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broken <3 posted 11/16/2013 18:11 PM

Ok I haven't posted for quite some time. I'm having concerns in regards to his A friends (this is those that may have known about it or even encouraged it). He doesn't want to confront them and in my opinion that means he's keeping the door open ever so slightly to his old life. He still has them on his phone (in fact they text on occasion) and he now has a new phone for Facebook and other social media (something I'm very wary about given his past indiscretions on the internet). So basically - even though he "doesn't go out of his way to contact them" (his words) he still sees them every day so to speak. In fact a few months ago his "friend" gave us a swing for the twins - something I vehemently opposed but he picked it up anyways.
Starting to ramble now - but the gist of these so call friends and his FOO is him trying to impress them etc is in my profile. I'm just so exhausted seemingly having 3 kids instead of "just twins".

[This message edited by broken <3 at 6:14 PM, November 16th (Saturday)]

broken <3 posted 11/16/2013 20:42 PM


HardenMyHeart posted 11/16/2013 20:51 PM

(((Broken<3))) So sorry for what you are going through. The weekends are generally slow on SI. You may get more responses during the weekdays. If you don't get a lot of responses, trying bumping this thread on Monday.

He doesn't want to confront them

Why do you think that is? Did you ask him?

IMO, people that are not friends of the marriage, should no longer remain friends.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 8:52 PM, November 16th (Saturday)]

Want2help posted 11/16/2013 21:27 PM

I'm so sorry, Broken.

While I don't feel there is any need for your H to "confront" his friends of the A (what would he confront them over?), I absolutely feel that they should be cut out of his life. A person with addiction issues does not hang out with people they know will enable/encourage him to drink, right?

In my marriage, my FWH began hanging out with an entirely new group of "friends" (co-workers) prior to and during his A. One of the guys even "set him up" with OW (and yes, they all knew me). When we began to R, these people were completely cut out of his life. They never even asked why, they KNEW.

I wouldn't ask my H to take them out of his phone (unless he knows their number by heart and will recognize it should they contact him), but definitely off of Facebook and out of his social circle.

Friends of the A are not friends of the M. And honestly, they're not even really friends.

broken <3 posted 11/16/2013 21:40 PM

Oops hit submit by accident.

[This message edited by broken <3 at 9:44 PM, November 16th (Saturday)]

broken <3 posted 11/16/2013 21:44 PM

Personally I'd LOVE to give them a piece of my mind! But I know that would just make them smirk even more on the inside (and perhaps on the outside too - they're just that kind of "people").
In the end my anger is to be placed squarely on my boyfriend and that's a hard place for me. I've always protected him from things and it's foreign to me to have such contempt toward him (I'm not even sure we'll make it quite frankly).
I'll be sure to bump this on Monday - I've been told before about slow weekends :)

Jrazz posted 11/16/2013 21:48 PM

I'm sorry about the slow weekend - Broken <3. As it gets closer to the holidays the weekends tend to be even quieter.

I absolutely feel that they should be cut out of his life. A person with addiction issues does not hang out with people they know will enable/encourage him to drink, right?

I completely agree with this. I know it sounds drastic, but I just couldn't tolerate having anyone in our life that would condone this behavior from anyone. Crazz told 2 friends about the A before DDay, and they both discouraged him (in their own, weak way... mergh) At first I was angry at both of them, especially his best friend, but it became quite clear that they did not approve but weren't going to intervene because it was an awful position to be put in. If anyone had encouraged or overlooked it, I would consider them toxic to our marriage to this day.

It sounds like you have no control over his contact with them, but you need to ask yourself where you want to draw the line with this. I wish he had more compassion for you in this regard. I would be very hurt.

(((broken <3)))

mchercheur posted 11/16/2013 22:07 PM

Friends of the A are not friends of the marriage.
True friends do not encourage their friends to betray themselves.

housenotahome posted 11/16/2013 22:14 PM

Sometimes it's hard to give up friends. It's like admitting to yourself that you are a poor judge of character and that once again, you were wrong. However, these are not his friends. Real friends do not interlope into your M and contribute to your downfall for their own entertainment. I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope he gets his priorities right. He can choose to be a good husband and father or king of the losers.

broken <3 posted 11/16/2013 23:01 PM

I just want them to go away! Stay away from me and my little girls! I don't want a baby swing from you, I don't want to see your texts wishing him a happy birthday (when 3 years ago you encouraged him to lie and sneak around behind my back for a guys only trip to Vegas) I don't want to see any of the stupid looser shit show on Facebook about their pathetic lives and how one of them continues to be a super douche supreme to his wife and kids. And I definitely DONT WANT them to see my life anymore through pictures of me with my girls etc etc

broken <3 posted 11/16/2013 23:02 PM

Woah! That feels better!

housenotahome posted 11/16/2013 23:14 PM

Woah! That feels better!

