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eachdayisvictory posted 11/15/2013 17:25 PM

Just wondering if anyone who feels comfortable would be willing to share their questions, you know, the hard ones, that they asked for truth about. I am in the middle of composing an extensive list for my H and want to see what others have asked. thanks

La Traviata posted 11/16/2013 05:45 AM

I asked for a detailed timeline of when he did what with whom, including alcohol and drug use. I asked him to leave out only the details of what he did in bed with the OW, or any associations with books, movies, music or places that I might encounter in order to avoid creating triggers. I didn't ask him any "how did you feel when..." questions or anything about the OW, I just got the facts and went from there.

Marathonwaseasy posted 11/17/2013 01:50 AM

I showed mine Joseph's letter from the healing library and then got my true time line
Nothing I didn't really know tbh but it was confirmed
TT sucks
I'm lucky it was so brief :(
If anything about all this can be "lucky"

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 11/17/2013 06:00 AM

Ours wasn't so organized.
I asked for a timeline In the beginning- not written just tell me how it happened.
He did. Somewhat. But I always knew there was more. I tried to believe him and be okay with vague answers - Fill in the gaps and telling myself that I didn't want to know it all..
Then, I discovered he had been lying in the first month of R and was still in contact- after NC was established. He broke contact on his own 3 months ago, but never told me he ha broken it.
In an attempt to help him with his timeline, I checked our phone records. And I went insane.
It started earlier than e had said, and went longer (past d day) than I had believed. And the immense number if contacts between them durin the A , essentially caused a complete breakdown for me.
I confronted him with hard proof ( the phone records) and told him that he had been dishonest with me te entire time- Fallse R.
I told him I had a right to know EVERYHING so that he would no longer have any secrets with her.
If he could not give me honest answers- not the smoke and mirror bullshit I had been getting ( didn't really like her, sex was bad, etc etc) I needed to let go an heal on my own.
Since that night, we have been working trough his story minute by minute. Literally. I ask him about what he was thinking when he took off his ring and left it in the truck, what she said when she answered the door, how did you kiss, were you on the couch, hands over the clothes or under... Every minute.
We are about 4 weeks in to the 2 and a half month affair. We took a break because we were both exhausted. But he has told me the smallest details. So hard to hear, but in a weird way, helping.
I was really focused on the EA side of it, maybe more so than the PA- although I have gotten just about every detail of that as well.
I told him to start the first time he saw her and walk me through everything. I have also made sure that EVERYTIME he says "and then I left her house" I say " and came home and made love to me." So that he realizes just how awful what he did was.
He is doing so well- and it is really hittin home with him. I think him seeing and saying EXACTLY what he did is making him realize how huge this is. It is over three moths of countless decisions each day to betray me. And I am making him acknowledge each one. I am listening calmly and trying not to snap while e shares. I want him to be comfortable (ha ha) so that he shares more.
I also stop every now and again and tell him that I know ts hard but that it means so much to me.
Mine was still in the fog much longer than I realized. He is coming out of it now.
Everyone's situation is differentt. For me, I let him tell his story and ask questions as they come into my head. If it leads us on an unproductive tangent and stops the story, I may decide to table the question for another time.
This is such a hard time for you an I am so sorry. There is no right way- except understanding that you have the right to know if you want to.
This was your time an your life that your WS Made decisions about without asking you. You deserve to know everything.

I wish you nothing but peace and I hope it comes for you very soon. Hugs to you.

struggling16 posted 11/17/2013 08:13 AM

This is so difficult because one question and answer opens up innumerable subsequent questions. In my case my WH was very cooperative. I think he needed to spill his guts so we had long conversations. I tried very hard to sit in silence as he spoke because he volunteered additional useful information to fill the silence.

After the initial questions were answered, I found that asking the open-ended question, "Tell me something you haven't told me before about the A" was effective. It was fascinating to hear the things that were on his mind.

After Dday, I was too traumatized to ask for a timeline but I did create my own with a calendar, credit card receipts, phone info, etc. This spurred more questions.