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naivewife posted 11/14/2013 21:34 PM

WH is a KISA and he recognizes this - but struggles with what is KISA vs. what is just being a helpful person. It played a big role in his A, and has brought him to the edge of an EA at least once. It IS his boundary issue. It occurred to me after attending a funeral for his grandmother this week, that his KISA-hood is completely fostered by his mother. In the 18 years I have been with WH, his mother has repeatedly been handing him email addresses and phone numbers of various friends, offspring of friends, distant relatives, co-workers, and relatives of co-workers of hers that he should "talk to" because they're "having a hard time" (WH has anxiety issues and apparently anytime she hears of someone being the least bit anxious or sad [which is everyone!] he's supposed to cure their ills with his magical words).
What I see happening is this dynamic -
MIL wants to impress friends and co-workers with her compassion and willingness to help by passing on personal info of said sufferer to WH.
WH takes on the role of KISA to save said sufferer.
Word gets to MIL that WH is so "wonderful and amazing" and she must be so proud, getting her ego stroked and loads of attention, not to mention WH's ego.
MIL then also praises and places WH on a pedestal for being such an amazing humanitarian knowing how to make all feel well and wonderful.
Once the attention and praise dies down she seeks out another one.
I mention this because at the funeral MIL already had one cousin hand picked for WH to save, but WH decided that particular cousin was basically "too far gone" and instead chose another, and they're already at their praise and ego stroke game with this latest, uh, victim?!

Anyway, what do you all think of this? Should I mention this as a concern? The KISA thing is something WH struggles with because he feels like he's just being a good person and this is "just who he is." And maybe heck, he is just a super duper guy and I should jump right on the bandwagon. It just seems so weird. I didn't think much of it early on, but now that I've been witnessing it for 18 years and with my once faithful husband now turned "WH" I feel like this should be examined more. Or no? Am I just too jaded in light of everything that has happened?

sinsof thefather posted 11/15/2013 03:21 AM

naivewife, You are no more jaded than any other BS who has been betrayed by her husband. This post may seem quite harsh - but you asked what people thought and here is my honest opinion - I don't know how to put it any way other than bluntly but please know that I'm not trying to hurt you, it's just my honest thoughts.

I think rather than you being jaded, it is instead that you are only now recognising this for the very serious problem in your husband that it still is and always has been. When you couple this post with some of your previous posts, most especially the one about your husband not knowing if he could stick with NC if the OW contacted him because of his feelings of 'responsibility' towards her, then I think you see how dangerous for your marriage this really is. There is a difference between being a good person and being one who is addicted to the feelgood factor of being a KISA which in my opinion your husband is. Especially a continually justifying KISA at that, who has already had a physical affair that included, upon discovery, putting his wife through a false R when he missed those feelings too much to let go of them. (Which by the way, he still hasn't if he tells you that he still feels 'responsible' for OW)

..and now he's back starting afresh to do it again with someone else, sharing again all that intimate and confidential talk between them about their inner troubles and feelings. Rather than seeing this for the huge problem that it really is and working to try to understand and change his need for it - he is actively trying to justify all of it away as it being.... 'Just who he is'

What I think is that a man 'Just like this' especially one who has already indulged in an affair, but wants to continue getting himself over involved with other people who have problems that need solving or feelings that need his validating, is a dangerous person for you to trust going forward. A man like this needs therapy himself and he shouldn't be someone trying to advise other people.

Who is this new person he's involved with and getting his feel good factor from now anyway? Is this another woman? Not that it makes that much difference if it's a man this time. Because eventually just by the law of averages it will come to be another woman and what then? If he doesn't start seeing his own weaknesses in this area, if he refuses to acknowledge the seriousness of it and worse if he continues to just justify everything he does with the words 'It's just who he is' then he will always be vulnerable to repeat his actions - with the past OW or a new one.

naivewife, without a doubt in my opinion this is an enormous cause for your concern. Without a doubt you do need to bring this out into the open preferably with a good counselor. I think this is so ingrained and so deeply seated because it's quite obvious by what you say about his mother that this is, again, without doubt, a foo issue and it does need to be addressed asap.

Sorry this is so harsh - but it's my honest thoughts.

silverhopes posted 11/15/2013 03:45 AM

This is a serious indicator of boundary issues, both on his part and on his mother's. It would be anyway, but especially this soon out from his A? And false R? And him feeling responsible for the OW still? Where is his support for your healing in all this? He doesn't need to go run out and put out others' fires. His focus needs to be at home, with YOU and with HIMSELF. Those are the two people he can work on being a KISA for - you and himself.

naivewife posted 11/15/2013 07:11 AM

On the contrary, I couldn't be happier with your "harshness" and honesty. I've always had a sense that MIL was his FOO issue #1 (and maybe only FOO issue but HUGE!). I just couldn't put my finger on exactly what was going on. The funeral this week really opened my eyes, not to anything new, but to the sort of pathological dysfunction that has caused so many of WH's issues, that I was never sure if it was a true problem, or my own lack of compassion. I've always felt like I've been trying to push WH away from his mother. Not that I actually want him to not have a relationship with her, or that I thought she was necessarily a horrible person, but their relationship has never been "right" somehow. Intrusive, overbearing, constantly seeking validation from one another, etc. The other thing that hit me smack in the face this week was WH's sudden jump to "mommy pleasing mode" for lack of a better term, when it came to planning the trip. I had to constantly advocate for our two little boys, advocate for reasonableness (I know that's not a real word!) in what we would and wouldn't do as far as driving here there and everywhere - seeing WH's anxiety go through the roof everytime I told him we would or could not do something his mother expected. So yeah, I'm really pleased to feel like I'm maybe on to something. I hope his IC will really jump on this.

naivewife posted 11/15/2013 07:29 AM

Oh and this new person, because you asked, is a male cousin. So I'm not concerned about infidelity in this case, but yes, of course, a female is bound to be part of this dynamic some time in the not too distant future.

sisoon posted 11/15/2013 12:23 PM

Not enough info to diagnose anything, and I'm not a pro anyway, but I think this is worth further attention.

It sounds a lot like Drama Triangle stuff with your H and MIL as Rescuers. If that's what's going on, they're being inauthentic, which is unhealthy, IMO.

myeverafter posted 11/15/2013 22:16 PM

I tried to google, but didn't find anything. What does kisa stand for?

grassisgreener posted 11/15/2013 23:11 PM

Knight in shining armor