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He's back, but is it worth it once you're guarded?

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stupidstupidme posted 11/15/2013 11:59 AM

I know several of you have had "poofers", that come back. Cat's GDM is the first one that comes to mind, and look how great that turned out

So... the guy I went out with has come back around. For about a week or so. I haven't seen him, but might tonight. I'm still not sure. I've been honest with him that I'm guarded, because of my past experience (which of course I didn't elaborate on), and his actions (or lack thereof). He says he understands, is sorry, and promises he will show me that he's not an asshole.

First things first. His excuse for that week was that he got crazy busy at work. The winterizing of the marina, and boats, etc... He also has his own business on the side.

I explained to him how communicating is important to me, and how I can easily jump to conclusions (prob not a good thing, but can't help it) with quiet and poofing. So far he's been good... attentive, responsive, initiating communication every day, etc... and there have been times where he has disappeared, and I've jumped into "uh huh... he's out with someone else" crap (DAMN BAGGAGE), and he later takes the time to explain that... for example... "left work at 7:30, phone died, changed clothes and plugged phone in, went out to shop and worked on a customer's bike for a couple hours, and replied as soon as I saw your message".

I haven't gone overboard, accusing him of anything, or saying anything mean or rude, just that night after a couple hours, I did mention that for several days he had been unavailable at night and it bothered me.

Before anyone asks about the texting, I will share something - he has a stutter. The friend that introduced us said it was much worse when he was younger, but it is still there. I definitely noticed it when we went out. He was fine, and seemed comfortable, and the conversation flowed, but I did make a joke that he could CALL me, and not text... and he said he felt better texting and in person. I think it is because of the stutter.

Should I give it another chance?? I'm still not very invested. I think I'd like to see him again tonight, but at this point in my life I'm perfectly content, and if I don't... that's fine too... lol. I think it's this peri menopause crap. My dating/sex/man "drive" is about nil

She11ybeanz posted 11/15/2013 13:28 PM

I just wonder if he is back because his "Plan A" didn't work out and he figured he could come back to you "His backup plan" cause you were pretty cool when ya'll went out. His excuse is poor to me. No one is THAT busy! I had a medical doctor poofer....and he texted me all day during the day at work before we met and he poofed on me; so I know if HE could make the time....this dude could find a second out of his day to say "Hi!" to you!

Just IMHO.... tread carefully! He might poof again and then you will be kicking yourself for giving him a 2nd chance...

Remember the old saying...."Hurt me once...shame on you....hurt me twice...shame on me!"

Good luck!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 1:29 PM, November 15th (Friday)]

Catwoman posted 11/15/2013 15:46 PM

SSM--GDM was never a poofer. Ever.

I think it is reasonable to want to be among the priorities in a person's life. That being said, if someone is normally attentive and considerate and takes time out to connect, the occasional aberration doesn't bother me. GDM has left his phone at work, fallen asleep, etc. sometimes. And it is okay.

I refuse to be driven by my fears. I adopted the attitude that I was okay before the relationship came about and I will be okay if it ends. I don't think you can just be a little bit invested in a real relationship. Sure, being cautious is prudent at the beginning. But you can't be trying to peer around corners forever.


phmh posted 11/15/2013 16:24 PM

How did the relationship end the first time?

Things were normal and then he just ignored messages for a bit? Or did he tell you that he needed some time?

stupidstupidme posted 11/18/2013 14:59 PM

Sorry Cat... I could have sworn that at some point very early on, GDM poofed for a short while, then came around and all has been good since. I might be thinking of someone else.

There was no "relationship". It has been one date. Talking... texting... then one date, then poof - gone for like a week. Very little to no contact. After several attempts, I quit contacting too.

Now he's back. I didn't see him Friday night, but he did keep in contact with me. I knew he had to deliver a bike a couple hours from here, and depending on the time he got back, we were supposed to do something. It ended up being too late.

We are still talking. I haven't seen him again... but probably will. I guess I'm enjoying it, but that's about it for now.

Catwoman posted 11/18/2013 21:29 PM

I wouldn't consider a week after one date to be a poof. And in your words, it wasn't a total vapor act.

People get busy. Lord, don't anyone e expect anything out of me the month of December--I am one of the busiest sopranos in the area. There were some months I would do 6-8 concerts (plus all attendant rehearsals and such) in the three weeks leading up to Christmas.

If this bothers you, I would cut out if it happens again. But if he truly got into a slammed period of time, you might want to give him an opportunity to show you whether or not this is his typical pattern.

But going deeper . . . Why do you feel you have to have your guard up? I got the impression that this was a budding relationship of several weeks/months vs. one date and one week where communication wasn't as frequent.

Things to consider.


better4me posted 11/19/2013 12:38 PM

I guess I'm enjoying it,
I think that is enough reason to continue with the possibility of seeing "where" this goes if "anywhere". When you start to not enjoy it anymore...then you can say good bye. Invested or not, you will know when it is time to go.

Sounds like he heard what you needed from him (more frequent communication) and stepped up his game. That's what counts now...

And about being guarded, hell we are all guarded. We just can use our judgment about how "much" of guarding our hearts works best in our own lives, and how much guarding is too much! My lesson in letting this stuff go, and trusting someone is knowing I will be okay even when/if I get hurt again! I trust my resiliency! I trust ME!

She11ybeanz posted 11/19/2013 13:07 PM

And about being guarded, hell we are all guarded. We just can use our judgment about how "much" of guarding our hearts works best in our own lives, and how much guarding is too much! My lesson in letting this stuff go, and trusting someone is knowing I will be okay even when/if I get hurt again! I trust my resiliency! I trust ME!

This is probably why I'm still single. Not necessarily because I couldn't date or have had the opportunities to do so...but because #1 I don't feel I'm in a good place in my life to date. (meaning too many irons in the fire to deal with including raising a toddler solo and financial hurdles of which I wouldn't want to involve an outside party to) #2 I haven't found anyone that would be a healthy match for my daughter and I and I have been extremely picky in this arena....and rightly so! #3 I kinda like being on my own.....and figuring my life out. Its been nice to not have anyone else to worry about but my little Piper boo.... she is my world and my priorities have just shifted... and dating has taken a backseat!

I think its great that he has not truly poofed on you....and maybe he had a reality check within himself realizing that if he wanted to have a shot with an amazing woman (such as yourself) he had better step up his game and show you! Actions definitely speak louder than words! Listen to what he does.....not what he says....follow your heart...but also your head! Your 6th sense is never wrong! If it feels not right.....then it probably isn't! But, if you are having fun and enjoying his company, then I say go for it!

birdy posted 11/20/2013 00:55 AM

My opinion - hell no! He doesn't deserve a chance.

stupidstupidme posted 11/20/2013 13:56 PM

Well one issue is I'm not sure I trust me. My picker, my timing, my enthusiasm, etc... which is why I have stayed away from dating too.

BUT... we did see each other again last night. It was nice. Only for a couple hours, so nothing major, which is good.

This morning I got a good morning text, and a funny picture with it. It was him standing on the bow of a boat, doing the Titanic "I'm the king of the world" pose. Made me LOL

I have Bunt the next two days, then he goes to his dad's for five. He has asked my schedule, and I told him... so we'll see if he wants to see me this weekend or not.

Either way is ok with me. Again, I enjoyed seeing him, but I'm not all googly eyed and I have plenty of other great things going on in my life these days.

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