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I feel like a baby on here

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LearnToLoveAgain posted 11/14/2013 17:30 PM

We talked about the events that took place with my spouse on that faithful night with our MC and I told her this. I feel like a big baby. My H didn't even have sex with the girl (kissed, was about to and stopped before insertion) but it's still so hard to get passed. She sai it's cause it's still a level of betrayal he conscience kicked in but kicked In to late. I've had someone tell me that they wish they were in my shoes instead of the long ea/pa that they go through. Makes me feel like I should get over it all. Sorry. Weird day today. Nothing bad with my H just a weird mood and wanted it out.

silverhopes posted 11/14/2013 17:34 PM

You're not a baby. Your husband kissed another girl, flirted and drove things to that point, was naked with another girl, touched her, let her touch him. There's nothing minimal about that. It hurts. You don't have to feel badly for being hurt or in pain. Whoever said that they wished they could be in your shoes... it sounds like they were very wrapped up in their own pain. It sounds like their comment invalidated your own real pain. That's not very healing or supportive.

You're not a baby. What happened was every bit as serious as any other betrayal, because it destroyed *your* very personal world. You're safe here. We're here for you.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 5:34 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]

whiteflower99 posted 11/14/2013 17:45 PM

Betrayal is betrayal.

LearnToLoveAgain posted 11/14/2013 18:05 PM

Well there wasn't touching and stuff. It was super minimal and I guess that's why I feel like a baby? It was one kiss and she took his pants off and he stopped it. It still hurts that he let himself do that. Thanks for letting me vent and not making me feel like I'm not valid in being hurt. R is going great and he's doing everything right just feeling dumb for not being completely recovered.

LearnToLoveAgain posted 11/14/2013 18:08 PM

Also I wasn't trying to sound rude

silverhopes posted 11/14/2013 18:12 PM

It was one kiss and she took his pants off and he stopped it. It still hurts that he let himself do that.

Yes, it does still hurt. That's not minimal. None of that is minimal. Those were things he should never have been doing with another woman.

ETA: You weren't sounding rude, no worries. I listed things inaccurately, and you were telling me what was more accurate. I still say that it hurts and there's nothing minimal about those details. Betrayal IS betrayal, like whiteflower said.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 6:13 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]

LearnToLoveAgain posted 11/14/2013 18:37 PM

Thank you. Thank you so much. Work days are always the crummiest cause I can't stop what I'm doing and write in my journal.

SoVerySadNow posted 11/14/2013 18:51 PM

It was a painful betrayal.
Each type of betrayal has it's own pain, and no one here is going to think someone else's pain is less than their own.
You are amongst friends.

BeyondBreaking posted 11/14/2013 19:11 PM

You are NOT being a baby.

I have experienced all different types of A.

I walked in on my fiance cheating on me. Literally saw EVERYTHING. He had a PA/EA and when I left, he stayed with OW. It sucked.

My DD's dad had a multitude of OW's- the major one was an EA/PA that went on from the moment we started dating, and then he had a bunch of other PA's sprinkled in there as well. All of them sucked.

My current H cheated online. Never even met the women he sexted with. Didn't have long term relationships with any of them. I basically think of them as the online equivalent of ONS. It sucked.

You are not being a baby at all. Infidelity, in it's many forms SUCKS. Betrayal is betrayal- whether it happens online, on the phone, in person, emotionally or physically. It hurts and it sucks and it's wrong.

Comparing pain is a really lousy thing to do, and whoever sent you that message- THEY SUCK!

Shocked2believe posted 11/14/2013 19:46 PM

I see why you say that as my WH only had/having a EA and after all the awful things I've read about that have happened to others I wonder sometime what MY problem is? But I have to agree with all above. This is your pain and you're totally entitled to feel betrayed. He strayed outside the M no matter how you look at it.

Nature_Girl posted 11/14/2013 21:07 PM

Betrayal is betrayal. Pain from broken promises hurts. I'm not going to judge you.

Ostrich80 posted 11/15/2013 04:08 AM

Your definitely not acting like a baby. Betrayal in any form hurts. Hurts even more when its someone you love and trust. There will always be a story with more details, more history, more than one ap...that does not mean your pain is not just as bad as theirs.

heme posted 11/15/2013 10:28 AM

Thats like saying someone who gets stabbed with a steak knife shouldn't be complaining because someone else was stabbed with a machete.. Either one is going to hurt like hell..

It doesn't matter how far it went it is that it happened at all. Betrayal hurts in all its many forms.. I hope your day improves and the weird mood leaves soon. Do you write in a journal? I have one I started on D Day to help me keep my mind clear, it helps a lot when I get things on my mind that won't leave.

rachelc posted 11/15/2013 10:45 AM

honey I just wrote a similar thread on reconciliation a couple days ago - about me being a big baby... also, my husband just kissed as well.

still hurts like shit. I really don't care that he kissed the OW. I do care that time was spent with them and that is what I desperately needed from him.

Betrayal is betrayal. And recovering from being lied to is almost impossible

LearnToLoveAgain posted 11/15/2013 15:45 PM

I do keep a journal! Im going to write in it until we are out of MC and fully R'd and then I'm going to burn them. Have a ceremony of sorts and cleanse the past with fire. We had a great MC session yesterday and it along with my fWS has helped with those weird moods :)

TXBW68 posted 11/15/2013 16:43 PM

You're not being a baby. This is real. My only advice is do not let other people convince you that since it was "only" a kiss, it doesn't matter. My husband's first ONS was basically "just" foreplay. When it came to actual penetration, his conscience stopped him after 3 strokes.

That was in 2006. I didn't know about SI. We didn't go to counseling together. He went a couple of times by himself. I was his one and only up to that point. I always knew one day he would be curious about other women - but I expected us to talk about it. We talked about everything else.

My mistake was not holding him accountable then. I basically let him off the hook Because he stopped. I was proud that he stopped. I saw it as a sign that he loved me and that he could Never (sarcastically said now) do that to me again.

Three additional affairs and 10 months of separation later, he tells me that he really started spiraling down the rabbit hole after that incident. He says that since he "got away with it" the first time, it made the other times easier.

So, don't feel like a baby. Put on your bitch boots and make your husband do the work if he wants to stay married. Don't fall into the same trap I did and discover 6 years of your life was a joke.

Good luck!!

LearnToLoveAgain posted 11/15/2013 17:34 PM

Oh no getting away with it here. He doesn't make me feel like it's less or anything. It's all me ha. He's doing so much and more he's very remorseful.

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