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New here. H still in contact with OW

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Grandcanyon posted 11/15/2013 07:42 AM

In 2012, my H had an affair from may-oct. it started as an emotional affair and progressed to physical. We took a break from our marriage from sept-nov. I found out about the affair when she messaged me on Facebook dec 2012. This was with(and still is) a classmate of his (he's 32. Went back as a mature student)
It ended, we did marriage counselling, I became pregnant after three years of trying. I'm due tomorrow

My gut told me something was up, so I've been checking his phone. I discovered that he still emails with her. Mainly about school stuff. He deletes it, but I find some of them. Our counsellor asked him during our last marriage counselling session if he had contact with her and he said no.
This morning, I was up and he wasn't (it was about 430 am) and I just had to look. Sure enough, the lines of communication are open with her again and he has been sharing his feelings about the the upcoming birth of our child with her and how he feels about his mom not being here for it (she died two years ago). He mentions how he's excited to have someone to tell, her.
He has his aunts, uncles, cousins, friends etc. I know it's not the same but neither is his affair partner.
What do I do?
Do I confront him? If I do, how do I prevent this from him turning it around to me snooping?
Do I try to get him to own up to it?
I'm starting to feel contractions more strongly, so is this even the time to bring it up?
I'm shaking and really need help here.
Additional background: when it ended she went nuts. Driving by our house, calling, texting him, threatening suicide, claiming she was pregnant, she wasn't etc. I thought it was all cut off. I would see the texts from her and his responses (he offered them up). They stopped and I thought that was the end. They see each other now because they're in the same program at school.

simplydevastated posted 11/15/2013 07:58 AM

Since you're due and having contractions I would not bring any of this up. This is the time to focus on yourself and your baby.

In the meantime, I would continue to gather information. Print out the text conversations if you can or store them on your computer if you can. Gather enough evidence before you confront and then only confront with half. It'll be up to him to tell you the rest. This way you'll know if he's being honest with you. Also, don't tell him how you found out, so you'll be able to continue to check up to make sure his actions match his words.

You won't be able to prevent him from turning it around on you, if he does. Just don't buy into it. Don't believe him. Every marriage has issues that both parties have an equal share in. However, the affair is 100% on him. You didn't make him have an affair. You didn't hold a gun to his head and demand he start an EA/PA. That's all on him. If he was having an issue with your marriage it was his responsibility to come to YOU and talk to you about it. Not seek out someone else to confide in.

Be prepared that this is going be a long, emotional road and now that you're having a baby that can make it a bit harder (meaning that you'll have a new person to care for, emotions may run a bit higher, stress from lack of sleep etc...)

Please remember to take care of yourself. Try to get as much sleep as you can, especially when your baby is napping. You're going to need it.

Also, please keep posing, it helps.

Sending you strength and (((HUGS)))

Grandcanyon posted 11/15/2013 08:11 AM

The contractions have subsided so I don't think she's coming today.
I don't know if I can hold this in.
I don't know when I'll get access to his phone again and I was so shocked I didn't even think to get a picture of the messages. They were in his recycle bin so I think they might be gone.
Seeing her message saying how excited she is for us cause she knows what a process it was. And how touched she is that he is going to tell her about it makes me want to scream. I want to write her and tell her to stay the F away from him. My hormones and emotions are through the roof right now.

ILINIA posted 11/15/2013 08:14 AM

First and foremost, do you what you need to do for you and your baby. Do you have family that can be with you during this time? I think you have to follow your gut, if you want him with you, go for it. If you want him not present, then tell him.

I don't know if this your first child, but this is not going to be easy. You will want support before, during, and after the birth. You can decide if he is that support person.

As SD said, if you are feeling well enough, get your ducks on a row. I am so sorry that the day before your delivery you have to think about this instead of the joy of the upcoming arrival of your child.

Thinking of you.

Exit Wounds posted 11/15/2013 08:20 AM

I. Am. SO. Sorry!

I wish I would live close by, I would be by your side to hold your hand! -Noone should be at the brink of dilivery and have an a man do this behind her back!
I wish you the best, hang in there. Write us. We care and love you.

May God watch over you, your child and your marriage.

simplydevastated posted 11/15/2013 08:23 AM

My hormones and emotions are through the roof right now.

