(((marathonwaseasy)))
Man....does this break my heart. My daughter was asleep on my arm this morning...so innocent, so not worthy of the damage my wifes A has done and can do to both our daughters in the future. Small town living....pray every day they dont find out. Not saying I deserve this pain either...but at least I can see how my actions pre-A hurt my wife....so I am not innocent. For the record, I pray for my wifes AP 5 children....they too are negatively affected by their fathers decision to commit adultery (a decision he continues to make with another woman).
We have choosen NOT to tell our children right now....6 and 9.
Did your husband consult you before he talked to them?
Heard a commentary on the radio the other day...had to do with parents laying down the law to their 20 year old daughter. She was making choices that crossed the boundaries her parents had set for her while she lived in their house. Since she was an adult...this daughter decided to move out of their family home.
They also have a 14 year old daughter. The 14 year old reacted poorly to her older sister moving out.
The parents told the 14 year old that they had to protect their family. The therapist on the radio said "WRONG ANSWER!"
While this was a true answer, it is not an answer a 14 year old can process....and will lead to FOO issues.
The therapist said to go to the 14 year old and say "Your sister has made choices that took her outside of the family home. We still love her and hope she chooses to rejoin our family very soon."
See the difference? I sure did. My abandnonment fears date back to when I was 12....hardly anything was said about my parents sudden D, other than "Moms is going to take care of the family.".
It left me with this feeling that I could be cut out of the family without warning.
I would have really appreciated the truth about "choices" and how it is a persons choice that caused the situation to occur...not some mystical "protection" thing.
See what I mean?
It makes sense to me....young children understand choices and consequences. They really arent mature enough to understand the whole "nurturing and protection" dynamic....hell, some ADULTS dont get that concept!
At the end of the day....it really is choices that result in reality. My choices on how I reacted to my DD resulted in a more dreadful reality.....not by my wifes choices, but by my own.
By realizing that it empowered me. Made me feel stupid, immature, and embarrassed....but realizing it was by MY choice was liberating.
Perhaps you can find a way to work this choice idea into a conversation with your children.
I believe children are resilient....but also believe coping mechanisms gives us a false sense that little damage occurred.
Much damage occurred to both my wife and I during our formative years thanks to really poor family discussions....or lack of them. We masked the hurt....I did it for 30 years.
God help us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:23 AM, November 16th (Saturday)]