Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

separation and the kiddos

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

cookiegrl posted 11/16/2013 00:12 AM

So the thing I worry most about with what's going on is my kiddos. DS is 6, DD is 4. While I haven't told them anything, I know that DS knows something's up. On DD#2, I was sobbing quietly (as quietly as I could) while they were playing. DS asked me if I was okay, and I said that yes, I'm okay - mommy is just a little sad today. He said that sometimes he is sad too.. and then proceeded to bring me a tissue and his favorite stuffed animal to comfort me! So sweet. I just hate that they are seeing me so sad.

I'm getting by doing the basic things, getting my son to school (daughter is still home with me), getting them fed, just doing what I can to get by and I feel guilty for not being able to do more. I've also been hospitalized twice since everything happened (I think some of it was stress related) and I keep getting sick and I worry that I'm not going to be able to do this much longer. Plus my job is insane (I'm self-employed) but I have to keep going if I'm going to continue saving money.

I guess I think that I'm hiding it all from them, but so worried about how it's all going to effect them.

ChoosingHope posted 11/16/2013 08:21 AM

My children were exactly this age when I separated. They are now 7 and 8. You'll see a wide range of stories here about children and divorce.

My children are doing remarkably well, despite all sorts of terrible factors. They don't know about anything bad (custody battle, their father's problems). Their teachers say they're doing great. However, my older child was affected more, and he sometimes feels sad that we're not an intact family. He spent almost two years believing that somehow his parents would reconcile.

My daughter, who was four, can't really even remember when her father lived here. I think that's actually better.

Anyhow, the best advice I received was to take care of myself so that I was able to take care of my kids. It's a cliche, but it's true. Every says that if "you're good, your kids will be good," and this is very very true.

Do you have childcare so you can get your work done? Can you organize lots of playdates so that you can get more breaks? As for hiding the news from the kids, I think that the experts would tell you to sit down and talk to your kids pretty soon. You can google this - there are lots of resources online.

But mostly, we all need to take care of ourselves so that we can be the very best parents possible during even the worst situations. It's hard but so true. (((HUGS)))

PeacefulLife posted 11/16/2013 09:47 AM

My children were 4, 6, and 8 when their dad and I separated! Wow was it tough! I look back and it was such a precious time, despite the sadness, because their love was so unconditional. They just needed me to be stable and consistent and let them be sad when they needed to be. I did put them in a therapy group for children going through divorce so they were able to understand and verbalize their feelings. It also helped them to know they weren't the only ones going through this.

I know it is so painful and I am so sorry for your pain. You do NOT deserve this. It does get better but it takes time. Just hold on for now and the sun will eventually come back to your life.

cookiegrl posted 11/16/2013 17:24 PM

Thanks so much for the advice and encouragement! I thought about therapy for both of them, especially my oldest - he has been exposed to so many fights, anger - it does worry me.

Nature_Girl posted 11/16/2013 17:41 PM

You need to take care of you. AND, and this is a biggie, you need to let your kids know that A) you can and will be okay, and B) it is not their job to take care of you. Let them know that you are a grown up and can handle this. You might be sad sometimes, but it won't be always. You have other grown ups you talk to to help you feel better.

I've been very open with my kids about what's happening, BUT I don't put any responsibility on them for making me feel better. They have a counselor, they have other adults in their lives who know what's happening and can gently talk with them when they need to talk. It's been important to normalize for them what's happening and for them to know that no matter what, Mom is going to be okay and will take care of them.

mandan66 posted 11/16/2013 17:46 PM

I was so worried about my kids, that I probably held on to our marriage too long. In retrospect, I should have pulled the trigger months earlier, because as it turned out, the kids handled it pretty well. Children are very resilent, and seems that if you present it to them that there needs are all still going to be met, they are okay. There are hard times for sure, but as long as you show them that there is going to be some stability, they will do just fine, IMO.

cookiegrl posted 11/16/2013 19:49 PM

They keep asking about daddy. And while he does do things with them still, I feel like he lets them down a lot too, as far as spending time with them. And I cannot give any comfort to my son when this happens, he actually gets mad at ME.

Children are very resilent, and seems that if you present it to them that there needs are all still going to be met, they are okay.

I'm holding onto this, mandan!! thank you. I needed to hear it. I worry about them so much.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.