This is why I personally feel you need to focus on yourself and your baby.

When I found out about my husband it was June 12th 2008. I didn't tell him about it until August of 2008. In that time I spent my days trying to take care of two children (they were turning 5 and 2 of that year), going through every piece of paper, every inch of his computer, and every old cell phone I could find. I was also crying multiple times a day every day. I couldn't control it. But I didn't tell him anything. It got to the point that my children would run to him when he came home and say "mama was crying again today."

I know how hard it is. My line of thinking is that if you (or I) don't have enough "proof" they can always turn it around and say "You're crazy, you don't know what you're talking about. We're just friends." etc... I wasn't going to have that happen. So I wanted to cover myself, to prepare myself, and I needed that information. So I printed every single page of his profiles to all seven dating sites, I printed and forwarded every email, I saved every picture. Then when I confronted him, through sobbing tears I just said one word...Fling. He knew exactly what I was talking about and he said "we need to talk." He then dumped a whole bunch of lies on me but because I had my evidence (I only showed him a small portion) he couldn't lie anymore.

That was when I thought we were going to reconcile. Then, as my signature line says, I have a few more ddays and I know that he's been on his dating sites as recent as Aug of this year. I've stopped counting my ddays.

I hope for your sake and for your baby's sake that your husband pulls his head out of the sand and comes clean and does the hard work needed to reconcile. The only way it will work is if he sends her a NC (no contact) letter. That's just to start.

sailorgirl posted 11/15/2013 08:31 AM


First of all best wishes for the birth of your baby! How could your H be such an idiot!! ((Grandcanyon)). But, I'm glad you found us.

From the point of view of someone who's been on SI for 10 months, it is not surprising to find that your H is still in contact with OW.

They see each other now because they're in the same program at school.

They should not be in the same program at school. Your H should have transferred schools, chosen a different program, whatever it takes so that he does not see her any more.

He must establish firm and complete No Contact, and then act accordingly. He needs to tell her, "Our relationship is over for good. There will be no contact of any kind between us from now on." Then, he needs to block her from every avenue of communication. Get a new email, block her phone numbers. If he sees her in a public place, he ignores her completely. If she shows up at your house, he gets a restraining order.

Also, marriage counseling does not stop infidelity. Infidelity is the result of a broken person, not a broken marriage. Your H is broken. Something is wrong with him that he is dependent on this unstable, threatening woman. He needs individual counseling to figure out why he would allow a woman who has no respect for him, his marriage, his wife or herself into his life in any way.

I would not be able to set his lies and deception aside, and would consider banning him from the birth. Or, you could tell him that you don't want to see his face until he is willing to go totally NC with OW and start individual therapy.

You can't trust him right now. But you may be able to again someday if he owns his shit and fixes himself. Whether he does or doesn't, SI will support you.

My thoughts are with you and your beautiful baby.

[This message edited by sailorgirl at 8:34 AM, November 15th (Friday)]

ILINIA posted 11/15/2013 08:43 AM

A couple of other thoughts. I did text the OW the day I found out and asked her to keep their relationship professional, that we need this time to figure out how to proceed as a family. She obliged. Not sure that would happen in your case, with the history.

Now, I am only five months into this, so I am not the most sane, but I was trying to figure out what I would do in your shoes. Obviously, I would not want them contacting each other during this special time in your life. I think either before I was in labor or during labor. I would get/ask for his phone. I would keep it safe or give it to someone that I trust. My guess he would figure out why you want it. If he asks, I would calmly tell him that while I am having our baby, I need you focused on us and us only.

I just have this feeling, but I hope I am wrong, that she will be one of first people he will contact with the news of the birth. You don't need that. You don't deserve it.

Sending you strength and hugs!,

Eta. Just read the post above mine. It would be a huge wake up call if he wasn't allowed to be with you during the birth unless he cut off all contact. Something to think about, but I know time is running out. Be true to you!

[This message edited by ILINIA at 8:47 AM, November 15th (Friday)]

welcome14 posted 11/15/2013 09:41 AM

I wish you luck and strength in whatever you choose to do, but I would also think about not letting him be at the birth, particularly in light of the fact that he is using your baby to bond with his whore. His mom isn't there, so he's soooo excited to share the birth of your baby with her. That just reads all kinds of wrong, no way to dress it up better. I think you need peace and strength to bring this baby safely into the world, and if you are wondering if the first picture of your baby is going to be sent to her, I think that sort of worry would be too distracting. Prayers for a safe delivery and a healthy baby...

