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Newest Member: womanoverboard (61125)

User Topic: 5 Yrs later, anger resurfaced
♀ 41367
Member # 41367
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Iím new to this forum and not sure how this works, but Iím in desperate need of advice and a place to vent. 5 yrs ago I discovered my husband was having an affair with my younger ďsister.Ē Brief background of wayward sister: she is 10 yrs younger than I, and grew up in separate households. I was close to her when she was a baby (was sort of a 2nd mommy to her), but at a young age our parents separated. When she was around 16 or so, we (hubby/boyfriend at that time & I) welcomed her into our home. We fed her, clothed her as though she was our child. As she got older(college age), I noticed she was often flirting with my husband- giggling, smiling, and fooling around with him. My gut instinct told me something wasnít right for a long time. She would often look at me in utter annoyance and impatience. I often felt like the third wheel when I came upon them. But I kept telling myself what a terrible sister I was for even thinking that. I often voiced my concerns to hubby and my other sisters who confirmed that she was ďoddĒ around their spouses too. Hubby ended up pretending to have a quarrel with her and told her it was best she stay with another sister. I felt such a relief after she left. Fast forward a few years later, I guess hubby wasnít able to get her out of his mind, coz I find out they were having an affair. I was utterly devastated. To find out heís cheating is bad enough, but with your own flesh and blood, it is unbearable. Btw, we have a beautiful, kind, loving and amazing son together. He is amazingly mature beyond his age. Unfortunately on D-day our son,was 12 then, heard the whole screaming fracas. Over the years even before the affair, Iíve known that ďsisterĒ was often manipulative, cunning and deceptive. During the affair, she often used and asked our son to persuade us to allow her to stay overnight in our home. Now I know why she was so adamant about staying over. Apparently they would play footsies underneath the table, kiss when I was in another room etc. Despite all the betrayal, I decided to reconcile with hubby, for many reasons among them: our son (main reason), hubby was utterly remorseful and sincere about it, he is the sole breadwinner....Anyway, over the past 5 years after the initial shock, pain, anger wore off, I thought I was healing. I really did. Here is my current situation. I live close to my other sisters who are my best friends and only friends. They are a complete opposite of her. We share the same morals, thinking and upbringing (we all grew up together except for her). We would never betray each other like she would. Iíve encouraged them not to outcast the wayward sister, and to forgive her. For the sake of our father, we have family get togethers and meals like we used to, just to make our dad happy. Our dad visits once in a while, but this time he stayed longer, which triggered this reaction in me. There were more get togethers therefore I had to see her more. So, my problem is this:
1) I am angry all the time now. About literally everything! Worst of all, I donít know why! Is it from this affair? But why after 5 years, when I thought I was healed? I am 47 yrs old, is it menopause? I checked with the doctor and he said Iím fine (about 6 months ago).
2) I am contemplating divorce. All the get togethers made me even angrier, it brought back painful memories. I would divorce to get away from this nightmare but I would still have to face her for the sake of our dad (and no, I will not disrespect our dad and hurt him anymore than my wayward sis and my hubby have by telling him I refuse to be at the get togethers)
3) Despite the attention my hubby has showered on me, I feel Iíve closed him off and canít trust him again. I canít even trust myself coz I didnít even pick up any signs that there was something going on (except for my gut instinct about my sisterís flirtations before the affair)
Has anyone gone through this? Please help! Iíve seen a therapist, but I came out feeling worse! My dad and all my sisters know about this. In the beginning, I would talk to my sisters but I realized it was a mistake since everyone shunned her and hubby and started taking sides. The fighting made things worse. Yet I canít talk to anyone outside of my family coz itís so humiliating. All of us pretty much have the same friends and work in the same environment and they would be really shunned and out casted, maybe even fired. Any advice, help would be greatly appreciated!

Posts: 3 | Registered: Nov 2013
♀ 12802
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gheesh louise, that's all kinds of screwed up. I'm so sorry.

Did you (as a couple and/or individually) get professional help, IC or MC, 5 years ago?

The anger might be residual from things that haven't been resolved or addressed, in addition to the constant reminder with having your sister still a part of your lives. I can only imagine how horrible that must if you can't escape it .

