History: I met my H 2.5 years ago and instantly fell for him. At the time I was going through a nasty seperation from my sons father and my H never left my side. Within 3 months me and my H were engaged and another 3 months later I was divorced from my ex and married to my H. Now me, my H and my then 4 yr old son were living in our own place. This is where it all started. Of course we had our happy go lucky moments but they started to become non-existent right away. My H had been told by co-workers that marriage meant the end of happiness. The sex was supposed to stop, the good times would be few and far in between and life was now going go be gloomy. Well idk if he took that to heart but that's exactly what happened. We constantly fought about my parenting. He thought I wasn't strip t enough I thought he didn't have any right to just walk in our lives and start taking control of everything so of course I stayed defensive. We fought about our families. He didn't like my sister and wouldn't allow her near or in our home and which made me feel like I was in the middle but he was my husband so I obliged. I felt like I had been compared to his mom from day 1.....she does things this way and does that that way. I always felt under pressure to be good enough when he should've appreciated me for who I already was. Id always say maybe he should've married his mom cause ill never live up to his or her expectations. We fought about my ex (sons father). He thought I was too friendly and I felt like being friends was better for my son than being enemies because he'd already been through enough. We fought about alcohol. I was a bartender and have always enjoyed having a few beers on the weekends. He decided to stop drinking and told me I didn't have to but yet when I mentioned having a drink it'd be a fight. The intamacy, romance, friendly conversations, laughing, sweet little comments, slowly went from some to none. I started to feel rejected, not good enough, not pretty enough, worthless and alone. He never wanted to do things as a family with me and my son....there was always an excuse. Instead of taking a few moments to spend with me or us he'd play PS3. Ive made all of this known to him and of course I'm a cry baby, drama queen, wont leave well enough alone....etc. Hes not a very warm person to begin with. It seems like hes always angry or irritated by something and j found myself saying sorry A WHOLE LOT! Whether I felt like I did wrong or not id say it. I felt like a roommate to him rather than his spouse and friend. I felt like he had sex with me just cause that's what hes supposed to do. I would lie about drinking or who id talked to or little things because I didn't want to be honest with him cause I knew he'd be angry and thered be another night of him sleeping on the couch. We talked about divorce before and ive always mentioned MC. He turns it down every time. Well, August of last year we found out we were expecting. This was his first and the first grandbaby on his side so everyone was ecstatic. Things started feeling better....we weren't fighting as much, he seemed happy, me and his mom were getting along great. Things were turnings around.....I thought. I started to realize that he seemed completely disinterested in the pregnancy. He rarely asked how I was feeling or if there was anything I needed. This was pretty much how my entire pregnancy went....the video games became more frequent, the sex seemed routine, I felt like I was in this alone...again. we fought about baby names, money, sex, you name it. My self esteem wasn't the highest before the pregnancy and now being pregnant it only got worse. I was still working the entire time I was prego.
A: I met the OM at my job right after we found out. He is the son of one of my regular customers. He is also married with 4 young children. Id seen him before but never had any conversation with him. Until this night. He was arguing with his wife this night and I would overhear some of the things he was saying and he asked my opinion. So before you know it we were talking about our marriages, kids, life, just having a friendly conversation. We exchanged numbers before he left because him and his wife were supposed to help out with an event coming up and me and my co-worker needed a way to get a hold of them regarding details. That's when the texting began. They were nothing but friendly words/convo for quite a while. He'd ask how I was doing, how me and my H were doing, how was my pregnancy going...etc. he'd also add a "hi beautiful, "you're so funny, "you're sweet, "your husband is a lucky man"....you get the point. I'm not gonna lie and say I didn't soak up every comment ghat was made cause I sure did. I started to feel good again. Before you know it we both started texting less and less and I didn't speak to him again until after I had the baby. He was born in March and my H never seemed happier. He balled like a baby that day he was born and his entire attitude and demeanor changed. I really thought things were going to be better from then on out. Well that lasted all of a month. My son has a milk deficiency and used to scream for hours. He was the opposite of my oldest so I was going through it all brand new right alone with my H. There were days I wanted to scream and give up but I couldn't. This baby depended on me. My H on the other hand shut down. He