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endlessabsurdity posted 11/16/2013 14:02 PM

My dday was 9 months ago. I tried desperately to save my marriage for 6 or 7 months. We were in false reconciliation for 3 months. There were 2 additional ddays. Then I did the 180 with varying degrees of success for the next 3 or 4 months and made it as difficult as possible for her to continue her affair. She was very belligerent and very conflicted, but she was simply incapable of controlling herself no matter how much damage she was causing. I went as far as giving up half my ownership in my business and staying home from work for months to be with my family.

We separated almost three months ago. At the time, we were heading towards divorce but still living in the same house. She wanted me to move out until the divorce was final. I made it absolutely clear to her that if she was the one breaking our family then she would have to move out. I would never leave. She conceded and was looking for an apartment. Then she stayed over at the OMs house one night. On her way home the next morning I told her not to return. It was too painful. I could not allow her to continue benefitting from the life I provide while continuing to see the OM and harm our family.

She left. She tried to get back in the house a few times. She even contacted me to say that everything had changed and that she wanted to make things work. I told her that I had to see consistent action before I could feel safe engaging in a relationship with her again. Within days she was back to wanting a divorce. She finally got settled into an apartment, though it took another month or so before she moved all of her stuff out, which was a bit of an ordeal, but it finally happened. Since then, we have been living as though we are divorced. Finances are separate. Children are 50/50 week on/off.

I have minimized all communication with her to give myself emotional distance to heal. Any communication with her is extremely painful. I've had a few necessary conversations on the phone that were pleasant enough only to get off the phone and collapse into a ball of sadness and anger. We've generally only been communicating about children and divorce preparations. I have been moving on. I am doing much better. I have improved my mental and emotional well-being in so many ways.

We are nearing the end of the divorce negotiations and preparation. I will probably go in early next week and sign a divorce stipulation. The divorce will probably be final within a month. There have been a few issues of communicating back and forth and wrangling over the final details of the paperwork that have been very emotional for me each time. The process has been more arduous and frustrating than it seems like it needs to be, but the truth is that it could be much worse. It probably is much worse typically. To a large degree, my wife and I have been in agreement about the major choices in the divorce. Regardless, every time I have to deal with a substantive divorce-related issue, it rips me up.

What I need right now is some encouragement. I just spent the last hour on the floor crying more intensely than I have in a while. Even though I desperately want to be free of her and know I will probably be far better off without her (I already am), I'm also incredibly sad about what we've lost. I'm sad for my children. I'm sad for my wife. I don't think she has any idea what she has lost and what she is getting herself into. I looked at one of our photo albums. I know I shouldn't have. I remember the person I fell in love with, and I honestly feel at times like I want her back. I still love her. I know I have to let her go, but I feel an urge to call her or text her. Ask her if she really wants to do this. Ask her if she's having any final second thoughts. Ask her why she did this to me, how she could hurt me so bad. I want emotional support from a person that will give me nothing. That kind of communication with her will almost certainly lead to nothing but heartache and suffering.

I could use some encouragement to help get me through these final stages. No matter how many people I talk to and how much support I have around me and how much progress I make, there are still moments of desperate and debilitating loneliness, and it helps to hear from people that know exactly what this feels like.

Stay strong, everyone.

lieshurt posted 11/16/2013 14:29 PM

Endless, you are definitely not alone in this. We are here to help you as much as we can. Yes, it can be a lonely and painful process, but believe me when I say you will will find happiness...and you will find peace.

Sending you good thoughts and prayers.


sleepless34 posted 11/16/2013 14:31 PM

Hang in there. I am so sorry. You are grieving the loss of your family unit, your marriage, your partner and friend. Don't you wish people sent cards and made casseroles like when someone dies?

It is like a death. Maybe worse, because when someone dies your love still goes on, and you have the good memories. In a situation like this, you have no good memories and yet you still have to deal with this person because of the kids. You get all the bad parts and none of the good. I used to wish mine had died before I found out who he was. Then I wouldn't have to share custody or have money issues and wouldn't have to live with the agonizing knowledge of his betrayal. Now, I know I didn't really mean it, but after seeing my neighbors Dad die....I did a lot of comparing.

You are mourning the loss of an entire lifestyle. Your future dreams, past memories, everything has been upended. It takes time. I am right there with you. I don't want mine back, but I am incredibly sad about what I have lost. My kids are devasted, our friends and family are shocked and upset. It is traumatic, it is hard, it is painful.

Don't call her. Keep up the No Contact. She does not get it. She will not be able to hear you, she isn't going to make you feel better and it will only hurt you. She is incapable of comforting you. The answers you seek- AND ME TOO- will come in time from yourself. Not from her.

Stay strong. I am in this sad little boat with you.... same situation

Thefly559 posted 11/16/2013 14:46 PM

Brother. Sorry you are here. Your stbxww is just like mine and the rest of the ww on here. I know your pain well how? , why , ? physical pain from the emotion , I was at my lowest ever in life crawled up in a ball laying in my own vomit. I feel the pain but I am past it now. I never ever thought I would You too will pass it. Focus only on you, what you need , what you want , what is best for your kids . I know it is hard to see it but you will be ok. I still have my moments but now they are once a day or every other day. Much less intense. I wish you all the luck in the world and keep the nc it will help you heal! All the best.

endlessabsurdity posted 11/16/2013 20:06 PM

Lieshurt, truthfully, I am more happy now than I have been in a long time. It is a strange thing to have that much happiness mixed with that much sadness at the same time. Thanks for the thoughts and prayers.

Sleepless34, that's the encouragement I need. I know I need to stay NC. I just need to hear it again sometimes. NC has already helped me get to a much better place. Thanks for cheering me on.

