"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

AML04 posted 11/14/2013 20:10 PM

I want to write a long post and try to get out my feelings about this but I'm just so raw right now. WH has said more than once that he's happy. He's happy I have given him a second chance and with the direction we're going. I get this, I really do. But part of me just wants to scream "How can you even say you're happy when I'm a total f*cking mess!?"

Theres so much more but I just can't bear to write it right now. Has anyone else had to deal with this?

mchercheur posted 11/14/2013 20:14 PM

I have exactly the same situation going on here.
In fact, I am on the verge of tears, & WH is happily watching the game .

(((AML04)))

catatonic posted 11/14/2013 20:28 PM

Same situation here. DDay 8-17-13.
He says he is in a better state of mind. He says he is happy because his focus is on the kids, us, and our home.
He is think inning clearer. He says he us upset with the decision he has made. But he is happy that I found out, because he doesn't have to hide that secret or fear she will call me. He is happy we have been talking a lot. And he better understand my needs now. He is disappointed in his actions and what it is doing to me. But happy we are working together.
For me it is just another of the contradictions I have faced with this A.
Your sad, mad, and in distress, the WS is feeling better.
Your are angry at WS, but u turn to WS for comfort.
You want to kick WS out because WS broke vows, but your vows tell you to support each other in good times/ bad, sickness and health.

I did tell WS that maybe a good punishment would be you would have to live with OW. See how that would go for you.
See how 24/7 would be..

AML04 posted 11/14/2013 20:30 PM

((mchercheur))

I saw how upset he was when OW ended the A (even though I didn't know it then) and all I can think of is why can't my pain get that kind of reaction? I have seen him break down on a few occasions but it feels like he just wants to focus on moving forward. If he wasn't an emotional person I could understand but he is. Maybe he's just not sharing it with me, idk. It's just so hard to look at him and talk to him when I'm so torn up inside and he is feeling good. I want to be happy too, I just don't know how yet.

AML04 posted 11/14/2013 20:35 PM

Catatonic-exactly!!!! Those words could have come from my WH.

I don't want him to be miserable and in pain, I really don't. I'm not exactly sure what I want. This is just so hard!!

Donewithhiscrap posted 11/14/2013 21:41 PM

Haha. We've had this conversation before too.

He says that he's happy that everything is out in the open and there's no more secrets (turns out that was a joke too).

Here I am a hot mess and can barely function, but I'm glad you're happy.

Zayda1 posted 11/15/2013 04:00 AM

*sigh*. Same thing here too. WH says he is happy, is more in love with me than he has ever been, is thinking differently and is looking forward to our future together.

Meanwhile I'm still in therapy and wondering why does his happiness have to be at the detriment of my mental state. Today makes 19 months since Dday. And I'm back in therapy because I am stuck and haven't been able to move past it.

AML04 posted 11/15/2013 04:16 AM

DWTC-ugh. I am so sorry!!

Zayda1-I really hope IC helps. I know I'm not ready to move past it but I hope someday I will be.

Emptynester3 posted 11/15/2013 07:46 AM

Yes, just the other day I asked my husband how he was feeling about us and he replied,"this is the happiest I've been with us in a long time"! Then he looked at my face and said"what..you're not"? A tear rolled down my cheek as I tried to find the words and finally I said "no..I'm not happy..I feel sad all the time. Sad for the marriage I lost". We just can't win in this situation!

AML04 posted 11/15/2013 08:17 AM

"this is the happiest I've been with us in a long time"!

This!! I'm glad he is thinking about me, and that he sees what he could have lost and is happy he hasn't. Unfortunately my world was blown up and just because he sees the error of his ways, it doesn't make it all ok now. I know he knows this, it's just so damned hard to see him "happy"!

bionicgal posted 11/15/2013 08:56 AM

Ok, I am totally down with this, and have felt it. My H *is* happier in many ways than he was pre-A, and our marriage *is* better. In some ways I am happier as well, but those are the peaks -- between which are some really treacherous & hellacious valleys.

I think if you ask most waywards though, there is a black cloud hanging over them until there is real forgiveness and acceptance from the BSes, and maybe beyond. I think many of us fear that the WSes went on this joyride of lust and adventure during the A, but it isn't like that for most WS. They are truly at a low point when they enter the affair, and then they sink lower.