wouldn't hold him, feed him, would get frustrated and throw diapers if he peed on him. He would say things like, "I don't want anymore kids, if I would've known I would've never had kids, he (the baby) has ruined any chance of me being a father again". To me they were crappy comments. But still....I had to deal with it. I went back to work, did the shopping, cleaning, drs visits, bathing....all of it. My H works the late shift and would come home and play PS3 for hours and hours. I felt like a single mom. He wouldn't watch him by himself instead he'd go to his moms, who at this time has turned into that crazy grandma. She acted like she was the babies mom and I was non-existent to him. I mentioned this to my H and he'd tell me I'm overreacting or just get over it. So....I got a text from OM one day asking how I was and that's when it all changed. I looked forward to talking to him because he made me feel like I was worth something. The comments, the few times id se him at work id smile ja lot. It was addicting to hear nice things about myself cause I sure wasn't getting any of it at home. The texts became daily, all day, and went from friendly to sexual. Id send a pic of my breasts and he'd send pics of himself. I knew then it was wrong but I couldn't stop. It wasn't so much him as a person as it was what he was saying. My H found out about the texts and flipped out. As well he should have. He asked why I didn't tell him about him and I said because I knew he'd freak out. I promised not to talk to him and I didn't. For a few months I didn't. Things at home stayed the same just now he'd make comments about the OM. The OM came to a meeting at my job and seeing him I smiled. Not because I loved him or missed him. But be pause I knew for those few hours id feel good. He came up to my work more and more....sometimes with his W and sometimes without. Either or it was nice seeing him. He felt like that one person I could confide in and wouldn't get mad or judge me. We talked here and there for a while and this past week my H found messages from us. I hid the fact that inwas talking to him again and instead of texting we emailed eachother. Of course my H flew off the handle this time. They were sexual comments and some I miss you's and just normal comments. Well this time my H isn't as forgiving as the last.
THE AFTERMATH: It has been almost a week since H found out I was still talking to him. He absolutely should be angry and have all kinds of feelings running through his head. I 100% take responsibility for what ive done and am not blaming anyone or anything for my actions. My H gave me 3 things to do in order to have "even a thread of a chance with him". I had to quit my job, tell my mom the whole truth, and tell the OW about everything. Its now been 6 days and I have done all 3. Ive also sent a no-contact letter to the OM and cc'd my H and the OW. I figured by doing this I was showing my H I was serious about having no more contact with him. Doing so just made things worse. Not only is he on fb publicly calling me a cheater and commenting back and forth about how I'm a piece of crap, etc. Hes posting songs about how he hates me and I'm dead to him. His family, friends, co-workers, everyone is telling him to take my son and leave. When hes home hes questioning me over and over which I have no problems answering questions over and over. I have given all my passwords to e everything and have told him I'm sorry a million times and that I will do anything to save this marriage. I literally have been called some of the worse things anyone could be called and I know I deserve most of it. I lied, I hid, I snuck around....I get it. There was never any physical contact between me and OM. H doesn't believe that of course. H wont let me use our vehicle even to get formula. He has said that since hes paying the bills now I have to play by his rules. I'm sorry and I don't know what else to do. I want to fight my butt off for this but a little part of me is wondering if I should given our history.
Please someone give me some advice whether good or bad. I'm lost and alone and scared and I don't know what to do next. I really love my H with all my heart but I'm not sure he'll ever love me again. I know time is going to be the biggest factor in R but is it worth it?
I think your story is lengthy because you are dealing with a lot here. Take a minute to breathe, and work on one issue at a time. That doesn't mean to ignore one issue to work on another, but give each issue it's own attention.
I know time is going to be the biggest factor in R but is it worth it?
This is a two part question, I think. Time is a big factor, but what you do with that time is even more important. Is R worth it? It can be. The important thing is to work on yourself first and foremost. Healing yourself and making yourself someone who would safe to have in a relationship is of utmost importance if you plan to go the R route. I guess the most important question you can ask yourself, and a question that I have asked myself, is "Am I am person that I would want to R with?" If there are any questions to that answer, start there... and start digging. Whether you R or not, the digging is worth it.
Are you and your husband in counseling? Looking at the issues involved, I'd be willing to bet that IC (Individual Counseling) would be beneficial to you both.
