This one hit home for me. My wife worked in a small 2 person office, and her co worker, another woman, knew all about my wife's 3 year affair and said NOTHING to me. We saw her and her spouse socially, and I even considered her a friend as well. I knew her before she had even known my wife. I was pissed to the nth degree and I needed to let her know how I felt. Shortly after Dday, I sent her an email. I needed to get it off my chest. Even if she did not tell me, for Gawd's sake, she could of at LEAST hinted to me that something was going on. My wife has since left her job, and do I hate this other former friend? Absolutely. Forever. She knew about the 3 year joke where I was the butt of the joke and said nothing. I wish nothing but bad things for her. Also, she had been betrayed by her ex husband, and knows how bad an A hurts, but chose to say nothing to me. Here is a copy of the email I sent her a month after Dday.
Dear Trish,
Hi there,
I wasn't sure whether or not you would hear from me, and I wasn't sure if I would contact you either. Firstly, please let me "throw the rat on the table", so to speak, just so you can hopefully understand me, and my feelings a bit better. I am not angry with you. Period. At all. I felt it necessary, for my own healing, to let you know that. Although you and I are not "close" friends, I do consider you a friend, as well as a colleague. Not to mention, I do consider you one of XXXX's good, close friends. I was honestly hoping to avoid any awkwardness with you, so I thought this may be the best way to go about this. After this weekend, I am a big fan of writing letters- (just ask XXXX : )
Well, with that being said, where do I begin? I do NOT blame you, whatsoever, for my problems with my wife. Please believe me when I tell you that. My problems and issues with her, and her lover, are mine to own- and I own them, 100%. It is really important for me to try to get that across to you. In addition to not blaming you, I am also NOT angry with you- at all. For anything. Please believe me when I tell you that. It is honest, sincere, and from my heart to yours. Although I did not feel you and I needed it, it is an extended hand of friendship and an olive branch. I needed to tell you this. I needed to get that off my conscience. I know that she has shared with you that she told me and shared the fact that she has a lover and has been seeing him for quite some time. I don't know how your past marriage and relationships have been, and although not my business, maybe I can let you know about me a bit, so maybe you can understand the dynamics between XXXX and I, because I know you care for her so, so much. Hey, that is one thing we have in common- we both love XXXX to pieces and want nothing but what is best for XXXX. I don't know if she told you of my reaction or not, after she told me. I did not get angry, mad, pout, sulk or cry. I thanked her. I thanked her for having the courage to tell me. That was a really big thing for XXXX, as she has a hard time opening up. To anyone. She told me, not to hurt me. She told me because she loves me and cares for me. I genuinely hope that you can see this as well. If she did not care, she would have lied about it. No harm- no foul. Not only is she my wife, but she will even admit it to you, we had a marriage that was based on a real foundation of friendship.Trish- I KNOW that you know this. You saw it. You saw how I cared for her. I care for her. I not only love her- I genuinely like her. As a person. That is not something new, that came about after this past weekend. It has always been that way between us, and she will readily admit it. She was hurting. She is -(and maybe surprising to you), was since we met- my best friend. I did not want to see my best friend hurt so badly and it hurt me to see her like this. Much the same way our son fell from his bike in our driveway and really cut his leg last summer and I hurt as badly as he did. The same way I felt when our daughter came to me and told me she did not like herself, her looks, her body, and that she felt she was "fat". That hurt me. I hurt in those situations as badly as my children- if not more. Same goes for XXXX. I hurt for her. In some weird way, I almost feel that I hurt worse. You are a parent- I know that you know exactly the feeling that I am trying to describe. Where do she and I go from here? Baby steps, and led wherever we feel God is leading us. I really felt that I had to contact you. Although you are not part of this miserable, sad, devastating mess, you were there. You were not part of it, but you were part of the "mechanism". You knew. I really respect the devotedness and confidence of your friendship with her. Through all of our literal hours of talking, I brought you up to XXXX in regards to this situation. Never negatively- ever. I told her that I felt sorry that you were put in such a position. In such a position, and your friendship with her was so strong that you NEVER once violated the trust she had in you. Trish, I sincerely mean it when I tell you that I can only pray to God and hope that my friendships with my friends are that strong, have that level of trust and faithfulness and steadfastness. You are a good friend to her and I hope that this does not negatively impact your friendship with her. I really mean that. I expressed this to XXXX and I told her that it is so hard to find friends in this world, let alone good friends that can be such a true confidant, and hold such an absolutely devastating, terrible, life shattering, destroying secret in confidence. I would not want to be in your shoes. I tried to empathize with you, and put myself in your shoes, and frankly- I don't think I could have done it. I know that it had to hurt you. Well, it is in the open now, so it doesn't have to hurt you. I could not imagine myself in your shoes and seeing me. Seeing me come to your office, not to "check on her", but to stop and say hi. To have me grab lunch that day and bring it in a few months ago, and sit with me at the conference table and eat with me. To sit right across from me and chit chat about nothing at all, and not be able to say anything. I remember at least one occasion where XXXX was not in and I stopped in and sat back with you talking about work, and life, and such. To meet at the picnic this summer and spend the afternoon - the three of us. The Christmas parties, all of it. What an un-enviable position to be in. I apologize that you were in that position. Since I do also consider you to be my friend as well- (I hope), I am sure that you are curious to know how I feel. Not in regards to XXXX- that is between she and I, but how I feel in regards to the part of this mess that involves you. I am embarrassed. Ashamed. I am embarrassed to have you see me, or talk to me. Have you ever seen a woman come out of the bathroom and trailing toilet paper, or maybe her dress is tucked into her pantyhose in the back and she doesn't know it? But others see it? And she walks out, and people are laughing at her behind her back. Laughing, but no one will tell her? Finally, after some time, she finds out. And tries to correct it. But the damage is done. They are laughing. And she is embarrassed. And ashamed. That is how I feel right now, in respect to our friendship. I am sorry. Truly, painfully sorry- to the core of my being. I honestly hope that you will take this email to you in the spirit it was intended.