx just pulled this bullshit on my youngest son (he's 14). Stbx told DS that he wanted to move 1000 miles away. Showed him homes he was looking at, area high schools, and all of the *cool* programs available in those schools. Then asked DS if he wanted to go with him; but if he didn't, that was ok too, because stbx would just stay here and not move. (and I had NO idea that stbx was talking to DS about this; DS walked around for about 3 weeks *knowing* that he had this discussion with his dad and that I didn't know about it -- hmmmm, I didn't ask DS, but I'm wondering if dad told him to keep it from me in a very subtle way?)

The *whipped cream* on this is that the *offer to move* ONLY applied to my youngest. My middle, who is special needs, is apparently 'better off' with me.

But the *cherry on top* was when stbx revealed this shit IN COURT at a pre-trial hearing. So yes. It is now public record that stbx wanted to move far away from the area and only take one of his kids -- and that he made the choice to put an *adult* decision in the hands of an adolescent.

Lucky for him -- he decided about 4 days later that he wasn't going to move after all. Too late, dude, the damage has already been done. Typical.


I really hope that your BIL objects to this.....even if he loses. I can't imagine how your nephew will feel if his dad won't even put up *some* type of fight for him.......

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