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Seeing the Other Couple

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help2change posted 11/15/2013 11:03 AM

OK here is the quick version.

DD 01/20/2013.

My BS was a victim of a Double Betrayal. The OW was her Best Friend, who was also married. We were very good friends with the other couple for 4 or 5 years.

Affair started 09/2012 - 01/2013. Since then No contact.

Currently working towards R with my BS with our first child on the way.

While my wife and OW were rooming in College they we met another couple and both became good friends with them as well. We have explained our situation to the "co-friends" of ours however they still invite both couples involved in the A to events that they have.

We have both RSVP'd yes for the Christening of the "co-friends" first born.

Now here is the question... how do we handle seeing the other couple at the "co-friends" event? Do you do your best to ignore? How does anyone deal with seeing the other couple in similar situations?

Any thoughts or suggestions would be much appreciated!

Also, this is one of my first posts and I just want to say thank you too all of the people who post on here. It's been very helpful throughout this difficult process.

Aubrie posted 11/15/2013 11:06 AM

How does your wife feel about being at the event and seeing the AP?

help2change posted 11/15/2013 11:18 AM


We've been talking about it.

Her mood depends on the hour. She has been on a roller coaster of emotions this week and I understand.

She is anxious, she has been fabricating scenarios in her mind.

The best way to describe it is this, After the A my wife has a fear of rejection. She has always had it but after the A it has been amplified. She envisions that this "co couple" is somehow going to choose the other couple over her/us.

I'm not sure if that answers your question.

Aubrie posted 11/15/2013 11:26 AM

So be flexible. Don't set anything in stone. Let her lead.

When it comes down to the event, she may be a puddle in the floor. If that's the case, pick her up, cuddle her, and take her somewhere where just the two of you can connect and de-stress. Go get coffee and dessert at a local shop. Go pick out Christmas tree ornaments. Just be together.

If the event rolls around and she's feeling strong, she may want to go as a big F-U to the AP. If that's the case, stay with her at all times, hold her hand, check on her often, and stay on the other side of the room from the AP. It may help to go outside a couple times with your wife just to allow a few moments of breathing room.

QS and I don't have the concern with seeing my APs, however, there are still triggery times/events that we have to go thru. I stay flexible for him. Depends on his mood. We adjust our plans accordingly.

help2change posted 11/15/2013 11:30 AM

Thanks Aubrie!

I appreciate any and all advice!

Trying33 posted 11/15/2013 11:40 AM

I wonder if she want's to go to prove a point to the AP that she's fine? Perhaps to show your togetherness? Maybe to make the co-friends feel happy that she attended?

Check to see her reasons for going and do a cost benefit analysis. If the anxiety she's going through is not worth it, just don't go. Maybe she's not ready to face her xbff and your xAP yet. Too many emotions.

Will this be the first time you and your BS are seeing xAP since NC? How do you feel about it?

help2change posted 11/15/2013 11:54 AM


Due to the age we live in it's impossible to completely remove people from our lives without drastic changes. Thanks to Social Media like Facebook we can tell when the other couple are hanging out with our co-friends. We both have them blocked but pictures from our co-friends pop up once and a while with the other couple or AP in them.

My wife and I still enjoy hanging out with our co-friends however several events in the past have happened that makes it seem like the other couple is immediately RSVP'ing to events hosted by the co-friends.

She gets the feeling like the other couple are trying to "Claim them as their friends."

This may or may not be the case, I don't know because I don't know what the AP's BH is thinking.

How do I feel about it. I'm nervous, I am going to be strong for my BS though. I will be with my BS the entire time to help her through. I'm just doing my best not to over analyze the situation and I will just read and react when I get there.

I also told my wife that if I felt uncomfortable at all for any reason I would let her know and we would leave. She agreed.

So to recap, my wife feels like she is in a competition with AP and AP's BS to keep our Co-friends. I'm nervous because AP represents to me everything I hate about my past self, I'm hoping it's not to bad but we are a team and we will support one another.