Even though there is sex involved, there is not really a way in which an A and all the secrecy and lies that it involves is a happy state of affairs. For 2+ months my H didn't sleep, didn't eat, and walked around like a ghost in his own life., fueled by getting his next "hit" off the OW. I wrote earlier this week about how I think an A is an abusive relationship for the people in it; I believe that is true. If they aren't abusing each other directly, it is self-abuse, like using drugs or alcoholism.

So I am not feeling sorry for him, but I think part of the injustice we feel is that we think they got to have their jollies and then come out happier in the end. I don't really think it is that way, not when I am being logical. They are happier now because they are healthier, because they are moving in the direction of real love, and real intimacy. Or, at least they are outside of the grips of the destructive relationship. I bet if you ask your WS what their overriding emotions were in the affair, they were 90% negative.

Hopefully we can all move towards peace and health.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 8:58 AM, November 15th (Friday)]

heme posted 11/15/2013 09:01 AM

My husband told me he was "happier now" last week. I snapped and said a few things I would have probably been nicer about if I had thought it out. I don't think he will be telling me how "happy" he is for a while now.

Its not that I don't want him to be happy but honestly Im miserable. Im hurting. I really don't want to know how your life is improving after you destroyed a potion of mine thanks.

brokengirl520 posted 11/15/2013 10:10 AM

catatonic you hit the nail on the head, that is my exact life everyday!

AML04 posted 11/15/2013 10:50 AM

Bionicgal-for my WH, he lived for the times he spoke to/was with OW. I honestly don't think he list any sleep during his A because he wouldn't let himself feel guilty. He never let himself think about what he was doing. So yeah, he had a few months of crazy, exciting fun with OW. That is until he did start feeling guilty and then she decided she wanted to make things work with BBF and broke it off with him. I saw that pain, even though I didn't know what it was at the time. I felt awful for him because I couldn't understand it.

Now that he's out of the fog, I get that he's happy, I truly do. It just makes me feel awful.

jo2love posted 11/15/2013 11:21 AM

(((AML04)))

I wonder if he really meant that he is happy/thankful you are giving him the chance to R.

steadfast1973 posted 11/19/2013 08:05 AM

Oh, mine has had an epiphany... Finally able to actually appreciate me, and enjoy my company... I'm his guardian angel... why did it take effing a prostitute for you to "see me"? He's ready to rebuild a marriage... And i am realizing that we never really had one to rebuild. I've wasted 11 years. To add insult to injury, he slept with the whore (literal, not name calling) exactly a month before my 40th birthday. What did I get for my birthday? Herpes. (I am so angry at myself for giving into HB before the results came in, too)

I am glad he's remorseful... I'm glad I am FINALLY even an option... But damn it... His giddy happiness about spending time with me while I am dying inside makes me want to punch him in his face.

hopefullromantic posted 11/19/2013 16:17 PM

I think for many waywards (not all) they are "happy" after the A because they are able to compartmentalize so well. They have the attention of their BSs, and they have let go of the burden of maintaining a secret life with the AP and the occasional guilt that went with it. That is not to say they don't feel any remorse or guilt for what they did, it's just that they are better able to put away that unpleasantness easier than the BS can, and bask in what's good for the moment. It's the same way of thinking that allowed them to have the A to begin with.

steadfast1973 posted 11/19/2013 16:33 PM

He's remorseful, and doing all the right things, and telling truths, even nasty ones he's ashamed of... He told me today, part of him wishes he hadn't told me, that him telling me devastated me, while lifting the huge weight from his shoulders...

MissesJai posted 11/19/2013 16:48 PM

FWW here - might be nice to hear from an actual FWS instead of a proxy.

there is a black cloud hanging over them until there is real forgiveness and acceptance from the BSes, and maybe beyond

I can't speak for your WS, but for ME, as a FWW, this is pretty damn accurate. I had my happy moments, but I wasn't totally happy because I knew that forgiveness was a long way away and that NOTHING was certain.

Bottom line - communicate your feelings. No matter the outcome, let him know how you feel. Don't sit there and stew.

AML04 posted 11/19/2013 19:18 PM

I'm still having a hard time with this so thanks for the WS perspective MissesJai. Sometimes I wonder if I should push him harder, be more angry instead of always staying in control. Maybe because he doesn't actually see it he's able to not think about it. Idk, I just feel so flat right now.