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newlysingle posted 11/14/2013 22:39 PM

have you met someone and later discovered they were married, engaged, in a relationship, etc? I'm not ready to date yet, but am so worried about this. How bad is the OLD scene with these type of guys? I'm just so afraid of being the OW without even knowing it! Of course, I would walk away without a second thought, but it still scares me.

persevere posted 11/14/2013 23:15 PM

I think it's a common fear but I've been dating off and on for two years and, except for one brief odd OLD interaction, it hasn't been an issue.

[This message edited by persevere at 11:15 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]

better4me posted 11/14/2013 23:25 PM

Unfortunately it has happened to me, two times in the two plus years I've been OLD. Both times I found out before I met the guy, so I didn't meet the guy. And this is two times out of maybe 100 guys I've chatted to (I've chatted to many more people than I've actually met)...so less than 2%...is that percentage rate too scary??

I know that if I ever discover that someone I've met is still married, it wouldn't ever develop into a situation where I was knowingly the OW. That's different than my XWH's situation. His OW knew. If it happened to me unknowingly I'd feel terrible of course, but not guilty because it would have been without my knowledge, kwim? And I'd out the cheater to his wife too...

It is a risk, but I have found it to be a pretty small one...

phmh posted 11/15/2013 05:22 AM

I've been OLD off and on for over a year, have chatted with 70+ and met just under 30. As far as I know, this hasn't happened to me.

cmego posted 11/15/2013 07:41 AM

If I've agreed to meet someone, I have his name and I have Googled them. I've probably only agreed to meet 10 guys in the last year…none of them had a problem with it. I joke and say, "I just want to make sure you aren't a serial killer ".

I'm meeting a new guy this week, and his FaceBook page showed he was in a relationship. BUT, I could tell it looked like he isn't very active on FB, and they had broken up by the recent photos. So, instead of freaking out, I just sent him an email and asked. He said, "I have no idea how to remove that! I just started on FB not too long ago, and my side says I'm single!" He just hasn't figured out how to remove the post stating "in a relationship.

Oddly, this is how my ex was "outed". His long-term affair partner knew he was married with kids, but his last "fling" was told he was divorced with kids. That man became suspicious and Googled me, found my blog and emailed me.

Google them before you agree to meet them.

lieshurt posted 11/15/2013 08:13 AM

have you met someone and later discovered they were married, engaged, in a relationship, etc?

Yes, I have. We only dated for a month, but talked almost everyday. We met for dinner, lunch, happy hour, etc.... When I discovered he was married (always listen to your gut), I tracked his wife down and told her what he was doing. I also sent her a copy of all correspondence and his online dating profile.

StillLivin posted 11/15/2013 10:46 AM

It's been so long since I was in the dating scene. I don't think I'll be ready to date for a while. I'm pretty paranoid, so OLD will most likely not be my scene, but you are not alone.
I too worry about if I start dating if it will be a cheater that I attract.
I was military, and it happened a lot with the military guys. Many would be on unaccompanied tours. Since I had access to their personnel information, I could just find out for myself, but lots of the other girls got taken by the lieing married guys.
I would never be the OW intentionally. Sure wish I had a magic database to look men's marital status up. I really see it is a definite possibility that I will be celibate for a very long time.
And then, even if they aren't married, my cheater radar sure didn't work last time.

Amazonia posted 11/15/2013 15:16 PM

Nope. I've been divorced and dating for 2 years; had three relationships and been on dates with probably 20-30 guys in that time and none of them were doing anything but dating like normal people.

SBB posted 11/15/2013 17:58 PM

I'm not on OLD but I've met and been hit on by loads of men out and about in the last 18m.

I've dumped a glass of red wine over a married man's head.
Twice.

The first was during the first S - I was out and about having a great time and this guy chats me up. He was gorgeous - no mention of wife/kids. A while into the evening he puts his hand on my leg. I see the wedding ring. "You're married????", "Yes, is that a problem?". Wine dump # 1.

Wine dump # 2 was pretty much exactly the same except he said "Oh, yes - forgot to mention that".

What a waste of wine. I'd love to hear how they explained that to the wife.

Note to self - if husband comes back with red wine over his head dump his sorry arse.

Grace and Flowers posted 11/15/2013 23:22 PM

Happened to me - twice. Both times I Googled the guys, AND looked up their court records online (very easy in my state). But both guys had relatively common names, so there were many people with that name in the court system. (The court records would show a divorce, but not a marriage). I did everything I could ahead of time. The first guy I felt it in my gut the second I met him, and he fessed up in person. The second guy I did not guess. I dated him for a while. Had even been to his house...and there was absolutely no sign of a wife. I eventually found out, ripped him a new one, and outed him to his wife. She was not surprised.

I gave up OLD after I met another guy...liked him ok...we met for lunch or dinner several times. And then one day he turned into Scary Man...thank god, in public. Turns out he had so many DUI's he'd lost his license for 10 years, was driving an uninsured car registered in his dad's name, and furious at the world that this had happened to him. His temper snapped one day at lunch, and it all came out.

I did not feel "broken" when I was doing OLD, but I sure was attracting it, somehow. Never again. I was happy on my own when I tried OLD. In a really good place in life. I'm even happier now! I don't feel that I must be with anyone. I decided if I meet someone it will be the old fashioned way.

And it did. Sort of. High school sweetheart found me on the Internet. We live in different states, but we spend about 20 hours a week on the phone. We've had a weekend in my town, and I'm taking a trip to his soon. It's going GLORIOUSLY SLOWLY. It may not even develop into something long term. It's just fun, and right, and good.

So be careful. Listen to your gut, always. And be happy with yourself above all, because it you that will always be there for yourself.

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