[This message edited by broken <3 at 6:14 PM, November 16th (Saturday)]
He doesn't want to confront them
Why do you think that is? Did you ask him?
IMO, people that are not friends of the marriage, should no longer remain friends.
[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 8:52 PM, November 16th (Saturday)]
While I don't feel there is any need for your H to "confront" his friends of the A (what would he confront them over?), I absolutely feel that they should be cut out of his life. A person with addiction issues does not hang out with people they know will enable/encourage him to drink, right?
In my marriage, my FWH began hanging out with an entirely new group of "friends" (co-workers) prior to and during his A. One of the guys even "set him up" with OW (and yes, they all knew me). When we began to R, these people were completely cut out of his life. They never even asked why, they KNEW.
I wouldn't ask my H to take them out of his phone (unless he knows their number by heart and will recognize it should they contact him), but definitely off of Facebook and out of his social circle.
Friends of the A are not friends of the M. And honestly, they're not even really friends.
Madhatters. More Ddays than birthdays, at this point.
[This message edited by broken <3 at 9:44 PM, November 16th (Saturday)]
I absolutely feel that they should be cut out of his life. A person with addiction issues does not hang out with people they know will enable/encourage him to drink, right?
I completely agree with this. I know it sounds drastic, but I just couldn't tolerate having anyone in our life that would condone this behavior from anyone. Crazz told 2 friends about the A before DDay, and they both discouraged him (in their own, weak way... mergh) At first I was angry at both of them, especially his best friend, but it became quite clear that they did not approve but weren't going to intervene because it was an awful position to be put in. If anyone had encouraged or overlooked it, I would consider them toxic to our marriage to this day.
It sounds like you have no control over his contact with them, but you need to ask yourself where you want to draw the line with this. I wish he had more compassion for you in this regard. I would be very hurt.
Woah! That feels better!
I would give any true friend of mine a reality check, if they were involved in an affair. Truly loving and caring about a friend does NOT mean supporting them through self-destructive behavior or behavior that is hurting innocent children or spouse.
What the heck is so wrong about saying to a friend"i care about you which is why I am going to to do the right thing here and protect the innocent people involved here".
Supporting horrible behavior is not being a true friend. It is getting off on the drama, its selfish, a sort of "glad this crap isn't happening to me" attitude. Its actually enjoying a friends misfortune instead of wanting their happiness.
You can be a friend, and slap them into reality. True friendship and tough love actually can co-exist. It IS their business. If they are butting in enough to support the affair...then they can butt in enough to protect the innocents involved.
I wasn't sure whether or not you would hear from me, and I wasn't sure if I would contact you either. Firstly, please let me "throw the rat on the table", so to speak, just so you can hopefully understand me, and my feelings a bit better. I am not angry with you. Period. At all. I felt it necessary, for my own healing, to let you know that. Although you and I are not "close" friends, I do consider you a friend, as well as a colleague. Not to mention, I do consider you one of XXXX's good, close friends. I was honestly hoping to avoid any awkwardness with you, so I thought this may be the best way to go about this. After this weekend, I am a big fan of writing letters- (just ask XXXX : )
Well, with that being said, where do I begin? I do NOT blame you, whatsoever, for my problems with my wife. Please believe me when I tell you that. My problems and issues with her, and her lover, are mine to own- and I own them, 100%. It is really important for me to try to get that across to you. In addition to not blaming you, I am also NOT angry with you- at all. For anything. Please believe me when I tell you that. It is honest, sincere, and from my heart to yours. Although I did not feel you and I needed it, it is an extended hand of friendship and an olive branch. I needed to tell you this. I needed to get that off my conscience. I know that she has shared with you that she told me and shared the fact that she has a lover and has been seeing him for quite some time. I don't know how your past marriage and relationships have been, and although not my business, maybe I can let you know about me a bit, so maybe you can understand the dynamics between XXXX and I, because I know you care for her so, so