Amen! I hope they disappear. You deserve your privacy and peace. I feel sorry for people who immerse themselves in other peoples lives where they're unwanted. Clueless

brokengrandma52 posted 11/16/2013 23:22 PM

You should not have to have anything to do with the people who disrespected you so badly with the help of your significant other. My FWH had a friend for 30 years who knew about my husbands slide down the slippery slope to adultery and the devastation of our marriage. I do not want him to see them or even hear about those so called friends. I changed the name of his friend to blank and his Ho blank blank in my h phone. So if he thinks about calling the old friend....he stops and realizes that it makes me crazy if I even consider them talking or being friends again. Those people disrespected you. They have no business being in your life! Tell your significant other to stay away from those people if he wants a relationship with you!

brokengrandma52 posted 11/16/2013 23:26 PM

Just retread your post.....thought it was your BF, not your husband....same advice though!!! It is tough to try to raise two little babies and go through this stress. Good luck to you...chin up as my Gran used to say!

broken <3 posted 11/16/2013 23:40 PM

Yes we were engaged and within 2 MONTHS he planned and implemented a trip to Vegas with them behind my back and with our tax return $$ (as he was unemployed at the time). I was not only not allowed to go but their lovely advice to my boyfriend/fiancé - whatever - was to do it anyways - I was just a controlling bitch that needed to be put in her place. This after I carefully and lovingly planned his 30th birthday to boot. Then it gets worse - when he up and abandoned me when I needed him after a miscarriage they continued to harass me through online games that we played together and even drove down my alley a few times when he was at my house. Because, you see, they were "saving him" and he "went right back to HER".
Who needs enemies when you've got friends like that hey?

Spelljean posted 11/17/2013 00:12 AM

IMO, friends of the affair can take a hike. They piss me off almost as much as WH and OW.

I would give any true friend of mine a reality check, if they were involved in an affair. Truly loving and caring about a friend does NOT mean supporting them through self-destructive behavior or behavior that is hurting innocent children or spouse.

What the heck is so wrong about saying to a friend"i care about you which is why I am going to to do the right thing here and protect the innocent people involved here".

Supporting horrible behavior is not being a true friend. It is getting off on the drama, its selfish, a sort of "glad this crap isn't happening to me" attitude. Its actually enjoying a friends misfortune instead of wanting their happiness.

You can be a friend, and slap them into reality. True friendship and tough love actually can co-exist. It IS their business. If they are butting in enough to support the affair...then they can butt in enough to protect the innocents involved.

Nailinmyforehead posted 11/17/2013 05:48 AM

This one hit home for me. My wife worked in a small 2 person office, and her co worker, another woman, knew all about my wife's 3 year affair and said NOTHING to me. We saw her and her spouse socially, and I even considered her a friend as well. I knew her before she had even known my wife. I was pissed to the nth degree and I needed to let her know how I felt. Shortly after Dday, I sent her an email. I needed to get it off my chest. Even if she did not tell me, for Gawd's sake, she could of at LEAST hinted to me that something was going on. My wife has since left her job, and do I hate this other former friend? Absolutely. Forever. She knew about the 3 year joke where I was the butt of the joke and said nothing. I wish nothing but bad things for her. Also, she had been betrayed by her ex husband, and knows how bad an A hurts, but chose to say nothing to me. Here is a copy of the email I sent her a month after Dday.

