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Newest Member: timeheals (61501)

User Topic: Looking for the Y's
♂ 39769
Member # 39769
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been doing a lot of thinking recently nd people on here are always going on about the y's, ie Y did I do it, I started writing about what went on im my life and try \nd find out, what sort of person I had become, who was me !!

When I was young , I never got the close love from my parents, my dad jusy saw me as a pain and was never one for showing any love at all, not even to my mum, I could never do anything right by him.

When I joined clubs, ie Karate, I was very good at it and always went in for competitions, did my parents ever come, NO, Never, I was always left on my own with my friends and their parents, once, I won a fighting competition against a very good fighter, I was awarded a huge trophy, who did I have to share the moment with, No One, just me on my own, yes when I got home, I told them and showed them the trophy, not much was said, No big praise or anything, Y did I bother.

I did American Football (a sport I really enjoyed playing), again, did my parents come to the games, NO.......sorry, once my mum came and that was it, again, left to celebrate winning on my own. I will say this though, my dad took me to the sports shop to buy the equipment and my mum drew an eagle on the vest we had to wear, practical things.

Looking back, I was left to my own devices a lot, and no, there was very little love shown, only when I did something wrong was I shown emotion, "Get to your bedroom, and only come down when your sorry".

When my motorbike was stolen out of the garage, my dads immediate response was to have a go at my mum saying, "your bloody son is an idiot, he has gone out on that bike with no insurance", my mum said I was in the house, he checked and THEN asked, where is your bike, I said in garage. Turns out, he left garage open when he took car out and then someone saw the bike and stole it.

I guess, writing this has made me see why I needed external validation, I didn't get it from my own family, I became a joker and people pleaser, just to get the attention & people would see me.

WH (Me) 42
BS 37 (Olwen)
DS 10 1/2
Married : 14 Yrs
Together : 19 Yrs
A lot of TT's

Our choices are our own, Nobody made us do it.

Posts: 30 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: England
♂ 32590
Member # 32590
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for sharing those painful moments when your family was not there for you. I know for myself that these moments affect how I treated myself and how I treated others. I have learned from the suffering of others like you who are willing to share their experiences that I am the best thing I have. I am free to chose to be better, to chose not to hurt myself and others. I can understand and respect how others carry the suffering in their lives. I can discover why I made unhealthy choices. I am sure this happening for you too. Be safe and be free. Thank you for your post.

WH 63
BS 52
No Children

Together 17 years
Married 7/21/2001

D-day#1 03/01/2011
D-day#2 7/8/2015
D-day#3 9/3/2015

Posts: 796 | Registered: Jun 2011
♂ 38348
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel very similar (though, obviously, not identical) to your story.

Have you considered reaching out to your family? Letting them know how they've treated you and how you've forgiven them (if you have)?

I know I've been working on these things, because they're part of my FOO issues. You may need to work on something similar to make yourself whole, or you may not. I can't profess to understand you. I can just tell you what's working for me.

Every week, I try to do one thing that will improve my relationship with my FOO, and I occasionally do one a day.

Me: WS 34
Her: BS 37 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 7yo
M: 9 years
DDays: 2012/11/14-2013/02/05, 2013/03/09, 2016/02/19

Posts: 824 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
♀ 21761
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry for your parents' callousness toward you. It is their loss to not realize what a wonderful child they had in you.

I hope that you can validate yourself - be proud of all that you have accomplished.

"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6421 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
♀ 28156
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks. I never understood why my H always needed validation. You discribed his family exactly. I also had the same family. I never need validation. I could put blame on alcoholic parenting. He had no label to blame. There was no excuse for his familys behavoir.

a trigger yesterday

Posts: 2985 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
♂ 41255
Member # 41255
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate to your story. I too feel a need to external validation and attention. I believe these feelings come from drug addicted parents who where too consumed by their own issues to show any real love and attention to me. What I don't have figured out is the next level. Yes I am messed up from childhood and constantly seeking approval but why did this turn into an affair. I still knew what I was dong was wrong and did it anyway. Have you reached out to your parents about your childhood?

Me - WH 44
Her - BS 45
Married 19 years
D-Day 5/18/13 5 year LTA

Posts: 16 | Registered: Nov 2013
♂ 26859
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SL, I'm sorry your parents weren't there for you in the way you needed them to be. It seems lots of us can understand that.

Just want to say that I like KB's idea:

Have you considered reaching out to your family? Letting them know how they've treated you and how you've forgiven them (if you have)?

In fact, I did this, and what happened wasn't what I expected.

If you do reach out to your folks, don't be surprised if they don't understand or if they reply by saying "Of course we loved and supported you" even though your post shows us they weren't. I honestly believe most of the parents out there aren't able to understand what they've done to their kids. (please don't think I'm calling all parents out here...I'm not...and I am planning on starting an IC fund for both my kids...j/k )

Anyway, what helped me was when I realized that my parents did the best they could given the tools that were given them from their parents, and so on down the line. And this is the really hard part where I kept stumbling...even given your childhood experiences, you still had the ability to make the necessary changes before you had an A.

It's really confusing. You're messed up, and you had the ability to make changes, but at the same time, given your life experiences, you probably didn't even realize there were any changes to make in the first place. So, just sit back and ponder for a while. Finding your why's can take a while.

WH - 46 (crap...)
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6114 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Tri-Cities
Topic Posts: 7

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