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NoReGrets posted 11/14/2013 23:52 PM

Earlier this week, WSO and I had a long discussion about OW and A and all the consequences and all the other crap that comes along with it. These conversations are never pleasant, and we have had many of them, each usually lasting for at least a couple hours. By the end of these conversations, we're both drained.

This most recent one was very different. It almost seemed as if something in me clicked, and I suddenly felt this weight being lifted off my shoulders. For the first time in a very, very long time, I have this odd sense of relief -- almost as if I have come to peace with it all (well, a lot of it).

It's still fairly early in the R process, but I never got this feeling during the year of false R. Maybe it's because I knew there were still unanswered questions, and there was no true remorse. I also know that the roller-coaster is not yet over, but perhaps instead of getting hit by a tsunami each time, I will be dealing with waves.

It's amazing how much healing a truly remorseful WS that answers questions, doesn't TT, doesn't blameshift, and doesn't rugsweep can do. He doesn't get defensive, and he is making the effort to be a better person to me and overall. If the person I'm seeing is permanent, I like him even better than the person I knew before. Although I know that only time can prove that, and it has been a very short period of time so far. I also realize that I may never completely trust him, and definitely not with the blind faith I once did.

I'm so glad I'm in a different state of mind, but am I weird for healing this quick? I'm definitely not "over it" -- not even close, but I am puzzled by this paradigm shift. I now question and am wary of every feeling I have. Should I brace myself for another shi*tstorm?

I guess in the meantime, I am going to embrace this new sense of relief and happiness.

[This message edited by NoReGrets at 11:58 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]

plainpain posted 11/15/2013 01:52 AM

I feel the same way mostly, most days. I'm sure there is one heck of a sh*t storm coming still for me, but if it weren't for possible OC I think I might actually be almost happy and feel like maybe we were 'out of the woods'. I like my H a lot better as a person now, too. A LOT better. There is something so securing about finally getting the truth - when you KNOW in your gut that you have been given the truth, that you are not in love with a stranger or a sociopath, when you are not feeling crazy all the time. I think that for me, that's what it is. I feel safer, I feel more stable, because I know he's telling me the whole truth. It's very grounding for me emotionally, and I can actually figure out how I feel about everything.

Of course, that being said, tonight I am struggling with rage and revenge fantasies, so take that all for what it's worth.

KatieG posted 11/15/2013 02:01 AM

I think the difference is you can finally separate your feelings about R and the A from the awful sense that you are being lied to. When you have TT its a constant battle between wanting to move on and not being able to.

crossroads2010 posted 11/15/2013 04:43 AM

I think the difference is you can finally separate your feelings about R and the A from the awful sense that you are being lied to.

After 4 years, I am not to this point yet, but it is because we haven't had those honest discussions where he is listening & not defensive and I am not getting angry or walking on eggshells afraid that honesty will be too much for him.

It sounds like with the separation (in retrospect, I wish we had) and honest discussions, you both understand each other's positions and can move on. Please share anything you did with those of us who can't seem to move on.

I wouldn't really worry about the lack of complete trust...I have come to terms with the idea that you can love someone and be committed to a life with them without complete trust. That feeling that the other shoe will drop t any time kinds weighs on me though.

No, I don't think it is strange.

Nailinmyforehead posted 11/15/2013 05:15 AM

Oddly, I know this feeling and know where we were , what we were talking about when it happened. I too, have felt the weight being lifted. We were at the grocery store in July, strolling and shopping and talking about her A. For the first time, there was no defensiveness and she spoke rationally, and wasn't trying to carefully choose her words when she answered my questions. It almost felt to me as if she "respected" me and our M enough to not lie, deflect, or TT me. I felt really close to her after that. Fingers crossed, but she hasn't gone back to the way it was before this epiphany.

NoReGrets posted 11/15/2013 23:11 PM

It sounds like with the separation (in retrospect, I wish we had) and honest discussions, you both understand each other's positions and can move on. Please share anything you did with those of us who can't seem to move on.

I think in order for me to move on with him, I had already accepted that I was ready to move on without him. You hear that said a lot in the JFO side: The only way to save your relationship/marriage is to be ready to lose it. To me, that relationship was and is already lost.

If even just 2-3 months ago someone had said to me I would be talking to WSO, let alone considering R, I would have told them they were insane and laughed them off.

During the separation, I never initiated contact. He always did, and I ignored most of his attempts to get a hold of me. It was when I would have a weak moment that I would respond, and I would realize it was always a mistake immediately thereafter. The last time, he was different. Even with him being "different," R was still not yet on the table with me, and he knew it. He knew what it would take for me to even consider R, and to be honest, I thought he would just balk sooner rather than later. To my surprise, he has stood by and owned up to everything. He is finally sincere and remorseful (I think and hope). At least his actions are showing me as much so far.

If your WS is not doing what is necessary to help you, then you will likely be stuck and not be able to move on. I can move on with or without him, and he knows it. I was already moving on. Don't get me wrong...there is not a day that goes by where thoughts of the A and false R does not plague my thoughts, but I learn to deal with them better day by day. I start to recognize certain signs or triggers and start to deal with them before they become a full-blown anxiety attack.

For a long time, I would just think "OMG...I am hurting so much. I can't stop hurting." Those times still creep up, but rather than just thinking about my pain, I try to think about where it is I want to be, and how I will go about getting there. From thereon, I work on that. That's another part that sucks about the A. It was something that we, as BSes, had no control over. At least trying to find a solution to our current situation is something we can try to have control of in our lives.

At one point during this new attempt at R when I didn't feel as if WSO was doing enough, I told him to basically shit or get off the pot. I think my exact words were "You either put in the proper effort or don't bother at all. You don't get to eat your cake anymore. The bakery has shut down. If you're not going to put in the proper effort, get out of my way. I was doing fine without you in my life, and I don't need you now. If you're not going to be a positive part of my life, then I don't you to be a part of it at all."

I guess to make a long story short, if your WS cannot do what's necessary to help you, then maybe you're better off without him. I think I was better off without him during the separation. As other posters here have also mentioned, total honesty and true remorse go a long way.

crossroads2010, I hope I have been of some help, and I wish all of us here the best in this long and arduous path of R that we have decided to take.