Grandcanyon posted 11/15/2013 09:53 AM

Ilinia. It is my first baby! Three years of trying, two with a fertility specialist and she came as a miracle. I do want him with me. Just last week in counselling I shared my fears of him leaving me and he was baffled and said that the thought doesn't cross his mind.
Based on the emails, honestly think he thinks he can carry on a normal friendship with this home wrecker.

Sd. That's what I'm hoping for. I'm hoping this is a mild relapse and him being an idiot, not the re kindling of an affair. I like the idea of a NC letter.

Sailor girl, we are in a smallish town and only have one college and its the only course he can' take to get the diploma needed for his job.
You're right, he is broken. He was raised by a single alcoholic mother, is a recovering alcoholic himself and has very low self esteem. I like the idea of giving him the choice between witnessing the birth of his daughter or continuing contact with her.

Iliana, I thought about contacting her, but I don't want to give her that much power. She actually had the nerve to say in her email that she was happy for us, knowing all the struggles we've been through trying to conceive.
The program that he's in requires them to open up about issues and struggles they've dealt with, so I don't know what she knows from that and what she knows from him sharing with her.

StillLivin posted 11/15/2013 10:06 AM

Hindsight is an amazing thing. Unfortunately we cannot buy it in a bottle.
I'm sorry you are going through this. We all are. No worse time than before giving birth when it should be about you, your husband, and your new child.
You cannot control another person. They are going to do what they want to do no matter how much we wish it not to be true.
You have choices. Will it be more damaging to have him with you at this time, or will it be more damaging for him not to be with you? Think long and hard about this one.
Personally, I would tell him to pack and leave and don't come back, but I've got hindsight and my husband isn't your husband.
If you do decide to confront him, he will definitely try and blameshift. Most do, including mine. I told my husband that after he stuck his you know what inside Shrek, that you are damn skippy I'm snooping and I will continue to snoop until you no longer give me a reason to snoop. Get over it and get to answering my questions or get the hell out.
I hope you have someone, preferrably family to be with you at this time.

silverhopes posted 11/15/2013 10:35 AM

Is it possible that your H could postpone taking the course? Get an incomplete and then try again next year when it comes around? If he can, would he really choose between having an incomplete on his record and continuing to cheat on his pregnant wife with his classmate OW? Because that's exactly what he's doing. There should be no choice; if he can drop the class and take it later, he *should* just to avoid being around the OW. She is NOT his friend. She is the woman he betrayed you with.

I definitely agree with the idea of making him choose between ending it with her or not being there to witness your baby's birth. Not only does it add incentive, but also he doesn't have the option of being there texting her with updates while YOU are in labor and needing support. What a sick thing for him to do.

I'd recommend calling your MC and letting her/him know that yes, he is still in contact with her, and that specifically he's talking to her about your pregnancy and arrival of your child. That he's using the excuse that since his mother is gone, he's choosing to talk to her, and that he is hiding contact from you. Hopefully the counselor will see some sense.

Does the OW have a boyfriend/fiance/husband? After you give birth (because you really don't need to deal with more right now), if the OW does have a partner, let him know. Two pairs of eyes, and plus it might be easier for the A to stop if she has consequences. Yes, the A is still going on. No NC = continued A.

I'm so sorry. (((GrandCanyon)))

[This message edited by silverhopes at 10:39 AM, November 15th (Friday)]

sailorgirl posted 11/15/2013 11:15 AM


My H is the son of two alcoholics and also had low self-worth. His OW had an intense fear of abandonment, would take whatever she could get from my H, and blackmailed him into continuing the affair by threatening to tell his boss or me. She threatened suicide to try to get him to break NC (he didn't, she is alive and well). H changed jobs, blocked everything (including former work colleagues they had in common, and her mother) and literally jumped in his car and drove away when he saw her coming. She gave up after three weeks.

I know my above message sounded harsh, but it came from my experience. My H's parents constantly violated his personal boundaries while he was growing up. When OW started getting inappropriate, it felt familiar to him and he didn't know how to put a stop to it. Your H will be vulnerable to his OW until he learns how to maintain boundaries, value his integrity, and take responsibility for himself. In the meantime, NC is the way to go.

