I'm reading posts on here and other resources to try to make sense of myself and my thoughts, but nothing helps me now. All I can do is think about how I wish it was simply a nightmare that I could wake up from.
I've let her have control of our M for so long I can't even gather the dignity to consider D. I can't imagine R but I can't imagine D. Both seem impossible.
Because I've devoted so much of myself to trying to make the M work, I have few friends of my own and none to discuss something like this with. I'm going to a therapist soon but I just can't see beyond today. Beyond the next 5 minutes, really. Anybody have advice to get through the first day/week?
[This message edited by Snapcap at 8:29 PM, November 17th (Sunday)]
I can't even gather the dignity to consider D. I can't imagine R but I can't imagine D. Both seem impossible
You just found out about all of this this week. This is still too new and too raw to make any kind of sound decision about D or R.
How is she as far as remorse and transparency? Have you thought about the 180? It can be found in the healing library. It can help. Admittedly, I suck at it, but others here have had great success.
Do you work outside the home? Do you have any interests that you can pursue? I know it'll be hard, but if you start to do things for yourself it will help your self-esteem.
Post often, it helps.
Sending you strength.
[This message edited by simplydevastated at 8:30 AM, November 15th (Friday)]
I also have isolated myself while trying to hold my M together, so being here and posting has been a great way for me to vent and get feedback and support without impacting my daily life before I am ready.
The only advice I've got is to take care of yourself. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. If you can only handle five minutes at a time, then do your best for the next five minutes and take care of what needs immediately taken care of. Table decisions you aren't ready for. Hang in there.
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.
Because I've devoted so much of myself to trying to make the M work, I have few friends of my own and none to discuss something like this with.
I also wanted to say that I can relate to this. I'm a SAHM desperately searching for work, I hardly ever leave the house. I have no friends with the exception of one from high school who I rarely see. The friends I do have I've made here and I'm thankful for their friendship. So I understand what you're feeling.
But I'm telling you that it can get better. It just takes time. The best thing you can do right now is try to take care of yourself. Take your kids out and do something fun.
Above all, take care of yourself. Read about the 180 and do it, even if you get signs of remorse. At this stage, it is as likely to be remorse at the ending of the affair as of damage to the marriage. Read the Healing Library. And hang on, you are among friends here.
It takes time to work though everything. Don't feel like you have to make a decision right now.
Anybody have advice to get through the first day/week?
2. Let yourself feel the emotions running wild. You'll cry, you'll rage, you'll swing between loving your wife and not. It's alright, these are normal and to be expected. Even us guys cry.
3. Make and discard plans. This one helped me a lot. The plans, honestly, sucked but the very act of making them helped me feel more in control of my life. They were all over the board from "How do I make sure I'm the primary caregiver for my kids" to "Things I'd like to say to the other man" to "Where would I move to if we divorced." (and by the time I'd gotten to that last one, my WW and I had already decided to make a go of reconciliation, it just happened because an apartment-and-studio combination I'd always joked about renting if I were a bachelor came back on the market.)
4. Journal. About everything. Maybe in separate books. I've seen advice here about documenting "the crazy" in your WS in case it's needed later for D proceedings. Me, I wrote a lot about my feelings and what I was going through. It helped me make some sense out of the chaos inside.
5. Drive, if you're the kind of guy who likes that. For me, once the initial post-D-Day crazies wore off in my brain, I rode my motorcycle a lot. The focus required to ride well, plus the physical sensation of riding really grounded me. Driving my car was similar, though not so immersive. If that's not for you, no biggie.
6. Talk to people. I posted here some, and talked to a counselor/therapist available through my work's Employee Assistance Program. That one helped, even if she didn't have any good concrete "let's save your marriage" advice for me, she did give me some things to think about to improve myself.
What everyone has said is right - don't worry about making a decision about your M right now. You need to focus on you. I know it is difficult, but just try to take care of your basic needs right now - sleep, eat (even just a little), even getting out for some fresh air. Spend time with your kids - they have an uncanny ability to make us laugh and take our minds of the stress for a bit.
Is your WW still at home with you? What has her reaction been since you confronted her with the additional information?
I am so sorry you are here. You might not have a bunch of friends in real life to share this with (neither did I), but please know that no one here will judge you. We understand your pain and can be a great support during this time.
Take some deep breaths (I swear it does help) and if you can only take life 5 minutes at a time right now, so be it.
Sending you peace and strength...
7. Drink replacement meals if you don't have the appetite or energy to eat. Also drink plenty of water.
8. If you aren't already getting a form of physical activity, get one. It will be good for your mind and body.
9. Go to your Dr. and tell him how you are feeling. If you can't sleep, ask for sleep meds. If anxiety or depression are getting in the way of your normal life, ask for antidepressants and antianxiety meds. You won't have to be on them forever, and they make a huge difference during the worst of times.
Above all, try to trust yourself and be your own best friend. Read her often, post often.
His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley
Love Busters by Willard Harley
(for husbands) Becoming the Ultimate Husband by Reb Bradley
Sorry you had to join this club, but at least you are not alone. Post often, it helps.