Alyssamd24 posted 11/15/2013 16:09 PM

If it were me I wouldn't go to the event...not only because it would make my BH uncomfortable and unhappy, but I wouldn't be able to handle it myself.
There is no way I could be in the same room as my xAP and his BW.....I work in the same city they live in and always fear that I may run into them. Although I have come out of my fog and realize now what huge mistakes I made, I am not ready to have to see my xAP....and I especially can't face his BW.

The opinion of your BW is a huge factor, but you also need to think of yourself and how you will feel being in the same room as them.

JustDesserts posted 11/16/2013 05:24 AM

Send a nice gift. Then have a dinner and movie date night...alone.

I'd suggest a big step back from the mutual friend couple. If they know, and still invited both couples, then they have no clue as to the compromising positions they expose TWO marriages to.

Is your wife in IC? Just curious.

Unagie posted 11/16/2013 06:02 AM

Due to the age we live in it's impossible to completely remove people from our lives without drastic changes.

Then make drastic changes. I have 0 contact with OM and have no clue what he does. Guess what I have 0 social media accounts, blocked numbers and cut people out of my life. The fact that your co friends invite both of you to events is disrespectful to your BW and the BH. Is it fair to have them choose? No, but its another consequence of your actions. You cannot control what others do but you can control how you react and what you do. Support your BW but the 2 of you may want to examine if these cofriends are friends of the marriage, in the long run her healing is what is important. It sounds like the "competition" of who is better friends seems to have way too much importance.

Trying33 posted 11/16/2013 08:46 AM

I agree with everyone. If it were me I wouldn't go. The co-friends will just have to understand.

And so what if they claim these people as "their" friends. At least you have each other and can start establishing new friends of the marriage.

I was thinking, if I was having a dinner party, and I knew that there could possibly be tension between two couples due to infidelity, I personally would formally invite both couples, but as soon as one couple rsvp'd, I would phone the other couple, out of decency and let them know and tell them there would be no hard feelings if they chose not to attend. There's no reason why these co-friends can't still be a part of your and you BW's life, maybe just on a double date basis, or quieter social gatherings.

Guess what I'm saying is, the pain and anxiety both of you will go through at this christening is not worth it IMO.

sinsof thefather posted 11/16/2013 09:07 AM

Due to the age we live in it's impossible to completely remove people from our lives without drastic changes.

Then make drastic changes

This ^^

In my opinion this is a totally unhealthy dynamic you have going on here with the mutual friends. The choices you and the OW made have placed those mutual friends, your wife and the BH in a situation that is untenable in the long term and one that I believe will eventually lead to the end of one of the friendships anyway. You have no control over who the mutual friends would choose and that is just another consequence of your affair that you are going to have to face. Personally, to ease the stress on your wife I'd just try to remove yourselves from the situation altogether and find a new group of friends.

I wouldn't go to the christening either as there's too much potential for more hurt all the way round there, but if you do go, without a doubt you must ignore the other couple and just hope that they respect the fact that they are at a baby's christening and ignore you too. Support your wife fully, be there at her side at all times, hold her hand and show her she has your love and support.

help2change posted 11/17/2013 08:09 AM

Thanks everyone for the reply's. Here is a brief summary of everything and the questions you have asked.

JustDesserts - No my wife is not in IC, I am and we did some MC in the beginning. I've suggested it too her on several occasions but she doesn't want to and I don't want to press her too hard.

I know in the back of my head that we will grow apart from the co friends of ours. I'm willing to let them go and I told my wife that that is what I think will happen eventually.

We have a little one on the way and we have already started building new friendships and nurturing old ones. We are doing our best to remove these people from our lives. While we may not be going to the extreme of removing all of our social media outlets I have done my best to be transparent in every aspect of my life. I have blocked removed and rarely use SM anyway, for my wife it is a different story. She seems to be less affected by seeing things on SM as time has progressed.

Finally these mutual friends of ours are not "very close". We would usually only see them 3 to 4 times out of the year prior to the A. So I'm fine with us steering our friendships in another direction. I't sucks to loose friends like this but I will take full responsibility for what has happened.

Again, thanks everyone for your reply's I do appreciate them :)

I will post and let everyone know how things went we're leaving in 5!

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