The program that he's in requires them to open up about issues and struggles they've dealt with, so I don't know what she knows from that and what she knows from him sharing with her.

That's got to stop. People with poor boundaries and unhealthy coping skills (WS's and AP's) should not be sharing their personal lives with anyone but their therapist and their spouse!

Grandcanyon posted 11/15/2013 11:29 AM

Silverhopes. He dropped out last year so as not to be with her. Unfortunately, she failed the same courses and so is back again and at the same year/level. If he drops out, he loses both his jobs, and the tuition we've paid. This just isn't feasible for us.
You're right that the affair is going on currently, it's just not physical. To be honest, based on the emails, I don't think he views it in that light. Not that it makes it ok, it's still a betrayal because he is not telling me about it.

Sailor girl. I wish I could put a stop to it! That is the way the program has been for years. I even spoke to someone I know that did it a couple years ago and she said its crazy the things that are shared. And the worst of it is the program doesn't make the, do any kind of therapy to deal with the can of worms it opens.

silverhopes posted 11/15/2013 11:36 AM

He dropped out last year so as not to be with her. Unfortunately, she failed the same courses and so is back again and at the same year/level.

Oh man. She really is desperate, huh? I would sincerely doubt she failed because she legitimately did - she probably failed just to keep in contact with him, given all the other crazy behavior she did after the A "ended" the first time.

Maybe your H needs to watch "Fatal Attraction". How dare he invite this crazy into your life, especially when you are pregnant with his child. I am so angry for you. I cannot help but feel he is making YOU and your child vulnerable to this woman by continuing to share details with her.

Here's a thought... if this program makes him share all his personal struggles... What if he shared about the affair he had with her and the way it nearly destroyed his family and all the crazy shit she pulled after he "ended" it? That might embarrass her enough to make her drop out again. And it is a REAL struggle he's been dealing with. Much better than to continue to hand her tools that she can use to continue to invade your personal life. He needs to STOP giving her a lifeline into YOUR very private marriage!

FightingBack posted 11/15/2013 12:32 PM

Grandcanyon, I have sent you a private message.

simplydevastated posted 11/15/2013 12:35 PM

Sd. That's what I'm hoping for. I'm hoping this is a mild relapse and him being an idiot, not the re kindling of an affair. I like the idea of a NC letter.

So many people don't believe that an EA is a real thing. They think an affair is only physical which is a huge problem. Please be vigilant about their communication. He needs to understand that there are so many different types of infidelity. He should write the NC letter and then turn over all his passwords to every device and account that he has. His actions and words need to match.

Skan posted 11/15/2013 12:44 PM

Hello there. I'm so sorry that your WHs stupidity and treachery is impacting what should be the happiest time of your life. After all that you've gone through to have this baby, he acts in this fashion? It truly boggles the mind.

Can you please call your councilor and talk to him/her? Let them know what you've found out so that you have someone to talk to IRL? It's totally your decision as to if he's in the delivery room or not. You need to do what ever it is that makes you feel the best.

You do need to get a hold of his phone and get every message off of it that you can. It's up to you as to when you confront and how much info or proof that you need, but try to pick a time in the not too distant future. You don't want all of this hanging over you head while you're trying to settle in with a new baby. And frankly, you don't want this EA to continue to the point where it becomes a PA again. Which is where it's heading, no matter if he realizes it or not. You've already seen that the OW is a crazy, obsessed byotch. She's not chatting him up just because she likes the sound of his voice or the way he solves class problems. (((hugs)))

Ostrich80 posted 11/15/2013 13:06 PM

I don't think I have ever read a post that stirred up such an array of emotion in me. I'm so sorry your having to deal with this at what should be the happiest time of your life. I'm not sure my advice would be much good because I would want to grab him by the balls and get an inch from his face and say, you correspond with that woman one time during delivery, birth, or after and I will turn you from a rooster into a hen (dollyparton in 9 to 5 movie). I'm so angry and just heartsick for you.

Skan posted 11/15/2013 13:59 PM

I PM'ed you. If you look at the top of the page, you will see a line of words. Click on the one that says "private messages." That will take you to your PMs.

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