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Emptynester3 posted 11/15/2013 08:22 AM

Just after Dday, we went through the hysterical bonding thing.. Which was great..truly amazing sex. It was like we were just dating again. Well, that lasted about a month, then it tapered off. We were both very confused about it and I told him about hysterical bonding and wanting to reclaim your spouse.

Since lack of sex had been an issue in our marriage for awhile, even prior to his affair, I told him that I would never refuse him again. The problem now is that I always have to initiate it.I go to bed every night prepped and ready to have sex. I realize that I had turned him away many times during our marriage when I was having health and depression issues, but during his affair, last 3-4 years, we only had sex 2 or 3 items a year. So I haven't really had sex for like 7 years...that's a long time! But he's had exciting , secret, affair sex for the last 3-4 years. How can I ever compete with that?

So I did a little test last week and I didn't initiate sex to see if he would. The results...we went a week and a half with no sex. So last night I had a few glasses of wine and told him I wanted to have sex and afterwards he said "thank you"

He told me that during those affair years and before he really just wanted to be with me! So now I' m here and available to him and he doesn't really seem to want sex anymore. Is it because he feels guilty for what he's done or feels he doesn't deserve it or me? I would like him to initiate sometimes. I want to feel that he wants me now as much as he wanted OW! Is that too much to ask? Right after Dday he said he still had the sex drive of a 19 year old. What happened to that guy? Not so sexy when it's out in the open I guess! Any thoughts?

runningfrompain posted 11/15/2013 08:29 AM

I'm guessing it's a guilt thing & wanting to feel "wanted." I think my WH also sometimes gets thinking about OW which makes him distant as I'm sure he feels a combination of guilty & sad (missing her). I may be wrong but sometimes for men I think the A is about power & feeling attractive to women. They want him bad (puke). I wonder if he's hoping to get the same from you?

pointofnoreturn posted 11/15/2013 08:32 AM

From my perspective as a wayward, I feel awkward initiating sex. It could very well be he doesn't want to ask because he feels he doesn't deserve it and/or guilty for wanting it. Knowing that asking that question at the wrong time could send you to tears or make you lash out at him potentially could be off setting as well.

Is there any reason you didn't have sex much pre-A? This doesn't excuse the A, but it could be that your current problem is related to that as well.

bionicgal posted 11/15/2013 08:44 AM

Well, my feeling is that you guys need to work on him feeling like he can initiate. Our marriage was also kind of broken in the initiating department when my H had his affair. Ironically, I had to initiate all the time, but he was the one with the higher sex drive. That situation turns into a mess, so my advice would be to avoid doing it for too long.

I think the key is talking about it. I bet he feels tremendous guilt and shame, and doesn't feel like he can initiate. So, you have to let him know that it is ok, and encourage it. Also, just do lots of stuff that may or may not lead to sex -- cuddling, loving on, etc. I try to go to bed with no preconceived notions most of the time, and just love my husband.

Most of the time it turns out awesome , and I don't really ever know who is initiating.

heforgotme posted 11/15/2013 08:48 AM

Is it because he feels guilty for what he's done or feels he doesn't deserve it or me?

All very possible, not to mention that it may not have a totally positive correlation for him as it was the thing that he used to ruin his life.

But guess what. Too bad.

Make sure he knows how you feel. Because he needs to make sure he does what you need. Sex is obviously a big point of insecurity for us after what happened and he needs to do everything he can to alleviate that for you. And when I think about the mental gymnastics we go through to even be able to, it's hard to muster up any sort of sympathy for him.

heme posted 11/15/2013 08:52 AM

Before D Day my WH would never initiate.. Seriously, in 7+ years of marriage he never made the first move. After DDay I told him that it really upset and hurt me that he would never make the first move. Its improved a lot since then and coincidentally so has our sex life. Sometimes you just have to tell it plainly.

Emptynester3 posted 11/15/2013 09:10 AM

I think his self esteem is pretty low right now , as is mine. Doesn't everyone just want to feel wanted?

If you read my profile, I had many life altering events going on prior and during his affair, that left me physically and mentally drained. I think also that when our 2 sons left for college, I was at a loss and instead of coming together and focusing on each other again, we drifted apart ... emotionally. We were doing things together on the weekends, but we weren't connecting for some reason. My husband said I seemed resentful towards him prior to affair. I don't remember this. I just remember him working late( owns his own company and has always worked late), coming home and working out, then going to bed early. I would stay up and watch tv. Now we always go to bed at the same time.

2married2quit posted 11/15/2013 09:44 AM

Give him time. Don't punish yourself. R is a time to heal the marriage and see all those things that can be fixed now. A fresh new start.