You'll find a lot of resources, and a lot of support here. Check out the Healing Library in the upper left. A lot of good reading there.
I wish you and your husband the best of luck! More folks will be along with more advice and more feedback. I'm glad you are posting here! This is a good start to a healthier you, and hopefully a healthier couple. Again, welcome, and keep posting here. You came to the right place.
This is all very fresh. The conventional wisdom is, don't make major decisions till 6 months after DDay. Right now my recommendation is that you focus on caring for your children and yourself. Start reading everything you can get your hands on. When you finish the healing library here, start reading the books that are recommended by members here. I think Not Just Friends would be a great place for you to start.
Your entire back story consists of you complaining about your BH. You say you take responbility for your infidelity, and that's good, but I'm concerned that you apparently view all of the pre-existing conditions in your M as your BH's fault. You married a KISA (knight in shining armor) who you barely knew! And then the honeymoon was over, and he became a PS3-playing asshole. Hmm. Did the same thing happen in your first M?
Your BH is angry right now and he has a right to be, and you get that.
There was never any physical contact between me and OM. H doesn't believe that of course.
Gently, here, you are a liar. I'm not sure I believe it either.
H wont let me use our vehicle even to get formula. He has said that since hes paying the bills now I have to play by his rules.
I'm willing to give him a teeny tiny bit of latitude here since it's only been a week and this is all very fresh. If this is still the case in another week, or two...that's simply not acceptable. You're not a child, you're not his property. You two need to have a serious discussion and establish rules and boundaries for the M.
Is R worth it? For me, hell yeah. For you...well, consider for a sec, what's the alternative? Separate, D, find a new KISA, and repeat the process? Because if you don't figure out what your damage is, why your relationships burn bright and flame out quickly...I don't foresee a happy, stable life for your and your children.
Welcome to SI. I hope you stick around.
Are you and your husband in counseling?
No we're not. I think IC would be best for me right now and then maybe down the road we could try some MC. Im the reason for this mess and i honestly feel like i am the one who should be doing all the work. I have some issues from far back in my past that should be addressed. Im not saying these issues are any reason for what ive done in the past but working through them might possibly benefit me in the future.
I will definitely use your advice and use the tools given here first. Im hoping for the best for myself and my marriage.
You married a KISA (knight in shining armor) who you barely knew! And then the honeymoon was over, and he became a PS3-playing asshole. Hmm. Did the same thing happen in your first M?
No. My first marriage was alot lenghthier. We knew eachother for years before marrying and stayed married for 6 years.
There was never any physical contact between me and OM. H doesn't believe that of course.
Gently, here, you are a liar. I'm not sure I believe it either.
There was zero sexual contact. We never had sex. Ever. Yes weve hugged. But other than that no. I only saw him at my work and it was never alone. I always had a bar full of people.
No im not looking to repeat this process again. Im looking for my current situation to get better. I have alot of work to do on myself and am only hoping that eventually my H will see in me what made him fall in love with me in the first place again.
I am in no way using this to bash my H.
And yet you have been successful in doing so. You only back down when you are called on it. So whether it was your intention or not, I do feel you are using his behavior as justification for yours.
When you ask "is it worth it?" Only you can answer that. If he is such a jerk, why do you want to stay? Is it because you are afraid of losing your son? Is it because you are afraid of being alone? Or is it because you truly love this man and want it to work. The answer probably isn't a simple one and may have many layers, but you need to figure out why it is important to you. Figuring that out will help you get the answer of whether or not R is worth it. I have been here awhile. I am very pro R, but for the right reasons. It's up to the both of you to figure that out.
I have alot of work to do on myself and am only hoping that eventually my H will see in me what made him fall in love with me in the first place again.
I agree, you have a lot of work to do. But do you think that your BH might be feeling he wants you to see in him what made you fall in love with him in the first place again?
Think about this for a moment. Your post is very much about how he has made you feel. How you want him to feel towards you. What are you doing and what have you done to make him feel loved? What have you put into your marriage? It's all about perspective. Maybe he didn't change as much you say he has. Maybe it has more to do with your own perception of what you want from a relationship. Do you view how well it's going based on how much you are getting from it? Or do you view it from how well you are working together as a team? Because it seems to me that (at least right now) you want more than you give back.
