I almost came on here back in February, but I felt like no one had been in my situation so the reactions and feedback wouldn't be helpful. I've finally realized I do need a place to talk about things, and this was triggered by another event. I apologize in advance if I do not successfully use abbreviations. I'll pick them up with time and practice.
February 2012 my husband and I had a HUGE fight that included him saying he thought we were incompatible and would end up divorced. We separated in March 2012 (as in, he moved out). At first we had minimal contact, but it gradually increased. We started going to marriage counseling in November or December 2012, with the promise only to try to figure out if we wanted to work on fixing the relationship.
In early February of this year, I discovered that he was carrying on a relationship with another woman for about a month, one he'd met through an online dating site. He'd also gone on dates with a couple other women and took a female friend to this big fancy event his company has every year after promising me he would not go. I believe him that the only sexual relationship he had was with the month-long Op. At that time, even in therapy, he was saying that he was not in a relationship, meaning he wasn't seeing himself as being with me. I confronted, he admitted, we talked A LOT about it. He blocked her phone numbers (in front of me, his idea). He cut off contact with her and also deleted his online dating profile.
We continued MC, worked on building trust, reconnecting, etc. Progress stalled and stayed that way. In August, I returned from a trip and he told me that he thought he was done trying. We went to MC and ended up agreeing to try a "real" separation without much contact, but with the agreement that sex with anyone else was off-limits. We started off talking once a week, then it slowly increased, then we saw each other and kept seeing each other more frequently. Recently it's been about once every two weeks that we see each other. I know I'm leaving out a LOT, but this is already so long.
Tuesday evening he came over and told me that he tested positive for chlamydia.
About a month and a half ago, he went out after work and was trashed. He ended up receiving oral sex from a random woman at the bar (in the back of her car). I'm devastated. Among other things, I've always been safe and been the "good girl" and done as much right as I could and now I probably have an STD. I got a full panel done and received the results for everything but chlamydia & gonorrhea. My Dr's office won't prescribe an antibiotic unless I test positive for chlamydia, even though I know I've been exposed. The crap I've gone through with my Dr's office is adding to the trauma right now.
Somehow this feels worse. Before, it was planned, thought through. This was acting on drunken impulse. Now I wonder if I could ever trust him again. How could I see him head out for a guys' night and trust that he won't get sucked off in some random chick's car? Could he ever go on a trip with "the guys" and be trustworthy? I mean, I know I don't need to answer these now, but they're the thoughts in my head.
Both times he was just about done with the marriage. This last time the only reason we were trying a separation is because he couldn't answer the therapist with "divorce" when she asked what the next step was, since he was done.
He's in individual therapy and has been for a couple of months. He's actually starting to dig into the deeper issues. He admitted to me that he's probably depressed and I told him he has been for years. He's seeing all the ways he's been a terrible partner even before the separation and cheating. He's seeing even more how good a partner and person I've been. I keep hearing "I don't deserve you" and while maybe he doesn't, that's not helpful.
He truly appears remorseful, but is so scared to try to work on the marriage because of issues that led to us separating. He's been in frequent contact, is answering all my rants and questions even if it's just to acknowledge that he read but cannot yet respond. He knows he hurt me terribly and is working on why with his therapist. I do believe him. I had a sense when he was cheating the last time and I had a sense this time, but this time I dismissed it as paranoia. Now I'm reminded about trusting your gut.
I'm sorry this is so long and rambly, clearly I needed to get it all out. A cup of coffee, tea, or hot cocoa (or something stronger) if you got all the way through it.