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Spoke to OW..

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storm77 posted 11/16/2013 20:23 PM

So today I spoke to OW.
My H called her from Old Navy. She didn't answer but called him right back. I answered the phone as OC needs a coat. Still needs a coat and it is Nov in Chicago. Both OW and H are dumb..dumb.dumb. I asked if this is OW she said yes and I said this is H' wife. She then sounded frazzled. I asked what size coat her child wore as we were in the store. I then asked if she child was true to size. She could not answer and said I think you are breaking up. (Sure we are breaking She then said I don't know why H had you call. I let her know that he did not but I am the one who does all the shopping she was going to have to talk to me. She then said I don't know why H had you call. I let her know that her know that he did not but I am the one who does all the shopping. She tried to get an attitude but I just kept on talking. I then asked if the cloths from Target fit or if they were too big or too small. She then said she was small as she weighs 26 pounds. OW said she just gets cloths from Burlington and to just give her a gift receipt. She still had a attitude so I asked her why? She said she did not have a attitude. I said if that the case then we will just move on and said what was child’s favorite favourite color. She said purple. I asked where she wanted the clothes dropped off she said wherever. I asked if H knew where she lived and she replied that H did know where she lived. I just said ok and got off the phone. How did I do?
I have documented this conversation here and one other place for my own protection. OW then sent a text asking for money. I feel like she gets one or the other not both. I do not think we should give her money as she can say that is what we can give as H has not received the order for the amount CS as this time and we are on a tight budget as it is.
What is absolutely crazy is this conversation made me feel better. Why I do not know! I just thought these two are the world’s biggest dumbass. He is the left cheek, she is the right cheek. Lol What I do know is that I am a special person, not because I could talk to her calmly but just for who I am. Being a BS hurts like nothing else I can describe. You wonder what is wrong with you…if your butt is to big… too small… basically what you can change about yourself that would have made things different.
What could you have done that would have made your spouse not betray you. I realized today that it wasn’t anything I did or did not do. When I meet H he was a wonderful, honest, person who had the same dreams and for family that I did. He was my mirror. That person is gone. Completely gone! When they had their AP/ONS he was a mess. Drunk…...upset that his mother had passed away and he missed her. They were and possibly are each others mirror. I know that he sure as hell isn’t mine anymore. This helped me see that. I do not know if we can be H and W anymore. I want someone who is worthy of my love. Someone who will stay in the ring with me and fight for our marriage, not someone who looks to others to put a band aid on things goes to find someone else who will make them feel good for the moment.

stronger08 posted 11/17/2013 02:41 AM

I hear ya. You do deserve better. As for the OC, if the kid is indeed your WH's he needs to support him/her. Price he has to pay for being an asshole. Its too bad your stuck in the middle of the Jerry Springer episode. And if you cant take it any longer perhaps its time to come up with an exit plan. There is nothing written in stone that says you have to endure this torture. He broke the M vows. And with that decision comes consequence.

solus sto posted 11/17/2013 10:34 AM

Do you have a formal child support agreement?

I'd want that. An agreement that outlines the financial responsibilities, so that contact was limited.

Actually, I'd want a divorce, but that's just me.

(Don't worry about the poor child freezing to death in Chicago. It's very, very warm here. Have you considered that OC's mother might be able to shop for clothes for her child herself? It's NOT something to which you need to subject yourself. That's a choice--and one you might not make. I sense the desire to seize some form of control in a situation in which you feel very little---and suggest that, perhaps, letting go of outcome would bring you more peace. Maybe having a strictly financial relationship with her would work better. I'm NOT speaking of the relationship with OC, but of the one with his mother. You need not parent her, as well.)

I'm very sorry you've been placed in this situation. I'd question my husband's ability to be a partner, as well. I hope yours steps up to the plate--or at least lets you know whether he is capable--before too much more damage is done.

[This message edited by solus sto at 10:35 AM, November 17th (Sunday)]

storm77 posted 11/17/2013 17:34 PM

I so want a divorcee. That is my gut shot gun reaction. Many many people have told me to hold off and see how I feel as time goes on. From 6 months to a year.
As for the coat I am a take charge kind of lady and they were getting on my last nerve. I have been hearing about this damn coat for over a month. WTF. Everyone sells coats go get one..the end! You are right that I do not need to parent OW. She has a mother who already did that and obviously did not do a good job.
H is waiting on the order for CS. It has not come through. H first said he wanted NC and just would provide financial support...but I am not so sure now.

