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Is it possible?

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Healing2012 posted 11/15/2013 10:10 AM

Is it possible that almost 2 years after D-day and an 18 month separation my WH wants to R? Little signs are there (believe me, I am not putting much stock into it). So far, I have chosen to take them at face value. I don't want to get sucked in and end up back at square one in my healing process.

I have never fully given up on the idea of R, but it has been moved to the very back of my mind. I have focused on my own healing instead, which is why I'm even asking this question. If he does want to R, what the heck do I even do after all this time? On one hand it seems like it would be easier than trying right after D-day since so much time has passed and I am much stronger than I was back then - tow the line or you're gone. But then I think about putting myself out there, risking being hurt again...and I don't know if I could handle this again. Am I past the point of no return?

Has anyone ever been in this situation before? You would love to truly R, but don't want to damage all the work you've done healing yourself?

lieshurt posted 11/15/2013 10:12 AM

What actions has he taken to prove to you that he's serious about R? What has he done to address his issues? Words mean nothing.

Healing2012 posted 11/15/2013 10:30 AM

Talking about the A like a real adult - without getting defensive or running away from it (which is what he usually did). Looking me in the eye and apologizing for the decisions he made (instead of telling me it was because I ignored him during our M). Discussing how he really feels (gasp!) and that he is truly scared that he f'ed up beyond repair. Admitting he needs IC - granted he hasn't gone, but a year ago he wouldn't even admit he should go. "All they're going to do is rub salt in my wounds."

He has also apologized for the consequences that his A has had on me - the lingering mistrust, pain, and fear.

Healing2012 posted 11/15/2013 10:59 AM

Just want to add that I don't think he's "serious" about R only because it hasn't really been a discussion. I've just been noticing some small things over the past month or so. Things that I wished I had seen 18 months ago, but never did.

Dreamboat posted 11/15/2013 11:03 AM

What has happened in his life recently that you think has caused him to "get it"? I ask because sometimes something will happen in the WS life that cause them to feel the consequences of their actions and only then do they feel regret. And note that regret is very different than remorse but they look and feel similar especially to a BS that wants the WS to feel remorse.

Proceed with caution. Watch his words and actions very carefully for any sense of continued selfishness or entitlement.

This happened to me, but after a couple of weeks of speaking with X I realized that he felt bad because HIS life had come crashing down and he actually wanted me to save him! No thanks, BTDT, got the scars to prove it.

Good luck!

Artemisia posted 11/15/2013 13:26 PM


I'd like to play here with you. Mostly because like you, I hold on to a little scrap of hope in the back of my mind that R is possible. So, take what I have to say with a huge grain of salt.

R has to start somewhere. I'm sure that some exes come barging down the door, doing all the right things right off the bat. But I bet a lot are not like that, and it's not necessarily realistic to expect them to be. They haven't been reading SI on the daily for the past however-long like we have. They might not know what to do, and how to do it, exactly. They might be as confused as you are. It might be worth looking at, IF you're willing to hang with that. IF. HUGE IF. I realize that might just be sticking your heart in a blender and waiting to see what button they press. And that's a choice you have to make.

In this forum, you're going to get a certain answer to your question. I bet you'd get a different one in R. Could you post there? I know mods don't like a bunch of the same threads going at once (makes sense) but I'm wondering if you could dip a toe in there. I know, from my own (self-torturous) reading in R, that there are some pretty incredible stories of people pulling back together, and they don't always fit the perfect SI-R-recommended mold.

Ever the optimist, I guess. Keep us posted!!!

movingforward777 posted 11/15/2013 13:38 PM

I think the question here is "What has happened in your life that has caused him to sit up and take notice?"
Have you started to date, or go out and enjoy yourself? Have you been successful at work and had some attention there? Have you changed your looks, lost weight, dressed differently, taken good care of yourself?
Perhaps he is realizing what he's missing out on???
18 months is a good amount of time for you to get your life back on track and move forward without him....perhaps he's just noticed that you have done that and is having "buyer's remorse"?? Has he just ended a relationship with someone he has been seeing? Has the "bloom gone off the rose" with someone he was involved with?
Sorry to be a skeptic, but don't buy into the "look I've changed" crap, no matter how subtle he is about it....it's time for the rubber to meet the road when it comes to him and he needs to show you first hand what he is all about NOW before you should even consider giving him another chance....Wait for the proof positive...and that is action, not just words....
HUGS

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