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Anyone dealing with lost friendships after deciding to R?

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La Traviata posted 11/16/2013 05:07 AM

I recently had a "relapse scare" with my WH where I nearly divorced him. I went as far as scheduling an appointment with a lawyer and telling friends and family that I was leaving. When I found out it was all a misunderstanding and my paranoia/PTSD had a lot to do with what happened, I had a breakdown. I said some things I didn't mean. One of my best friends sent me an email saying he wanted to be out of my life because I was acting like a bad person (I was.) That was so traumatic, and I didn't know how to tell my other best friend that I wasn't going to divorce WH, so I sent her a letter saying that she was better off without me because I was a bad friend and a bad person. Her reaction was to unfriend me on FB and not reply.

It's been a little over two months and I want to mend these friendships and I don't know how. I sent my guy friend (the one who "dumped" me) an apology letter, but I have no idea what to do with my female friend. I can tell I hurt her badly. She took me in when I left WH after his last relapse. I think she might be angry that I didn't leave when I said I was going to.

Has anyone else gone through this?

[This message edited by La Traviata at 5:07 AM, November 16th (Saturday)]

MrsDoubtfire posted 11/16/2013 06:22 AM

I have a little experience of this as a friend stopped seeing me as I was consumed with talking about it at the start and she decided she couldn't help me so walked away!!

But why would she un-friend you after you sent her a letter saying you were not good for her?

Gently- could it be more because she didn't want any part in any drama? Sending a letter to someone telling them you are no good and to walk away etc etc could be misconstrued as being like that. She did do as you asked after all....FWIW- any decent friend would know infidelity can make you a bit insane and grant you some leeway. It doesn't look like she has given you this freedom!

Or do you know for sure she is mad because you didn't leave?

I have no answers but I will say- some friends will be right there in the mud with you but some fairweather friends won't want to get icky with you!

ItsaClimb posted 11/16/2013 08:30 AM

Shortly after D-Day WH and I separated for a time and I started divorce proceedings. There is a couple we have been friends with for 20+ years. The woman was one of my closest friends. She was really lovely to me for a few weeks after D-Day. While we we were separated WH spoke to this woman and told her that I was treating him very badly.

The back-story is that WH would fetch DD for school every morning, he would arrive early and come inside, make himself at home in the kitchen and on one occasion he came walking into my bedroom - I thought this was WAY out of line as we were divorcing and I made him wait in the car for DD from then on. Then, a few weeks later, there was a major week-long event happening on the beach close to his flat - loud music until the early hours of every morning. DD had dinner with him one night and, on returning home, asked if her dad could come and sleep in the spare-room for 2 nights until this event was over, as he was getting no sleep and the noise was unbearable. I was hesitant, but to keep the peace with DD and to be reasonable I agreed. He slept IN THE SPARE-ROOM for 2 nights.

WH told the friend that I was kicking him out of the home one day and inviting him to sleep over the next. Her assumption was (maybe he implied?) that I was inviting him to sleep over IN MY BED, for sex!!

This friend phoned me up and chewed my ear off. Told me that the A happened years ago (see my profile) and that since then WH had been a wonderful husband to me and she could not understand WHAT my problem was, why I could not leave the past in the past yadda yadda yadda and that to kick this man out of his house was RIDICULOUS and to then invite him back left him SO confused.... blah, blah, blah.. . I tried my best to explain the real situation to her, but she was having none of it! She finally told me that she didn't want someone like me in her life, slammed the phone down on me and that was the end of a 20+ year friendship!

A few months later I tried to patch things up, she refused to speak to me. I took comfort in the fact that she doesn't speak to a single member of her family or a single member of her husbands family either, so I am not alone

Quite frankly, her reaction was so bizarre, that I have since wondered if she has not been unfaithful at some point....

But it hurts. It hurts that someone I thought was my friend could turn on me in my hour of need. And it hurts that my WH's infidelity affected another relationship that I valued.

I have peace with it though. I tried my best to patch things up. I tried to explain what had actually happened to her. She chose not to listen, she chose not to be a true friend. So it's on her.

La Traviata posted 11/16/2013 11:06 AM

Oh, I'm sure she was sick of the drama. We'd been friends a long time and seen our share of ups and downs.

I'm thinking I'll call her and -just- apologize, either to her or her voicemail, and leave it at that. After everything I put her through, asking her to be my friend is probably unreasonable, but I think she might at least forgive me, which would be better than walking around with all this guilt.

Kierst13 posted 11/16/2013 12:36 PM

Yes. After the first DDay we lost a few couples either due to the wives being concerned with their husbands hanging around a cheater (my WS) or the husbands being so disgusted with my WS behavior that they no longer wanted to be around him.

I can't really blame them considering we talk a lot on SI about "friends of the marriage" and I know I would have a difficult time considering a known cheater to be a "friend of my marriage". I suppose that would change after I saw hard work and reconciliation, but in the early months (years?) I would not want that influence in my life or my (at the time) WS life.

Flourgirl posted 11/16/2013 14:00 PM

Yes I have lost a couple of friends. They can't understand how I can be with someone who has hurt me so bad. It's sad but you can't understand unless you have been through it.

La Traviata posted 11/16/2013 15:58 PM

It sucks because she really was my best friend, but in the final analysis I'm holding no cards. I just have to let her go and take the lesson.

My other friend I have a little more hope for. I know he's read my message and it's been a few days. I hope he's just taking time to craft a proper (positive) response or busy with other things. The worst case scenario is that he'll just ignore me. I hope he at least has the decency to tell me to F off forever instead of leaving me hanging.

Dare2Trust posted 11/16/2013 22:49 PM

YES, my WH and I were "dropped socially" by two couples I considered to be my best friends: Both of them could not understand WHY I'd allow my husband to move back home after he left me, and moved in with the psycho OW for a period of time.

I haven't done anything to try and "mend" these relationships - because I don't believe TRUE FRIENDS would abandon me simply because I made the choice to try to reconcile my marriage.

I'm sorry for the pain you're going through.

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