1ost0ne posted 11/15/2013 10:13 AM

Fortunately for us, the HB is still going.

We are changing it up where for 1 month, one person "owns" the initiation and then it switches. Ironically, my WW, before the A, not the initiator. That's changed for the better. Hopefully, whenever the urge strikes going, it will ALWAYS be towards me.

tushnurse posted 11/15/2013 10:48 AM

Communication is key here.
You need to find a time, when it's not sexy fun time, and talk about this stuff. You need to be comfortable asking for it, and he needs to be comfortable asking for it. You both need to also be comfortable saying no if the mood is not right, and comfortable talking about the things you enjoy, and what gets your motor running.

If you don't talk about it, and just wait, it tends to never be talked about, and turns into a much bigger thing in your mind than it needs to be.

Be open and honest with each other, and find your way back to one another. That's the fun part of R.

TennisTC posted 11/15/2013 12:00 PM

After HB ended I was feeling the same way, like I was always the iniatiator. I talked with my H and let him know that when he initiatiated sex it made me feel desirable, attractive, sexy, etc. and that I would like for him to do it more often. It turns out that my H thought that he was doing what was best by providing physical affection and intimacy (cuddling, massages, kisses, etc.) without the expectation of sex, and then letting me take it to the next level if that was what I wanted. I hadn't let him know what my needs were, and when I did he was only too happy to oblige.

From your post it sounds like you and your H have had productive discussions about your sex life and what you both want. I would just talk to him directly. He said that he always wanted you, even during the A, so don't even think about competing with secret, affair sex. The sex between you and your H is based on love, and real-life emotions; it is more special than the affair sex could ever be.

sisoon posted 11/15/2013 12:08 PM

Throughout our M, my W rarely initiated sex, but part of that was because I ...ahem... rarely gave her a chance. After the A, I want the assurance that she wants sex with me, and I want her to treat me better than she treated ow, so if she wants to R, she had to prove it.

One of my requirements for R was that she has to initiate sex sometimes. It's worked for us, and it might work for you, too.

AML04 posted 11/15/2013 14:48 PM

One of our pre-A issues was lack of sex but he never told me he thought it was a big deal. I realized after the A I have a LOT of issues with sex and just didn't see it as important. I thought WH was ok with that. I think he pretended to be so he wouldn't upset me.

After the A I woke up sexually. Realized what I was missing was closeness and intimacy that would get me in the mood. Very soon after dday we started HB and it was awesome!! I was finally enjoying sex. I did notice I had to initiate though. What others here said does make sense, he was probably afraid to rush me.

Unfortunately HB has stopped. I'm finding it harder now to feel as close to him with all the pain/anger clogging my brain. I do wish he would initiate as I think it would help me feel better. I plan on discussing this and my sex issues in IC. I really hope we can fix this because right now I feel like 2nd best, or sometimes even worse.

betrayedme2 posted 11/15/2013 15:37 PM

Emptynester2, a lot of good replies here. Guilt, shame, ego...a lot of different possibilities and remedies. Like Tushnurse says, communication is key. Talk...

One other thing to consider is health. I know, when he was in A, the "excitement" or whatever it was may have helped him. I know I'm not 18 anymore more..What's the song. I'm not as good as I once was, but as good once as I ever was? sorry, I've been told I'm not funny! Anyway, if he says its nothing emotionally or feelings why, perhaps ask him to see a doctor? Even people who are physically fit sometimes loose drive or stamina.

My my WS and I, we got back into sex slowly. Pre dday, I was rebuffed so often, I stopped trying to initiate. It just wasn't going to happen, and when it did, it was mostly a physical act. 10 months later, she's initiating almost all the time, which is fantastic. I now need to learn to begin initiating. I appreciate your post! It's helping me gain perspective as well!!

Best wishes!

WhatsRight posted 11/15/2013 22:36 PM

There is absolutely ZERO sex for us, but back when the was at least a little sex, I seemed to want it more than him.

When I complained that he never initiated - he said that he didn't feel "welcomed" to initiate.

I'm not buying it.

Sammy2013 posted 11/15/2013 22:41 PM

I'm going to go with maybe he feels guilty and doesn't have a right to ask you for sex.

Before, and during, WH's affair we had an amazing sex life. Whenever he was home we were doing it, and it was nice (at least for me). But since DDay, he hasn't pushed it. Granted, he has been told not to, and if I do initiate but then can't do it he stops on a dime. But he has thanked me everytime we have been intimate since DDay. He feels guilty and says making love to me reminds him how he almost lost me because he's a dumb ass. I would prefer our lovemaking to be something a bit more positive, and I know it will come in time.

Again, I think it might be guilt on his part.

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