"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Toni167 posted 11/16/2013 11:25 AM

I found out my oh was having an affair in July.

We have worked through some things and started to get to like each other again. He had no contact with her as far as I know - until oct when he sent 2 texts to her. I saw her number on his mobile phone bill. I confronted him straight away and he denied it - but I have given up my last way of knowing what he is doing now.

It's over a month on. This week I feel unbelievably angry. I don't believe him anymore. I don't think the affair is continuing but I have lost all trust and faith in him. I think he wants to make things work but I feel like I just want to walk. Everyone says wait, take time to make the decision, give yourself time to think.

It just feels like my heart in numb and feelings I had for him are gone.

I just don't get why I feel like this all of a sudden. Two weeks ago we were on holiday and things were ok. I feel like we are comfortable together but no longer in love - just afraid to admit it.

I don't want to discuss this with him just yet. I want to wait and see if I feel differently again. I felt like I had come to terms with things but when we go out for dinner I look at him and think that he is exactly the same now as he was 6 months ago when he was having an affair. I had no idea - his behaviour didn't change at all. I don't feel like I know him or believe anything anymore.

He behaves now the same as he did when he was emailing / seeing her - and I had no idea. So how can I ever trust him again or believe what he says?

Think I'm just having a bad week??

unfound posted 11/16/2013 11:41 AM

I don't think it's just you having a bad week. I think it's the fact that you've had two ddays, one recently, and your husband has given you no reason, other than words, to believe that he's changing or trying to repair what he's wrecked.

You don't have to make any decisions until you're ready. Problem can be that in this state, you probably feel pretty unsure of anything. That's okay and normal. There's nothing wrong with saying "I don't know what I want to do right now, but I am going to emotionally separate myself from this situation until I see effort and ________ from you". Insert any conditions, transparency, IC, MC, accountability etc. that you feel you need to help solidify a decision to either leave or stay.

This could also be a deal breaker for you. They don't always come at the moment of dday, but can reveal themselves later down the road. That's okay too. You dont' have to justify it to anyone.

No matter what, know that you will be okay. I know it doesn't feel that way right now, but you will be. You've got the support of those of us that have btdt and those that are going through this with you.

solus sto posted 11/16/2013 17:32 PM

So how can I ever trust him again or believe what he says?

Gently, you can't. Not now. Not when he's still in contact and hiding it/lying about it and refusing transparency.

. I don't think the affair is continuing

In the aftermath of d-day, continued contact (and dishonesty about it, in particular) IS still being in the affair.

The ball's really in his court. Words are easy to say, but actions are what tell the real story.

You ask "why do I feel like this again?"

It's because his actions don't match his words.

Sadly, you have not been in reconciliation. Whether you will enter it relies on two things. You can control one: your willingness to offer the gift of R and to work with him to repair the damage he's done to the marriage.

But you can't control the other---his willingness to (a) END the affair and ALL contact, (b) learn new coping skills, (c) establish and maintain strong boundaries, (d) explore WHY he was willing to engage in behavior that harmed himself, you, your marriage, and your family, and (e) work with you repair the damage caused by his actions.

And without the latter, you can't reconcile.

Plain and simple.

I hope he figures this out before it's too late.

Sadly, there is no way for you to make him.

[This message edited by solus sto at 5:33 PM, November 16th (Saturday)]

brkn_heartd posted 11/17/2013 11:01 AM

Wait until you feel the right time to make a decision is. Not when someone else tells you.

It does not sound like he is doing anything to help you feel safe or trying to heal your marriage. If you feel like he is still in touch, he probably is. If he knows how you found out, he will have gotten smarter. He could take it underground. Unfortunately, technology makes it all to easy. For me, it was about my WH actions as to whether I believed him or not. I still do not blindly trust and never will again. However, I do not believe he is actively doing anything either. His actions tell me that.

If your husband is not actively trying to help you heal...he is not doing his part.