Take a step back. WSs have tendency to rewrite marital history. If he is such a great guy, why all of the complaining? Try putting yourself in his shoes. Look at things from his perspective. It might help you find a little bit of empathy and remorse that I feel is lacking at this point.
It's still very early. I know everything is very confusing. But I can tell you from experience that no matter what the outcome is, taking a deep look at yourself and learning how you function is worth it.
He wouldn't hold him, feed him, would get frustrated and throw diapers if he peed on him. He would say things like, "I don't want anymore kids, if I would've known I would've never had kids, he (the baby) has ruined any chance of me being a father again".
Is this accurate? Is this how your H really behaved with his baby?
Has he changed now?
You have hit the nail on the head. I am very guilty of giving one-sided stories. Idk if its because I'm afraid of the backlash ill get or if its just plain not taking accountability for my actions. I honestly think its a little of both. I have been very guilty of bashing my H or not giving the entire truth to others. Why? The only reason I can give for this is because at the time it makes me feel better about the situation and instead of taking blame I put it on him. One of the reasons it took me so long to reply back is because I realized how much I really do this and I feel like a complete jerk for doidng so.
Taking a step back I have realized that I haven't put as much into this marriage as ive boasted I have. Ive lied, caused hurt, been fake and have taken this marriage for granted. No my husband isn't that bad because obviously if he was I wouldn't still be here. We've had our issues just like any other couple but the difference with us is, instead of me realizing my faults and the real reasons we have had issues ive ignored them and put alot of the blame on him. Looking back now I realize I took him for granted and once the honeymoon was over so was my willingness to work hard at this, Id TAKE TAKE TAKE but never really gave back what was owed. I did look for this marriage to be one like in romance novels and now realize Ive wanted too much. Ive been neglectful with his feelings and realize I had what I needed in front of me the whole time but I was too selfish to see that.
Thank you sincerely for your insight.
That's not exactly how he was. I exxagerated the truth on that. Did he become very frustrated at times? Absolutely he did, but so did I. Instead of making the situation worse by having the baby when he was frustrated he'd simply walk away, and take some time to himself. This did frustrate me ag the time but now I see he only did that because he knew him being frustrated wouldn't help the baby or the situation. Hes never had alot to do with babies and was going through the motions as best he could. I couldn't understand this at the moment and would get frustrated by it. My H is a good father and is doing the best he can with having so experience. That's something ive had to get over because I'm the complete opposite of him when it comes to babies.
I exaggerated the truth on that
It would be beneficial and more effective to your recovery and healing if you would stop doing this.
exaggerating the truth is just another modification for telling a lie. Do not be afraid to face your own demons because if you don't, they will chase you your entire life
You can't even remotely begin to start healing if you can't be honest. Quit lying. It's actually quite freeing.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
"Do not be afraid to face your own demons...." THIS HAS EXACTLY BEEN MY PROBLEM. And is the main reason why ive gotten myself into this mess. Now I need to get myself out of this mess because I really do love my H and want our M back. I know the only way this is going to happen is to first start being completely honest. Hearing the truth and being 100% honest with myself has been one of the hardest things but I know its necessary for mine and my BS recovery.
Even with the exaggerations, your M and your BH sound a lot like someone I know. Good guy, got into the M for what seemed a good reason, but has become someone who doesn't know they have some major issues of their own to deal with and can't even begin to make that kind of a realization.
The control regarding him being the breadwinner and you have to do what he says...that may be understandable in the infidelity/d-day setting, but it is just plain wrong IMO. Quitting your job is probably a good step, but is he willing to let you get another one? Does this good guy have any inkling of how him not siding with you has affected things in your M and with your son? Do you realize that drinking to the point of passing out is not healthy even if you don't have kids? Driving drunk??? there are few individuals on this site who have been directly impacted by drunk drivers.
So, really, who are you? What are you willing to do to figure that out? Can you really see a way that you and your BH can work this out together?
You have some tough decisions to make in the very near future. At some point, you will have to make decisions for yourself, but you have two kids from two different dads. Looks like whatever you choose is going to be hurtful. It's time to step up either way.
Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013