Hi, I’m new to this forum and not sure how this works, but I’m in desperate need of advice and a place to vent. 5 yrs ago I discovered my husband was having an affair with my younger “sister.” Brief background of wayward sister: she is 10 yrs younger than I, and grew up in separate households. I was close to her when she was a baby (was sort of a 2nd mommy to her), but at a young age our parents separated. When she was around 16 or so, we (hubby/boyfriend at that time & I) welcomed her into our home. We fed her, clothed her as though she was our child. As she got older(college age), I noticed she was often flirting with my husband- giggling, smiling, and fooling around with him. My gut instinct told me something wasn’t right for a long time. She would often look at me in utter annoyance and impatience. I often felt like the third wheel when I came upon them. But I kept telling myself what a terrible sister I was for even thinking that. I often voiced my concerns to hubby and my other sisters who confirmed that she was “odd” around their spouses too. Hubby ended up pretending to have a quarrel with her and told her it was best she stay with another sister. I felt such a relief after she left. Fast forward a few years later, I guess hubby wasn’t able to get her out of his mind, coz I find out they were having an affair. I was utterly devastated. To find out he’s cheating is bad enough, but with your own flesh and blood, it is unbearable. Btw, we have a beautiful, kind, loving and amazing son together. He is amazingly mature beyond his age. Unfortunately on D-day our son,was 12 then, heard the whole screaming fracas. Over the years even before the affair, I’ve known that “sister” was often manipulative, cunning and deceptive. During the affair, she often used and asked our son to persuade us to allow her to stay overnight in our home. Now I know why she was so adamant about staying over. Apparently they would play footsies underneath the table, kiss when I was in another room etc. Despite all the betrayal, I decided to reconcile with hubby, for many reasons among them: our son (main reason), hubby was utterly remorseful and sincere about it, he is the sole breadwinner....Anyway, over the past 5 years after the initial shock, pain, anger wore off, I thought I was healing. I really did. Here is my current situation. I live close to my other sisters who are my best friends and only friends. They are a complete opposite of her. We share the same morals, thinking and upbringing (we all grew up together except for her). We would never betray each other like she would. I’ve encouraged them not to outcast the wayward sister, and to forgive her. For the sake of our father, we have family get togethers and meals like we used to, just to make our dad happy. Our dad visits once in a while, but this time he stayed longer, which triggered this reaction in me. There were more get togethers therefore I had to see her more. So, my problem is this:
1) I am angry all the time now. About literally everything! Worst of all, I don’t know why! Is it from this affair? But why after 5 years, when I thought I was healed? I am 47 yrs old, is it menopause? I checked with the doctor and he said I’m fine (about 6 months ago).
2) I am contemplating divorce. All the get togethers made me even angrier, it brought back painful memories. I would divorce to get away from this nightmare but I would still have to face her for the sake of our dad (and no, I will not disrespect our dad and hurt him anymore than my wayward sis and my hubby have by telling him I refuse to be at the get togethers)
3) Despite the attention my hubby has showered on me, I feel I’ve closed him off and can’t trust him again. I can’t even trust myself coz I didn’t even pick up any signs that there was something going on (except for my gut instinct about my sister’s flirtations before the affair)
Has anyone gone through this? Please help! I’ve seen a therapist, but I came out feeling worse! My dad and all my sisters know about this. In the beginning, I would talk to my sisters but I realized it was a mistake since everyone shunned her and hubby and started taking sides. The fighting made things worse. Yet I can’t talk to anyone outside of my family coz it’s so humiliating. All of us pretty much have the same friends and work in the same environment and they would be really shunned and out casted, maybe even fired. Any advice, help would be greatly appreciated!