I am not concerned with whether he has the ability to be a partner or not..but with whether I even want him as one. This is what I am trying to figure out. I woke up the other day and thought...yuck. He isn't what I want anymore. This may change but right now it is how I feel.

hopefulmother posted 11/17/2013 18:03 PM

You are so on track with healing. Good for you. The shock is over (where you were in love with husband)and now you stand wondering why the Hell would you want this broken f***** up man in your life (normal as your love for him changes). I didn't get to that phase till somewhere around month 4 too.

mychild posted 11/17/2013 23:09 PM

Hi and hugs:

I have a different perspective altogether. Hope it doesn't offend:

I think it is/was great that you spoke to OW.

I think it is/was great that you are taking an interest in the INNOCENT child - your daughters SISTER. She will forever be a part of your daughters lives.

I think it is great that you are buying the child clothes. I hope you continue this. I hope you and the OW can email each other with respect and civility. I hope you will continue to just buy the child things: clothes, toys, art supplies, food, anything.

You are a great mother to your girls. You can be a terrific mother to the sister of your girls also. Fuck your husband - this now, to me, has nothing to do with him. This is now about 3 people - your children and now their sister.

Be kind to your kids, now be kind to their sister. Ignore as much as you can the other fucktards in your life - because they are fucktards. But your girls and their sister are wonderful. Make sure they stay that way.

confused615 posted 11/18/2013 09:09 AM

If you aren't sure you want to stay married..and the OW doesn't have a CS order in place need to file for CS first. In a lot of states, the woman who files first will get the most money. If you and your WH do end up getting a D, you will get less CS than she does.

You don't have to go through with a divorce,even if you file. But you do need to file for CS before the OW.

storm77 posted 11/18/2013 17:40 PM

In the state I live in it does not matter who files first. If I file for legal papers OW gets child support after my alimony, and the support for my two kids as we were all present before he kid. Even iF this was not the case she had already filed and that was how I found out about ONS/AP. So this is not a major concern right now. I am really just asking myself what do I want? What do I need? I am not 100% sure to be honest. I think I would be perfectly happy not being married living with my girls. WH was gone for 1 day for a job interview. DD 10 asked if I missed him, I said no! The house was really peaceful, and full of positive energy. DD10 said she missed him and I said you are supposed to because you love him and he loves you.
I secretly thought..but I don't have too

sodamnlost posted 11/18/2013 17:57 PM

As an OC who was given up for adoption, I inly hope my biological dad's wife had/has a heart like yours. It's very hard for me to read all the BS's who hate the OC. As a BS - I cannot even imagine the place my Dad put his wife in. I am beyond grateful WH's AP didnt get pregnant. But as an adult OC - I can't imagine someone hating me for something I didn't ask for.

cantgetup posted 11/18/2013 19:25 PM

I too feel you showed great character in looking
After this child. I feel in the long run actions like this get noticed when it counts--a different kind of karma if you will (the good kind). However, as for your WS, you have a right to do whatever you want with him and not feel one iota if guilt. I always said an OC would be the dealbreaker for my marriage. That's just too much to bear. However I still would have convinced my WS to do right by the child. And with me not in his life that would have been a lot easier. Take good care and keep doing the right thing.

Gemini71 posted 11/18/2013 21:13 PM

If there is an unwritten 'wait 6 months to a year' rule, then I completely broke it. There is not set time frame for deciding what you want to do. While it's a "two steps forward, one step back" process, eventually you'll be able to see the general direction you're going.

Good luck, and continue to be the classy 'responsible adult' that you are, whatever you decide to do.

storm77 posted 11/18/2013 23:24 PM

Thanks all for your supportive words.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. It is so hard as none of this my children's fault or OC. I am angry on all of ours behalf's. I feel that lies cause more damage than the actions you are telling lies about. Basically this child has two parents who are ashamed of what they did and their child. My parents were not perfect and I understand what it feels like to be unwanted. While I am not in a place where I could nurture OC I can go get a coat even though is it not my responsibility. Whole stupid situation is just freaking sad.

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