We are three years out and the farther out we get, the worse I get. I'm not emotional anymore but the way I see him is as a monster...and this is fairly new (about 2 months). I don't know if I have the whole truth...and I doubt I will ever believe that I do. He had a 6 month EA with his ex-fiancÚ.
So now I am seeing my husband as an intruder/stranger. The only way I can think to explain it, and I hope I don't offend anyone who has been in a situation like this, but I envision him as how I think an abductor would be. He is someone who "murdered" my husband and took him away and now wants me to love him. He is not mean or abusive at all. But little things like him holding my hand in public make me uncomfortable...I don't hold his hand at home, there is no affection on my end...but when he grabs my hand in public he knows I won't make a big deal and I will just go along with it. In my mind, I have turned this into a control thing. Same with if he kisses me in public...I do not kiss him at home, but I don't want the rest of the world (church in particular) to suspect anything so I smile if he kisses my forehead or something. And I hate it. I feel like in those circumstances I am under his control.
He is a good guy...he didn't change because of the affair and is basically the same guy he was before all this, but I see him completely different. He has apologized and says he has given me all the info about the EA, but he has never cried, begged for forgiveness, told me something that I didn't already know, or bent over backwards to kiss my ass. He knows I can't go anywhere because I have been a SAHM for 7 yrs but he knows I have a plan to leave eventually because I don't see it getting better.
I do not want a divorce...but I don't see another way out. How do I stop seeing him as a monster? He's a decent guy who made a ginormous mistake...but I don't know if I will ever see him how I used to...or even close to it.