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help! need support. he's not coming home tonight

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runningfrompain posted 11/15/2013 23:38 PM

I have started writing about the troubles of our last 24 hours on my post "setback". Unfortunately, things got worse quickly. He finished with work around 4:30 & went and sat at a bar until 7:30, when he went to meet his son for dinner. On the way he called & was brief but didn't seem that off. Shortly after he was finished with dinner I got an email from Apple stating that he had turned off "find my iphone" on his phone & ipad. HUGE RED FLAG! He then called our daughter to say goodnight but left her with the impression he was on the way home. We waited up an hour after her bedtime & he never showed up so I called - no answer. Finally had to text & say she was waiting up for him before he would call back. He said he spoke to OW this evening "to see how she was doing" but said it was brief. He said he was either staying with a friend (he swore not her) or in a hotel. He has bipolar disorder and there seems to be the possibility of a mood change, but its hard to tell. I just know that all week he's been loving & kind & looking forward to coming home & within 24 hours we're here. Its just that he's left a bunch of times over the past 3 months & I don't know how much more I can take. I could really use support & guidance here. It feels like he's in a weird mood phase that he's going to wake up from & go "oh crap. What have I done?" I was hoping to hang in with R & give him some time to come out of whatever this is but its not looking good. My heart is breaking for the loss of our marriage & a man who I thought I would grow old wiTH _ HELP!!

gonnabe2016 posted 11/16/2013 00:01 AM

I gotta be honest here......his behavior is pretty ice-cold and cruel.

Admitting that he contacted OW and then *going dark* on you????? I hope that you can hop online real quick and find some kick-ass bitch boots....

ArkLaMiss posted 11/16/2013 01:27 AM

Wow, Pain, he's showing you who he is. Please, for your sake, detach. Now. Give him what he wants -FREEDOM. In the end, it will free YOU, though. So sorry for your pain. You deserve love and fidelity. You deserve to be cherished. He's a fool.

Jrazz posted 11/16/2013 01:48 AM

He said he spoke to OW this evening "to see how she was doing" but said it was brief. He said he was either staying with a friend (he swore not her) or in a hotel.

I can't imagine that he's not staying with her. Giving you a little info while lying about what's really happening is in the WS handbook.

I'm devastated for you. You want guidance? You need to get out of this as quickly as is healthy and safe for you. YOU want R. He wants to abuse your relationship and eat cake. You do not deserve this.

I'm so so sorry, running. He's not going to magically stop. Time to take care of yourself.

(((runningfrompain)))

Marathonwaseasy posted 11/16/2013 02:09 AM

This is so awful. My heart goes out to you.
His bipolar is of no relevance. If he's thinking clearly enough to switch off "find my iphone" then he's not completely delusional so he's culpable for what he's doing.
Bipolar does not take away the capacity to know right from wrong.
Thinking about you

silverhopes posted 11/16/2013 02:54 AM

Now might be a good time to begin detaching from him. It will be painful and it will probably take a while. It won't happen overnight. But he's not healthy. And he's acting on his unhealthiness. It would be one thing if he were trying to get help. Instead, he is turning off his find feature, telling you outright that he talked to OW tonight, and then claiming that he won't be staying with her but still not coming home? Liar!

That's willful destruction of your marriage.

Be gentle with yourself. Set a small goal. Maybe see if you can get through tonight and tomorrow without trying to contact him. Don't call or text. It will be hard. It's time to take care of yourself and let him worry about his mess.

I'm sorry.

(((hugs)))

runningfrompain posted 11/16/2013 03:00 AM

I really appreciate all the support. He's supposed to be coming home early tomorrow morning to give me a ride to the mechanic to get my car fixed. I am hoping that I will have the strength then to tell him it's time to leave. It makes me so sad to think about how my daughter will take this & I really do love him so much, it's killing me. But I also know that if I don't set boundaries & follow through nothing will change. It's just so unbelievably sad. It's 4 am & can't sleep.

silverhopes posted 11/16/2013 03:06 AM

Is there another person who can give you a ride to the mechanic? It might be a good idea to go with another person if possible and not him. Not after him staying out all night, quite possibly with the OW. Boundaries are hard, especially with someone you love. But they're necessary.

runningfrompain posted 11/16/2013 03:18 AM

It's not an emergency to go to the mechanic. I had thought it might be a good time to tell him to leave face to face?

silverhopes posted 11/16/2013 03:19 AM

Or it might be too late for another person to help. If it's 4am your time and he's supposed to come early, then I can see how you might not be able to make alternate arrangements. Is there a way that you can detach from him a bit while you're actually with him? Or wait, is he coming this morning, as in Saturday morning, or tomorrow? If tomorrow, then where was he planning on being all day today and tonight? And does he plan to stay after he takes you to the mechanic? How do you feel about asking him to not come back home?

silverhopes posted 11/16/2013 03:20 AM

Sorry, we cross-posted.

I think you're right, it might be a good time to tell him face-to-face to leave.

I'm sorry he put you in this situation.

runningfrompain posted 11/16/2013 03:35 AM

He should be at our house in a few hours to pick me up. It's only about a 10 minute ride so our contact will be brief. I guess I feel sadly resigned to this. He's leaving me no choice & this is his second affair so it's not even what you'd call an aberration. I'm just really sad & anxious & so pissed that I can't sleep. I'm going to be a mess today. I feel that I've been more than patient.

silverhopes posted 11/16/2013 08:02 AM

You have been more than patient. And you're right, this isn't an aberration, this is full-blown continued cheating and other wayward behavior. You did everything you could, and this is completely in his hands now.

I hope it goes OK today. Let us know if there's anything we can do to help.

OptimisticWife posted 11/16/2013 08:04 AM

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
Sending you lots of strength and hugs

You deserve so much better. Look after yourself and your daughter. Best wishes to you both.

blakesteele posted 11/16/2013 08:09 AM

(((runningfrompain)))

Saying a specific prayer for you right now...8:09 central standard time U.S.

I am sorry for your pain.

God be with you all.

runningfrompain posted 11/16/2013 09:39 AM

Thank you everyone for your support. He came home early this am & I told him he needed to go. That's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. He left to go to work for a little bit & when he comes back, we're going to talk to our daughter. That will far surpass this morning as the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I am so angry that he's being so selfish & putting our family through this. It is so hard to look at her & know what pain is coming her way. This is going to be a very hard day. Your support is so appreciated.

ILINIA posted 11/16/2013 09:41 AM

Turning off the find my iPhone is a deal breaker for us. I would not even wain to hear the lies or excuses as even if he was staying with a friend he could have left it on.

Thinking of you. Hang in there!

Eta. We cross posted, so just read your update. I know it was hard but you are doing what is right to protect you and your child.

[This message edited by ILINIA at 9:48 AM, November 16th (Saturday)]

karmahappens posted 11/16/2013 09:58 AM

Let him leave.

I am so sorry, what an asshat!
Do not fall for his being nice after work, he is not the man he should be right now.

Bipolar or not there is no excuse to disrespect and hurt your family the way he is.

Bitch boots, take care of you, please.

brkn_heartd posted 11/16/2013 10:15 AM

runningfromthepain,
I am so sorry you are going through this. It is terrible. Very cruel of him to do this to you. He surely cannot be surprised by your conversation.

I know it is hard, and I know your conversation with your daughter will be difficult. However, she knows something is wrong. You will be teaching her a better lesson in caring for yourself and her. She needs to know it is not acceptable for you both to be treated like this.

I am sending my support and strength to you.

AML04 posted 11/16/2013 10:17 AM

Sending you strength!

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