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embee posted 11/15/2013 20:15 PM

I guess this is my new home now.

After he refused to maintain NC but said he wouldn't have any sexual or romantic contact with her, I discovered he'd been exchanging sexually explicit messages with her. When I confronted him, he IMMEDIATELY snapped into "I'll just leave," and this time I called his bluff and told him to get out.

It remains to be seen what will actually happen, I guess. I knew this was a possibility, but I figured it would be at least a few more months...I'm devastated, but less devastated than on D-day when I similarly thought it was over. I'm going to bag up his clothes and whatever else I don't want. Guess he's saying at a hotel in the area tonight, presumably will come and get some more of his stuff tomorrow and OW will come pick him up and take him...somewhere.

Someone remind me there's a light at other end of this tunnel...I've only been in this area a few months, totally alone and friendless, no idea how to move on with my life. It's all been about him since we met. I know I can still be a whole person somewhere deep down in there, but I've forgotten how.

PurpleRose posted 11/15/2013 20:20 PM

Yes.. The light always comes after the darkness. Give yourself time to figure out which way is up.

You deserve better. Bag up his shit and let him slither away like the scaleless snake that he is. You will be ok. You will find that light again and find YoU.

phmh posted 11/15/2013 20:50 PM

Oh, my sweet friend.

When I was a few weeks from D-Day, a dear friend of mine told me that there was light at the end of the tunnel -- it was her and all of the others that had gone before me, holding their candles and waiting for me to join them.

I know it doesn't seem like it, but someday in the future, you will see this as a good thing that has happened to you.

You deserve so much more. And I know that you will find it.

shiloe posted 11/15/2013 21:11 PM

I am so sorry Embee. It hurts like hell. You did the right thing. I wish I would have thrown my WS to the curb when he did it the first time. Now, 11 yrs. later, and a 2nd A (which he hid for 4 yrs), I kicked him out. His MOW can have him.
Heffy bag all his crap Embee, and I mean everything. I did, things he gave me, pictures off the wall, EVERYTHING. Our wedding album. All the gift I bought for him. I dump them all off at his new place. Clothes, shoes, any and everything I could I packed up, I dumped. You do not deserve to be treated like second best. Go dark on him. Contact a L.
Plus you will have a lot more room in your closets.
It is going to take a long time, but stay strong, do not let him treat you like a door mat.

nowiknow23 posted 11/15/2013 21:13 PM

((((embee)))) There is a light ahead, honey. Promise. For now, focus on taking care of YOU.

ChoosingHope posted 11/15/2013 21:14 PM

Oh. I still remember my own similar day. And there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. Just today my daughter's teacher told me that she was newly engaged after a disastrous first marriage with serial cheating.

She said, "I would go through all that pain again if I knew I would ever feel this happy and content someday."

She is the second divorced woman this WEEK to express this sentiment to me. I'm not quite there myself yet, now I believe it. It probably seems impossible to you right now, but you can be happy again, probably even happier.

You just have to go through the motions and PUSH THROUGH everything.

Hang in there!!!

embee posted 11/15/2013 21:48 PM

Thanks everybody. I just talked to his sister on the phone for a while. She is 100% on my side and thinks he is acting like a psycho, and that this is NOT the brother she knows. That was comforting, because I was starting to think he'd had me fooled since we met. And I have to say, it's a huge relief to have his family (or at least some of his family) know. Now, I'm sure his mom and dad will be the next to find out, and he's going to have to deal with the fallout from that.

I've hefty bagged all his clothes and any other belongings that I came across. I think I might have overlooked some things. On D-day, he said I could "have everything" but something tells me he'll change his tune when he's actually trying to make ends meet with no job and no place to stay. (His OW lives with her parents, and I doubt they'd put him up even if they had the room.)

It's overwhelming to think about a life without him, but not all bad. At this point, if he wants me back, I'm going to still want some more distance. He called me a "terrible person" and said he wants someone who will be "nicer" to him. Among other charming things. I'm not just going to forget all that overnight.

The sucky thing is that I moved to this part of the country FOR HIM, because this is where he grew up and wanted to be. And I like it! I don't want to leave. But part of me thinks I might need to. Get a fresh start somewhere else. I'm locked into a lease here until next summer. I don't know. Maybe I'll stay. We haven't been here that long, so it's not loaded with as much baggage as our last place.

I don't know. Lots to think about. I can't believe how calm I feel, considering everything.

damncutekitty posted 11/16/2013 09:47 AM

Get a lawyer ASAP, get papers filed and maybe you can get a D final while he's still in a "you can have everything" mindset. God forbid you have to pay this jerk any alimony.

embee posted 11/16/2013 10:13 AM

Yeah, I will try to get a consultation as soon as I can. Of course he left on a weekend. From what I have heard, as long as he is able to work there's no reason I should be expected to pay to support him. And really I don't care about most of the "stuff" we have. But I will have to come up with a list of questions for a lawyer. So much stuff to think about. It's mind-boggling.

The temptation to text him, just to find out where he is and if he's ok, is incredibly strong. But I can't. When he wants to come and get his stuff, he'll call me.

I'm heartbroken for our pets, which might sound crazy but even if there were only two human members, this was still a little family that's breaking up now. My dog doesn't understand why he's gone, and my cat has lived with him since he was a tiny kitten. Seven years ago he became "our" cat, but he's still going to be confused. The dog was always "ours," we got her shortly before we were married...I don't even know how to wrap my head around that. I know they'll both get over it quicker than I will, but still - the fact that they can't understand, and never will, is so sad.

lifestoshort posted 11/16/2013 10:18 AM

he left a long times ago, only his body just left. heal yourself. he has lied often. its not healthy, its not fair and its not the life you should lead into.

get a lawyer, read baggagereclaim and see a counselor if you have time.

embee posted 11/16/2013 12:30 PM

I don't have therapy again until next week. He actually left the same day of my weekly appointment.

The weirdest little things are upsetting me today. I feel ok for a while, then suddenly I'll think something like "it seems like just yesterday we were going to the courthouse to get our marriage license..." Or I'll imagine having a conversation with him about the practical things, like whether I'll change my name, and I can't even get through that without breaking down. This is the longest I've gone without talking to him since we became a couple. I can't believe that he left 15 hours ago and hasn't even tried to contact me. Who is this person?

BrighterFuture posted 11/16/2013 13:37 PM

We all get shocked by the things the person is supposed to love us do to us while in an affair. I'm 8 months past DDay and I still can't believe what he did to me. Consider yourself lucky. Get out of this marriage before you have kids with this person. Consider it lesson learnt and choose wisely in future.

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