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need some perspective

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gardenparty posted 11/15/2013 18:20 PM

This will require a bit of background but I will try to keep it short. SO has a much younger brother who is the baby of the family. SO's parents are very, very, wealthy so younger brother is quite spoiled (they became wealthy after my SO was already grown). This brother has a girlfriend who I just cannot seem to like. For 3 1/2 years I have tried but it is just not working. Last night SO's mother was over and laid this huge guilt trip on us about this. I am a little choked actually that she is putting the onus on us to fix things. She went on about how her baby works so hard, gets up every day....duh so does every other adult without the benefit of living at home and being pampered every night. I am trying to keep my cool about it but I am pissed. How far do you go to keep the peace in a family? For the past few months we have basically been following the path that if we don't socialize with the girlfriend then things are good. Not sure now if this is the right way to go about things.

phmh posted 11/15/2013 18:47 PM

Based on wisdom I have gained from my past life, I would recommend sucking it up and being nice to her.

However, I know how hard that can be. I hate my brother's boyfriend. With a passion. I try so hard to be nice to him, but he can tell that I don't like him and actually asked my mom if she knew why.

Is she asking you to do things with brother's GF or just be nice to her when you're at family events? Alcohol may be your friend

gardenparty posted 11/16/2013 20:54 PM

phmh, thanks, I would need a 45 gallon drum of booze to get through most evenings with her. I don't hate the girl but I am just too old to want to spend time with people that I really don't like. Bad enough working 50 hours a

His mother would like us to include her when the other brother and girlfriend come over for dinner. She hasn't been to our house for almost a year, not because she wasn't invited but because she choose not to come.

Sad in AZ posted 11/17/2013 08:10 AM

OK; not enough or conflicting info here to make an assessment.

First of all, forget about how spoiled the younger brother is--that's not your business. I know it's hard, but like phmh, I've been around long enough to have some perspective. If you let this color your interactions with the brother & gf, it sets you up for failure and ruins any good time that you might have.

You say that your SO's mother wants you to fix things, but if the gf refuses to socialize with you, I don't see how it's your problem. Do you socialize with the family (including the gf) when you're invited to SO's parents' house?

I spent years dealing with the X's obnoxious siblings and at least one brother's obnoxious gf/wife. I found that I could get along with her when we were alone, but throw his brother into the mix, and they were the most toxic couple you could imagine. I avoided every opportunity to socialize with them on our own, but I'd suck it up for family functions (or dysfunctions--a more apt description of the X's family get-togethers )

gardenparty posted 11/17/2013 14:28 PM

Sad, I adore younger brother, the info on him being spoiled and the baby of the family was added because instead of letting him work through stuff his mother always steps in. He and his girlfriend live with his parents so we do see them quite a bit. When the parents are out of town, and they are out of town a lot, we cook a big Sunday dinner at our house for everybody to get together. Youngest brother will come on his own but his girlfriend will not and usually she will find something else for them to be doing so he does not come either. The rest of the siblings jam in the basement, hang out and enjoy dinner together, this is what he feels left out of. Do we stop the dinners?

phmh posted 11/17/2013 16:13 PM

Sounds like major boundaries issues on MIL's side. What does your SO think about things? It's his family, after all. Can you say something to his mom about how you don't feel comfortable getting involved in family issues?

I wish I had a good answer -- there really isn't one. I've mentioned before that before I found the need for SI, I was on a similar board for people with terrible in-laws (specifically MILs.)

The advice there is usually a version of "his mom, his problem," "If I had to do it again, I'd pick someone who had better parents/stood up to them" and "never JADE to toxic people (justify, argue, defend, explain.)" Too late for the middle one for you, but the first and third may be somewhat helpful?

Sad in AZ posted 11/17/2013 20:29 PM

Based on the additional info, if it were me, I'd just ignore SO's mother. Keep doing what you're doing, let the others enjoy your hospitality and let little bro's gf stew in her own juices.

When I stopped trying to be the peacemaker, my life got infinitely better.

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