Kids on the playground can be so cruel. ďGet off the swings youíre like 50, and stop talking about Soundgarden, we don't even know what that is."

Posts: 14938 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
♀ 26465
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 20+ years out and close to your age 48.
Me I think it is an age thing. It has taken me years to get past my spouses adultery. My only answer was for me to decide if I was staying if I was we needed to resay our vows. Start anew.
If he breaks these vows or if he has lied to me about past adultery info I will divorce him no questions. If he keeps his vows and has told me the truth we stay married.
It could be hormonal. Have you had your hormone levels checked? It could be a chemical imbalance. I had that and thought I was crazy. It was horrible. I went to a great counselor. She did EMDR therapy on me. It saved me. That with the script of paxil. You have every right to want to divorce your spouse. But is it the right answer to divorce him?
I had to search my soul its hard. I wont say it is easy.
I really believe he lives for me. If he stops then well it will be over. Those are my lines in the sand.
I am finally happy.
I hope you find your happy.

There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3225 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
♀ 7726
Member # 7726
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 8 years out and started struggling with my FWH's affair again, too. Your dad staying longer triggered you back. I was triggered back to the affair, too.

I had recently suffered my 3rd miscarriage. We talked about maybe not trying again. In my mind it was a maybe and not for sure. By the end of the week, he told me he was interested in smoking pot again and then I found out he had asked a buddy to help him get some. To me, that was just so damn insensitive! He told me he wouldn't go near the stuff if we were trying. Plus he's lied to me about pot in the past just like he lied during the affair. I triggered bad! I got really angry. Started questioning whether or not I made the right decision in staying with him. Started to withdrawal. It's been 8 months of me not being okay:(

I decided to go to counseling. She brought a lot of good things to light. Like how I tend to go back to the affair instead of dealing with uncertain feelings about current issues with my husband or the marriage. She said it's easy to go back to the affair because I know it well and I know it's something I can be pissed about. Sometimes I'm not sure if it's okay to be pissed about him spending time away from me or smoking pot again (current issues). She told me to really try to differentiate. To stay in the present. To say to my husband, "I want you to have fun with your friends but I don't like you being gone. I'm not sure why I have these feelings, but I do."

She validated my feelings and helped me to see why I am the way I am...and that it was okay.

I also started working out again. Something for me.

I'm doing better but still need to work on not withdrawing (something I never did prior to his affair). I just can't seem to give him my heart back completely. I know I will never be the same and I think I still have a tough time with that. Trusting him again has been difficult. If he's going to be late, I do think about him cheating again. But then I calm myself down by saying, "Okay, he's not treating you like complete dirt anymore. He's not cheating. It's okay."

Someone said healing from adultery is cyclical and I couldn't agree more especially during big life changes or stressors. I know I will probably always trigger but hopefully very rarely and with the tinge of pain only lasting briefly.

Just know you are not alone. I think most of us "old timers" who struggle don't post as often as to not discourage those who are trying to reconcile or who have just found out. I know that's how I've felt and so I read looking for others like myself still struggling so far out. Thanks for being brave!

Edited to add this link. I posted about still struggling back in May and had a lot of great responses. Hope some of them help you, too.

[This message edited by so_lost at 10:18 PM, November 16th (Saturday)]

D-day April 2005, R.
Me-BS 37
Him-FWH 37, 8 month EA/PA with coworker. Married 2 yrs at the time.
2 kiddos after D-day, Married 11 years.

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2005
♀ 7726
Member # 7726
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me again. Thought of two more things.

Maybe give your counselor another change or find a new one. At first, mine pretty much blasted my husband which didn't do me any good. After 2-3 sessions of that, I had to refocus my goals with her.

As far as family gatherings go you have to somehow take care of yourself. That's truly what your dad would want. It could be stepping away with your sisters somewhere else for a bit or having dad leave early. Whatever you need. Maybe your counselor would have some other ideas.

D-day April 2005, R.
Me-BS 37
Him-FWH 37, 8 month EA/PA with coworker. Married 2 yrs at the time.
2 kiddos after D-day, Married 11 years.

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2005
♀ 41367
Member # 41367
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the responses!