Thefly559, I never actually vomited, though I wanted to. I remember walking to my car after work one day and coughing and retching repeatedly, wanting to vomit just to get the disgust and the sickness out of me. Things are far better now, which is why I need to remain detached and maintain the NC despite these moments.

Thanks for sharing and for your kind thoughts and words.

Nature_Girl posted 11/16/2013 21:21 PM

You're not alone. There is a distant shore, you're heading towards it. Right now you're in the worst of the white-hot pain & grief. Keep going. You'll get out of this.

IrishLass518 posted 11/16/2013 21:23 PM

(((endless))) We have been there on the floor just like you. It does get better, you do heal. I can honestly say that 2 1/2 years later and NC, I am so much happier than I was during the last 3 years of the marriage. I still have days when I miss my best friend, my lover and my man however he chose to be somebody that is nothing like the man he was. I still have moments when I am sad, angry, hurt for the kids, letting them be embroiled in the secrecy of an affair was not healthy. I am happy because I chose to be happy. The kids and I survived and we are beginning to thrive. I still feel so sad for xWH though, I don't know that he will ever realize just how much wonderful he threw away for so little.

PurpleRose posted 11/16/2013 21:57 PM

Endless... Don't do it man. Keep NC.

No contact = No New Hurts.

So many of us have fallen into the trap and broken the NC rule, just to fall even deeper because it hurts so much. It's not worth it. Your WW won't get it. In fact, she will probably get some sick satisfaction from your painful words.

I mourn the loss of my husband too, but he is long gone. He was gone the minute he became a cheater. That is a line he cannot "uncross". It hurts. It makes me cry to remember our lives together, the memories of building our family and love.

But I cannot go back and he is no longer the man I met over 20 years ago. That man, the man who had integrity and honor, is just a memory now. I try really hard not to let that memory drag me to the darkness.

You must remain strong now too. Your "wife" is gone. She is just a memory now. Don't let the memory of what you had destroy the future you must build. Allow yourself to mourn, but do not allow her to torture you by asking her if she really wants this, etc. she is gone now.

You will be ok. Stay strong. No contact will save you from being consumed by her lies. Cry, rant, vent-- here. Not to her. We got you!

[This message edited by PurpleRose at 9:59 PM, November 16th (Saturday)]

SBB posted 11/17/2013 01:01 AM

DD for me was crippling - I threw up at least once a day for weeks. I thought that was the worst of it.

Big surprise for me at the end of False R - that was worse in many ways. I felt duped again AND I realised he didn't give a shit what this was doing to me. That was hard. Still throwing up a few times a week/

Then another big surprise a few months after S when I realised I was D.O.N.E. - the physical pain was astonishing as was the emotional pain. No matter what he did at that point that ship had sunk. All of the 'what ifs' died - I hadn't realised they were still alive.

That was October last year - my rock bottom. I honestly thought it would never end. But it did.

It stopped when I stopped falling off the NC wagon and committed to strict NC just out of sheer willpower well before it was as easy as it is today.

We spent many years looking to these people for support during hard times. Even though many of us didn't get that support we pretended we did.

It is a breaking of old habits - not a measure of how much you loved/love them. Simply a hard habit to break.

Just because they make the decision 'easy' because we have no other choice doesn't mean it isn't painful.

If you've been keeping yourself together by brute force then you will find these crying jags come on out of nowhere and as strong as hell. I realised that in trying to suppress the pain it would build up and spill out everywhere. Now when the bouts of melancholy come I let them wash over me - I shed a tear or two in mourning then I can get on with my day. The frequency is getting further and further apart and the duration is getting shorter and shorter.

It doesn't seem like it but you're getting stronger and more detached each time you end up on the floor. I used to feel angry after being on the floor and it fuelled me to evict this lower muppet from my life. These days it is cleansing - I don't feel angry afterwards. I feel... relief? And further away.

cmego posted 11/17/2013 07:26 AM

I like to say that relationships generally die a slow death.

It would be easier if it were just over in one day, wouldn't it? It is a process, and not linear. You are going to have ups and downs and just realize that is normal and part of the healing process. I learned to just let the bad days happen and not fight them. If I fought feeling bad, it made it worse.

You love who you thought she was, not who she IS. That was also a concept that was hard for me to grasp, but once I did…that helped propel me forward too.

It does get better. Work on finding your happiness, what motivates you, focus on your kids and you will heal.

endlessabsurdity posted 11/18/2013 10:51 AM

IrishLass, in many ways, I'm already much happier and healthier than I was during the past few years of my marriage as well. I've made a lot of very good life changes. I'm exercising more, I'm eating healthier, I'm going to counseling, I'm living more mindfully, and I'm connecting more deeply with my friends and family. Several years down the road can only be better if I stay strong and true to myself. It's crazy how much it hurts, but the suffering is useful. It helped me shed false ideas and illusions much more quickly.

PurpleRose, that's exactly what I needed to hear. Your words are motivating. Sometimes I need someone to just give it to me straight. A few people have done that for me along the way, and it has helped get me out of a funk when I fall into one. I will stay strong and keep NC. I know it is the reason I have made so much progress in the past 3 months.

SBB, I generally let the sadness come and go these days as well. Let it happen when it needs to happen. I was actually quite surprised about the amount of anger I felt this time. Still have a ways to go, but I'm getting there steadily it seems. It's always good to hear from others that are further alone path. Provides hope and motivation.

cmego, it is very helpful to remind myself of that concept, that I love who she was, not who she has become. My wife has acted and communicated in certain ways recently (not just the affair) that makes me grateful that I will not have to deal with her issues anymore. I was always willing to accept her and try to help her, but since she has made it impossible, I can feel free to let go and focus on working on my own issues.

Thanks for the words of encouragement, everyone. I'm going to make it a great week.

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