much. Hey, that is one thing we have in common- we both love XXXX to pieces and want nothing but what is best for XXXX. I don't know if she told you of my reaction or not, after she told me. I did not get angry, mad, pout, sulk or cry. I thanked her. I thanked her for having the courage to tell me. That was a really big thing for XXXX, as she has a hard time opening up. To anyone. She told me, not to hurt me. She told me because she loves me and cares for me. I genuinely hope that you can see this as well. If she did not care, she would have lied about it. No harm- no foul. Not only is she my wife, but she will even admit it to you, we had a marriage that was based on a real foundation of friendship.Trish- I KNOW that you know this. You saw it. You saw how I cared for her. I care for her. I not only love her- I genuinely like her. As a person. That is not something new, that came about after this past weekend. It has always been that way between us, and she will readily admit it. She was hurting. She is -(and maybe surprising to you), was since we met- my best friend. I did not want to see my best friend hurt so badly and it hurt me to see her like this. Much the same way our son fell from his bike in our driveway and really cut his leg last summer and I hurt as badly as he did. The same way I felt when our daughter came to me and told me she did not like herself, her looks, her body, and that she felt she was "fat". That hurt me. I hurt in those situations as badly as my children- if not more. Same goes for XXXX. I hurt for her. In some weird way, I almost feel that I hurt worse. You are a parent- I know that you know exactly the feeling that I am trying to describe. Where do she and I go from here? Baby steps, and led wherever we feel God is leading us. I really felt that I had to contact you. Although you are not part of this miserable, sad, devastating mess, you were there. You were not part of it, but you were part of the "mechanism". You knew. I really respect the devotedness and confidence of your friendship with her. Through all of our literal hours of talking, I brought you up to XXXX in regards to this situation. Never negatively- ever. I told her that I felt sorry that you were put in such a position. In such a position, and your friendship with her was so strong that you NEVER once violated the trust she had in you. Trish, I sincerely mean it when I tell you that I can only pray to God and hope that my friendships with my friends are that strong, have that level of trust and faithfulness and steadfastness. You are a good friend to her and I hope that this does not negatively impact your friendship with her. I really mean that. I expressed this to XXXX and I told her that it is so hard to find friends in this world, let alone good friends that can be such a true confidant, and hold such an absolutely devastating, terrible, life shattering, destroying secret in confidence. I would not want to be in your shoes. I tried to empathize with you, and put myself in your shoes, and frankly- I don't think I could have done it. I know that it had to hurt you. Well, it is in the open now, so it doesn't have to hurt you. I could not imagine myself in your shoes and seeing me. Seeing me come to your office, not to "check on her", but to stop and say hi. To have me grab lunch that day and bring it in a few months ago, and sit with me at the conference table and eat with me. To sit right across from me and chit chat about nothing at all, and not be able to say anything. I remember at least one occasion where XXXX was not in and I stopped in and sat back with you talking about work, and life, and such. To meet at the picnic this summer and spend the afternoon - the three of us. The Christmas parties, all of it. What an un-enviable position to be in. I apologize that you were in that position. Since I do also consider you to be my friend as well- (I hope), I am sure that you are curious to know how I feel. Not in regards to XXXX- that is between she and I, but how I feel in regards to the part of this mess that involves you. I am embarrassed. Ashamed. I am embarrassed to have you see me, or talk to me. Have you ever seen a woman come out of the bathroom and trailing toilet paper, or maybe her dress is tucked into her pantyhose in the back and she doesn't know it? But others see it? And she walks out, and people are laughing at her behind her back. Laughing, but no one will tell her? Finally, after some time, she finds out. And tries to correct it. But the damage is done. They are laughing. And she is embarrassed. And ashamed. That is how I feel right now, in respect to our friendship. I am sorry. Truly, painfully sorry- to the core of my being. I honestly hope that you will take this email to you in the spirit it was intended.
Sounds like he needs to get his priorities in order.
"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."