I'd like to play here with you. Mostly because like you, I hold on to a little scrap of hope in the back of my mind that R is possible. So, take what I have to say with a huge grain of salt.
R has to start somewhere. I'm sure that some exes come barging down the door, doing all the right things right off the bat. But I bet a lot are not like that, and it's not necessarily realistic to expect them to be. They haven't been reading SI on the daily for the past however-long like we have. They might not know what to do, and how to do it, exactly. They might be as confused as you are. It might be worth looking at, IF you're willing to hang with that. IF. HUGE IF. I realize that might just be sticking your heart in a blender and waiting to see what button they press. And that's a choice you have to make.
In this forum, you're going to get a certain answer to your question. I bet you'd get a different one in R. Could you post there? I know mods don't like a bunch of the same threads going at once (makes sense) but I'm wondering if you could dip a toe in there. I know, from my own (self-torturous) reading in R, that there are some pretty incredible stories of people pulling back together, and they don't always fit the perfect SI-R-recommended mold.
Ever the optimist, I guess. Keep us posted!!!