Dear Trish,

Hi there,
I wasn't sure whether or not you would hear from me, and I wasn't sure if I would contact you either. Firstly, please let me "throw the rat on the table", so to speak, just so you can hopefully understand me, and my feelings a bit better. I am not angry with you. Period. At all. I felt it necessary, for my own healing, to let you know that. Although you and I are not "close" friends, I do consider you a friend, as well as a colleague. Not to mention, I do consider you one of XXXX's good, close friends. I was honestly hoping to avoid any awkwardness with you, so I thought this may be the best way to go about this. After this weekend, I am a big fan of writing letters- (just ask XXXX : )
Well, with that being said, where do I begin? I do NOT blame you, whatsoever, for my problems with my wife. Please believe me when I tell you that. My problems and issues with her, and her lover, are mine to own- and I own them, 100%. It is really important for me to try to get that across to you. In addition to not blaming you, I am also NOT angry with you- at all. For anything. Please believe me when I tell you that. It is honest, sincere, and from my heart to yours. Although I did not feel you and I needed it, it is an extended hand of friendship and an olive branch. I needed to tell you this. I needed to get that off my conscience. I know that she has shared with you that she told me and shared the fact that she has a lover and has been seeing him for quite some time. I don't know how your past marriage and relationships have been, and although not my business, maybe I can let you know about me a bit, so maybe you can understand the dynamics between XXXX and I, because I know you care for her so, so much. Hey, that is one thing we have in common- we both love XXXX to pieces and want nothing but what is best for XXXX. I don't know if she told you of my reaction or not, after she told me. I did not get angry, mad, pout, sulk or cry. I thanked her. I thanked her for having the courage to tell me. That was a really big thing for XXXX, as she has a hard time opening up. To anyone. She told me, not to hurt me. She told me because she loves me and cares for me. I genuinely hope that you can see this as well. If she did not care, she would have lied about it. No harm- no foul. Not only is she my wife, but she will even admit it to you, we had a marriage that was based on a real foundation of friendship.Trish- I KNOW that you know this. You saw it. You saw how I cared for her. I care for her. I not only love her- I genuinely like her. As a person. That is not something new, that came about after this past weekend. It has always been that way between us, and she will readily admit it. She was hurting. She is -(and maybe surprising to you), was since we met- my best friend. I did not want to see my best friend hurt so badly and it hurt me to see her like this. Much the same way our son fell from his bike in our driveway and really cut his leg last summer and I hurt as badly as he did. The same way I felt when our daughter came to me and told me she did not like herself, her looks, her body, and that she felt she was "fat". That hurt me. I hurt in those situations as badly as my children- if not more. Same goes for XXXX. I hurt for her. In some weird way, I almost feel that I hurt worse. You are a parent- I know that you know exactly the feeling that I am trying to describe. Where do she and I go from here? Baby steps, and led wherever we feel God is leading us. I really felt that I had to contact you. Although you are not part of this miserable, sad, devastating mess, you were there. You were not part of it, but you were part of the "mechanism". You knew. I really respect the devotedness and confidence of your friendship with her. Through all of our literal hours of talking, I brought you up to XXXX in regards to this situation. Never negatively- ever. I told her that I felt sorry that you were put in such a position. In such a position, and your friendship with her was so strong that you NEVER once violated the trust she had in you. Trish, I sincerely mean it when I tell you that I can only pray to God and hope that my friendships with my friends are that strong, have that level of trust and faithfulness and steadfastness. You are a good friend to her and I hope that this does not negatively impact your friendship with her. I really mean that. I expressed this to XXXX and I told her that it is so hard to find friends in this world, let alone good friends that can be such a true confidant, and hold such an absolutely devastating, terrible, life shattering, destroying secret in confidence. I would not want to be in your shoes. I tried to empathize with you, and put myself in your shoes, and frankly- I don't think I could have done it. I know that it had to hurt you. Well, it is in the open now, so it doesn't have to hurt you. I could not imagine myself in your shoes and seeing me. Seeing me come to your office, not to "check on her", but to stop and say hi. To have me grab lunch that day and bring it in a few months ago, and sit with me at the conference table and eat with me. To sit right across from me and chit chat about nothing at all, and not be able to say anything. I remember at least one occasion where XXXX was not in and I stopped in and sat back with you talking about work, and life, and such. To meet at the picnic this summer and spend the afternoon - the three of us. The Christmas parties, all of it. What an un-enviable position to be in. I apologize that you were in that position. Since I do also consider you to be my friend as well- (I hope), I am sure that you are curious to know how I feel. Not in regards to XXXX- that is between she and I, but how I feel in regards to the part of this mess that involves you. I am embarrassed. Ashamed. I am embarrassed to have you see me, or talk to me. Have you ever seen a woman come out of the bathroom and trailing toilet paper, or maybe her dress is tucked into her pantyhose in the back and she doesn't know it? But others see it? And she walks out, and people are laughing at her behind her back. Laughing, but no one will tell her? Finally, after some time, she finds out. And tries to correct it. But the damage is done. They are laughing. And she is embarrassed. And ashamed. That is how I feel right now, in respect to our friendship. I am sorry. Truly, painfully sorry- to the core of my being. I honestly hope that you will take this email to you in the spirit it was intended.

broken <3 posted 11/17/2013 18:36 PM

^this took a lot of heart. Thanks for sharing.

BeyondBreaking posted 11/17/2013 21:20 PM

I don't think I would want to keep anyone in my life who was not a friend of my marriage. I don't think someone who is encouraging the utter and complete disrespect of me and our marriage vows a friend, or a friend of our marriage. I also don't consider anyone who participated in endangering my life and lying to me to be a friend to my marriage (and yes, I consider omissions lies) or a friend to me.

Sounds like he needs to get his priorities in order.

broken <3 posted 11/18/2013 08:38 AM

Thanks everyone for your words - it means a lot to me. I feel so alone. Now that my girls are born - I don't have the $$ nor the time for therapy outside what my insurance wants and needs me to do. (Long term disability). I'm sleep deprived - sorry if this isn't making sense. What I'm getting at is SI is my sounding board right now and thank you for taking the time to read and respond. I don't know what to do anymore.

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