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separation is killing me

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SusanR posted 11/14/2013 22:48 PM

I agreed to a legal separation if he would get counseling for sexual addiction. He is in counseling one night a week and goes to a male addicts' group once a week (at the sudggestion of his counselor).

I was afraid if I divorced him, he wouldn't get the help he needs. I don't think he really wanted to go but he says he likes it now. Especially the group.

I sure did myself a disservice though. I basically condemned myself to being alone. I can't be with him and I can't move on. I feel trapped and pissed off almost all the time.

My BMI is now 17 and my doctor says I am dangerously thin. I eat but I think I am burning a lot of calories with all this emotional turmoil going on. Lots of adrenalin. Fight or flight.

So many people don't get the legal separation thing at all and they suggest ways I could meet men. I don't want to meet men. I don't want to be alone. I can't spend time or talk with my husband. This is a horrible position I have put myself in!

Nature_Girl posted 11/14/2013 23:51 PM

Susan, are you in counseling, too? What are you doing for yourself. I know what it's like to be the wife of a sex addict, how your entire life becomes focused on him and his dysfunction, monitoring his progress or lack thereof, unable to move forward with your own life because you don't want to outpace your husband in recovery.

What are you doing for YOU? What are you doing to be kind to yourself?

numbandnauseous posted 11/15/2013 00:14 AM

Susan, HUGE hugs to you. I wanted to let you know that you have been heard.

Why can't you spend time or talk with your H?

I completely agree with NG; as an SA spouse, you need to focus on yourself. Ways you can do that are seeing a CSAT yourself, going to an SA women's group run by a CSAT, going to S-Anon or COSA group. Also, are you in IC?

And you aren't kidding that separation is killing you - I have seen others on your other threads express severe concern about your weight - I think you should seek out a specialized eating disorder center (I'm not saying that you have an eating disorder, just thinking that these folks might be in the best postion to help you - might know the best "tricks" for getting mega-calories into your body in the easiest way possible) so that you can gain some weight. You are doing serious damage to your body by being so thin.

But, I think therapy is the key for everything - it will help your mental and physcial state tremendously.

Be gentle with yourself, take good care, and keep posting - we are here for you.


Gemini71 posted 11/15/2013 22:40 PM

I second the S-Anon recommendation!!!! They have been a lifesaver for me. Spouses of SAs tend to be 'fixers', and we focus on taking care of others so much that we don't take care of ourselves. There is nothing quite like the company of people who have BTDT. It's like SI in real life.


solus sto posted 11/16/2013 19:22 PM

I think the weight loss is more than alarming. It's time for supplementation, whether you want to or not. has protein supplements that are very good. The PURE unflavored protein can be added to pretty much anything. The Inspire brand tastes far better than anything else on the market, and needs only 4 ounces of liquid. You can choke down 4 ounces of liquid.

In an earlier post you said you rejected your doctor and nutritionist's recommendation to supplement. You called supplements "crap." True, some are of lesser quality than others.

But that response makes me wonder whether there's more going on that burning lots of calories due to fight or flight.

You've lost and lost and lost. You reject supplementation when your health is clearly at stake.

What's really going on here? Is this about control, about food being one thing you COULD control---until you couldn't, anymore, because the loss has gotten out of hand?

Your husband is taking care of himself. Why are you not caring for yourself?

Separation is not killing you. YOU are killing you.

Please stop. Get help.

Millions of hugs to you.

ChoosingHope posted 11/16/2013 22:44 PM

What's really going on here? Is this about control, about food being one thing you COULD control---until you couldn't, anymore, because the loss has gotten out of hand?

Your husband is taking care of himself. Why are you not caring for yourself?

Separation is not killing you. YOU are killing you.

Please stop. Get help.

Susan, please read and re-read these words. I hope that you are getting lots of support in real life from your family, friends, and professionals. Please seek help from a psychiatrist or other MD who specializes in eating disorders.

sudra posted 11/17/2013 06:39 AM


You CAN change your mind. It's not up to you to see that he gets treatment. Even if you said you would do a legal separation instead of divorce, you CAN change you mind. You don't owe him you own peace of mind.

Do what you need. He would.

SusanR posted 11/19/2013 20:56 PM

I was going to IC and my counselor said she thought I was doing "good work" and I was "the strongest" person she had ever met. she deals quite a bit with people with overweight issues. I don't think she quite knows what to do with someone who is underweight.

I said it before and I'll say it again - I eat. I eat healthy food. I eat raw organic protein bars and I make protein smoothies in my Vitamix. I had a Chipotle burrito for lunch. I had a can of Chili (2 servings) for dinner last night. I had some turkey salad for lunch yesterday. I eat. I just don't apparently eat enough to overcome the number of calories I'm burning due to the constant feeling of stress.

I will take the advice I have read here and look for some healthy protein supplements. I will seek out a counselor that specializes in underweight issues. SA-anon is not for me. I am not religious at all and AA didn't help me overcome alcoholism. I found the strength to quit drinking and stay sober thru an online forum called "Women for Sobriety". It really helped me to form friendships with women that had similar issues. I discovered I liked and admired many of those women and that helped me to forgive myself and realize that I was worthy of respect from others. AA was more about beating yourself up for being "powerless". I am not "powerless".

Likewise, I have been hoping that I will find similar strength by connecting to folks on this site.

I admit that I was a "parenticized child" and I am a "fixer". I need to be more concerned with my health and less concerned with fixing my husband.

Since I quit drinking, I have been very mindful of what I put into my body. I see how that has a control element to it but it is important to me not to eat "crap" just as it might be important to others to guard their spirituality. I guard my body. The trick is finding a way to do that and still maintain a normal body weight under these circumstances.

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