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Ashland13 posted 11/15/2013 07:58 AM

Since I was a young adult, I found myself setting aside a little time each day to check in with reality. During this time I would work on problems, but also spend time giving thanks for the good or positive things I still had/have.

I still do this, though have much less time for it.

The problems are the obvious things. Lately I ask myself other things, like why is it the problems are easier to focus on than the good, and so on?

So my post this time is to focus on the positive, the good, the light in life that remains among the wreckage of things that once were.

It is an apt day, DD's birthday, to do this, I think.

Out of the wreckage are things like strength I didn't know I had, respect coming from people who didn't really know me but knew me, and so on.

An important thing to note is a forging of both old and new relationships and support systems that did not exist when X was in the picture. Old friends are coming out of the wood work and admitting that they did not like him but were "happy for me". Some say there was something about him but they couldn't put a finger on it...the NPD? The Passive Aggression.

And now, finally...WHO THE F CARES? I am getting there.

Many people stepped aside for X and sometimes it blows my mind how differently I was treated as a married person than as a single one.

Do any of you notice this too?

This works in several ways ways-in some ways he was a buffer so that I had space, to make mistakes, to do things as I wished without advice I didn't always want.

Now that has changed and people give advice or info without asking and I just say thanks and filter it as needed.

I find that some people I am more accepting of advice than others. And those people I simply do the "smile and nod".

Other people spend time with us who did not before save, holidays or funerals and this I give thanks for.

So you see, it is very true that "doors will open that were shut before" or whatever the saying is. We have to allow it, to welcome it, to then embrace it and realize that there truly is a life after M but we have to see the forest through the trees.

And we have to allow ourselves to look through the midst of the pain and admit that good things still exist. In my wallowing time, this was very hard to do.

Eta that I wanted also to give thanks for the people who support and root for myself and children on this day especially. It does help take my mind off the pain and the A to do so.

Sorry for the long message...seems to be my way.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 8:03 AM, November 15th (Friday)]

MovingUpward posted 11/15/2013 08:09 AM

One cannot spend enough time being thankful for what they have in their life. I enjoyed reading your entire post and I am happy for you and your revelations.

Thefly559 posted 11/15/2013 15:42 PM

Another positive post by ash. Glad to see your strength and pride. Stay strong. Even on the tough weekends.

SBB posted 11/15/2013 17:48 PM

Love this. These little chinks of light will get bigger and bigger as time and healing goes on.

I alienated myself from my friends because I didn't want anyone to see what was happening to my M. They all told me they saw it, but didn't know what it was. They too have virtually all told me they didn't see what I saw in him but that I seemed happy so they let me be.

I didn't listen to the few who did tell me.

They've embraced me with open arms - for that I will be eternally grateful.

I am present in their lives and in my own. I cannot tell you how amazing that feels.

ChoosingHope posted 11/15/2013 22:09 PM

Thank you for this!

I carried around STBX's secrets for years before our ultimate separation. It was terrible. I could never relax and be fully present and honest around the people who loved me. I became a shadow of my former self - so cautious, scared. Terrified that people would find out, and that they would judge me and reject me for my husband's scandalous life choices.

I was also terrified by the shame and embarrassment and public failure of divorce. What would people think? How would I survive? I had two babies.

Well, now the worst has happened. And two years later, people know that STBX is a complete asshole (they don't know everything though). I'm getting a divorce. My marriage failed.

But I'm still standing. People have rallied around me even after they saw my vulnerabilities. I'm so thankful.

I'm exactly where I am supposed to be right now. I have to believe that. Where I'm going next is a mystery, but it's going to be better than what I've already endured, and for that I'M GRATEFUL.

THANK YOU Ashland!!!

Gr8Lady posted 11/16/2013 08:28 AM

I'm so proud of you.

as much as each of us endure during the journey, focus on just one positive thing you can be thankful for is magnificent shift in your journey. Soon the thing will multiply.

When I was at my lowest , the little dollar store book I jotted down my thanks sometimes had just one word. The sun, the rain. But it was a start there is ALWAYS something even if we start small. The goal is to start.

So proud of your attitude. Very proud.

sleepless34 posted 11/16/2013 13:19 PM

Great post Ash, you have been very inspiring to me! I have been trying to focus on the positive as well, trying to stay in the moment. Being thankful and confident that things will be better, I am strong and will get even stronger and I will be better off.

It was a good week. I spent less time thinking about "this" and only "this." I drank less wine, smoked less cigarettes, bitched about Mr. Integrity on the phone less. I started working out again, yoga, walking, making plans with people, and getting stuff done around the house.

I am thankful for our home, that I can maintain it EASILY and that while I used to ask my STBX 5x to have a simple flood light changed, it takes 2 seconds and I can easily do this stuff myself.

I got my kids a trampoline, at the suggestion of the therapist so they can "jump it off." and they are loving it. I paid a handyman to set it up. So much simplier than if my X was still here, bitching about doing it and making it a big deal.

I went to a financial planner. I send a resume for a flex time job, they called me back the next day! Probably won't be a good fit, but felt good to get a response.

I am thankful that I am starting to feel the first stirrings of APATHY vs RAGE. I feel even a tiny bit of pity, for someone so messed up and lost.

I am feeling a tiny bit better every day. I have a little bit more peace. I sleep better. And for all this, I am thankful.

gardens64 posted 11/16/2013 13:29 PM

What an inspiring post. I am trying to focus on the positive too. I got a journal and I try to jot down all the happy moments and good self care things I did that day. It helps to balance out the feeling that I just ran into the sliding glass door like one of those poor birds... this whole thing is so unbeliveable sometimes

Thefly559 posted 11/17/2013 07:20 AM


sunsetslost posted 11/18/2013 10:51 AM

Thanks Ash. I too spend time daily being thankful for not only those around me but for the internal strength I never thought I had. Every time I've searched for more I was certain I had drained the tank. But it is there. In all of us.

And as far as family and friends: I cry more now in thankfulness and gratitude than about the A and the upheaval it has caused. I'm humbled every day by the support I get. Co workers and acquaintances have become friends. Life long friends. All I had to do was reach out.

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