I did go for counseling myself but it didn't help. We are planning to go together this time, at least H is willing to do what it takes!

I had my hormone levels checked about 6 mths ago, and doc sd they were fine. I was so confused as to why I was angry. He actually is a good, caring man. "so_lost" my heart goes out to you on your miscarriage, I hope you find peace and heal from your pain. Your therapist made many valid points esp that," it's easy to go back to the affair because I know it well and I know it's something I can be pissed about." Wow, great insight. In retrospect, I've been blaming pretty much everything that doesn't go well on him. I think in order for me to really move on, I'm going to have to truly find out what I'm unhappy about.

Thank you all again for your words of wisdom! Here's to healing and getting stronger!

Posts: 3 | Registered: Nov 2013
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Diane, What were your goals went you were previously in IC? When did you do it? What made you decide it wasn't helping?

IMO, you've probably got a lot of bottled up feelings from the A, which was a double betrayal - not just your H cheating, which is more than hard enough to deal with on its own.

In addition to the bottled up feelings, you've got conflicting ideas about how to handle the sitch (example, most of us want our friends to cut the ap off; you want your sisters to be friendly with your H's ap - I imagine that's hard to live with), and it sounds like you're doubting yourself (which is common to almost all of us).

Bottom line, I suggest starting IC again with the goals of finding bottled up feelings, if any, resolving the conflicts about what to do, and restoring your self-esteem. (This Is JMO - if this doesn't make sense to you, don't do it.)

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 16564 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 40963
Member # 40963
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I have advice, but you might not like it. It doesn't sound fair, and it isn't. But it may help you.

Empathize with your sister. To be totally honest, she sounds like a victim of sexual abuse and/or daddy issues. She also wasn't able or didn't want to live with either of her parents when she was sixteen. Red flag for some big issues.

What she did was horribly inexcusable. But imagine how emotionally screwed up you would have to be to have an A with your brother-in-law? Being her must be pretty horrible... to be that desperate for love.

In order for you to heal, there has to be some level of forgiveness. Not that anyone deserves it, but you sure deserve the peace it brings.

A wise friend once told me that to forgive someone, you have to pray from them. (No, you can't pray that they stop being an asshole, I asked). But through gritted teeth, day after day, you pray for them every way that you can think of.

Like I said, not fair. But this may be the way that healing works.

Posts: 118 | Registered: Oct 2013
♀ 25280
Member # 25280
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad I read this today-I feel like I'm not alone in my dilemma. It's been almost 5 years for me, and just recently I have had such a hard time again-the crying,inability to have sex and thinking about it. It's so frustrating just when you think your healing and moving on somehting comes along to remind you yor not. I heard that it takes 2-5 years to recovery so as I come up on year 5 I thought I would feel different, better- but it still tugs at me and despite all my efforts feels like it's putting a wedge in the marriage again. I can't talk to him about it anymore we have talked till there are no words, I can not have this discussion again all the same things will be said as they have before. I feel embarrased that 5 years out this still is effecting me in this way, I'm thinking of going to see a therapist. I wish I had some positive words for you but just know this is "normal" I guess and we will weather it as we have everything else. your post has helped me not feel so crazy

Posts: 80 | Registered: Aug 2009
♀ 41367
Member # 41367
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm definitely conflicted with my emotions. I yo-yo between anger and empathy. Believe it or not, I actually do pray for her (and H) and feel sorry for them, they've had to pay a very heavy price. I don't wish anyone ill, including them, but it doesn't mean I don't feel the pain and anger they've inflicted on me. I actually thought I had pretty much healed and the past was just a distant memory. But just having to be around her that much, must have brought back the anger and pain. So I know I'm not truly over it. At least, I think that's the root of my anger, since I felt angry about everything and everyone. I have to honestly say though, after writing on this forum, I actually see it clearer, and my anger actually has subsided. Getting advice and actually writing it down seems to bring some sense in my confusion. BTW, she was not sexually abused. We have/had (mom passed away the same year we discovered the affair-but she didn't know about it, thank God!) very loving parents and the reason she came to live with us was to better her education.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Nov 2013
Topic Posts: 10

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