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Newest Member: MaggieO (60733)

User Topic: ptsd in betrayed spouses?
♀ 41148
Member # 41148
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by littlemrsV0813 at 10:57 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

Posts: 44 | Registered: Oct 2013
♀ 20082
Member # 20082
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was actually told by my IC after all the shit that came with Dday #2 (by far the worst...I got an email from WH telling me he was leaving me and DD and cutting us off financially...I had to sell furniture to pay for food for three months. It was awful...but I digress) that I was suffering from PTSD. So, YES, BS are at risk of developing PTSD or PTSD-like symptoms!

Me: 33 STBXH: 34 DD: 8
D Day (EA): 6-19-08
D Day #2 (SA): 7-5-10
D Day #3 (EA): 11-8-13
WH moved out: 11-18-13
Moved BACK IN (because the lawyer told him to): 11/29/13.
Filed for Divorce: 12-9-13
In house, fun, fun.

Posts: 474 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: AL
♀ 40317
Member # 40317
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too, have been diagnosed with PTSD. While I KNOW I did not experience the close to death type of trauma war victims did, I certainly did experience a trauma none the less.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married: 19 years
2 children
2 DDays

Posts: 510 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ 19636
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me too, it is pretty common in BS's. Talk to your IC about it. There are many types of therapy and pharmacuticals that can help.

BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)

Posts: 3840 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
♀ 25560
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Raising hand. I don't want to minimize the trauma of those who have seen battle, or who have been physically threatened. But betrayal through infidelity did, in fact, set some of us up for PTSD or similar disorders. Especially if the WS continually lied, told us we weren't seeing the evidence we did see, and/or verbally and emotionally abuses the BS. Our sense of safety becomes non existent, we learn to distrust our own feelings and instincts and we doubt everything about our lives.

Hugs to both of you. This is a long, tough, journey. Get help for yourself.

Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 6149 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
♂ 30221
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After coming home from my second Viet Nam tour, I was diagnosed with Delayed Stress Reaction, a form of PTSD. The formal definition requires things that betrayed spouses have not experienced or at least I hope not.

As a betrayed, I can tell you that the symptoms are similar and the feelings that go with them are close as well.

The sense of overwhelming loss of self, paralyzing sadness and 'learned helplessness' all fit.

No, it's not PTSD. But it can be difficult to tell the difference sometimes.

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11

Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
♀ 27071
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually, my IC told me infidelity has an impact on the BS akin to PTSD. No, it's not from the same cause as our military experience but the effects / results are often much the same. As Merlin said, not the same but difficult to tell the difference.

D-Day: 8/28/2009
BW: 59 @ D-Day XH: 60 @ D-Day Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
Beyond terror is freedom. (Agnes Martin)

Posts: 1239 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri
♀ 37190
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Add me to the list of having PTSD ;( I actually had it before from a traumatic medical event and Dday made it resurface ;( it sucks. For me it was so odd - as soon as I realized the victim mentality was what triggered it - it was easier to get a grip. I still have a few symptoms once in a while but not often anymore thank goodness.

Me - BS original Dday 10-2012, separated June 2014, divorce Fall 2016

Grief, loss and pain taunt her - "you will never be the same." Like a Phoenix rising from the ashes, she rises and spreads her new wings as she brushes off the ashes an

Posts: 772 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Out of the ashes
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

People can get PTSD from a variety of reasons. The catastrophic destruction of one's life is one of those reasons.

Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!

Posts: 10722 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
♀ 36307
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely a BS can experience and suffer from PTSD. There is also secondary ptsd, which comes from residing with a person with the PTSD diagnosis.

The VA is a great resource for both PTSD as well as family/ marital counceling. The right councelor is a valuable resource because thy have an extremely diverse exposure to PTSD.

I would suggest researching resources at the va a social worker will be your greatest ally.
I have had nothing but good experience with the va resources.

Good luck.

BS: Me (65yo)FWH: HIM (67yo)) serial infidelities over past 35 years
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2013

friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over a
year a year. Now his health is declining,
among the lack of communication.

Posts: 741 | Registered: Jul 2012
♀ 39001
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We did experience death. My IC told me it was the death of my marriage as I knew it. Sadler, I know that it's true.

Me-clueless BS
Dday - 2/19/13
I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Posts: 1008 | Registered: Apr 2013
♀ 40674
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 1:53 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have PTSD symptoms regarding stuff pre A and during A and around dday. I think it's the reliving things constantly and not being able to get past them that's the key bit not what those things are. I'm getting EMDR therapy for this. It is helping

Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."

Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
♀ 41218
Member # 41218
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know about full blown PTSD but I definitely have stress reactions of a type I've never had before in my life. Never thought I'd have a panic attack at work.

I just got my intake paperwork for a therapist and it sucks that on the initial assessment I can answer "Extremely bothered" to almost every single assessment question.

Nervousness or shakiness, feeling sad or blue, heart pounding or racing, feeling hopeless about the future, feeling everything is an effort, spells of terror or panic, feelings of worthlessness, feeling no interest in things.

Yes, yes, yes to all of the above.

Me - BW 36
Him - WH 41
Together 12 years, married 7
3 year LTA with former coworker
DDay 10/29/13
He says he wants to R... can I live with what he's done?

Posts: 165 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
♀ 24938
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A good book that describes this and also gives good advice on how to heal from the trauma:
'Transcending Post Infidelity Stress Disorder' by Dr. Ortman.

Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA

Posts: 3174 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
♀ 41236
Member # 41236
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally agree with the assessment that PTSD is akin to finding out the one you based your entire existence on has betrayed you and gone outside of your relationship to another.
DOD = 9/27/13
Working on it - very hard.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NC
♂ 30231
Member # 30231
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have heard that it is not true PTSD but I had problems post dday that seemed to fit the definition. It persisted for a few years, intense anxiety triggered by events or places that reminded me of dday and the ensuing weeks.

I am glad to say that it ultimately resolved once our marriage healed, but that was after treading a hard road for a few years.

Me: BH-44. Her: WW-44
D-Day: 10/31/2010
Status: after two years of hell after
dday, we found our way to true R and it is no longer a daily or even weekly topic of discussion.

Posts: 192 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Florida
♂ 41383
Member # 41383
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:45 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

Me: WS 26
Her: BS 25
2 kids

Married 11/05/2007-present.
Dday: June 2009
Working through it.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Fair Oaks, CA
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I kinda agree with Army. I think infidelity triggers anxiety attacks (which can be similar to PTSD but PTSD has the added element of fearing for your life and/or witnessing horrors and having absolutely no control over the enviroment.

My IC mentioned possible PTSD, but I'm thinking it was anxiety. For about 5 months after DD (during S), I has insomnia and night terrors.
During the day I sometime felt my heart would leap out of my chest and I had a couple of panic attacks (that was honestly the worst part). A few times legs would buckle and I'd lose my balance (twice I had to grab onto a table to not fall over). I lost 30 pounds in about 2 months (putting me underweight on BMI) and my hair started falling out (and did for about a year).
and while I think this was anxiety attack rather than PTSD, it was HORRIBLE.

Posts: 543 | Registered: Jun 2012
♂ 37455
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PTSD develops after a terrifying ordeal that involved physical harm or the threat of physical harm. The person who develops PTSD may have been the one who was harmed, the harm may have happened to a loved one, or the person may have witnessed a harmful event that happened to loved ones or strangers.

PTSD was first brought to public attention in relation to war veterans, but it can result from a variety of traumatic incidents, such as mugging, rape, torture, being kidnapped or held captive, child abuse, car accidents, train wrecks, plane crashes, bombings, or natural disasters such as floods or earthquakes

PTSD affects about 7.7 million American adults, but it can occur at any age, including childhood. Women are more likely to develop PTSD than men, and there is some evidence that susceptibility to the disorder may run in families.

Anyone can get PTSD at any age. This includes war veterans and survivors of physical and sexual assault, abuse, accidents, disasters, and many other serious events.

Not everyone with PTSD has been through a dangerous event. Some people get PTSD after a friend or family member experiences danger or is harmed. The sudden, unexpected death of a loved one can also cause PTSD.

Latest from NIMH. I would contend that an affair constitutes abuse or other serious event.

Risk factors for PTSD include:
Living through dangerous events and traumas
Having a history of mental illness
Getting hurt
Seeing people hurt or killed
Feeling horror, helplessness, or extreme fear
Having little or no social support after the event
Dealing with extra stress after the event, such as loss of a loved one, pain and injury, or loss of a job or home

Also from the National Institute for Mental Health. The last three might sound familiar to many of the BS here. The definition you are using is outdated. I mean no disrespect, but there are other causes for PTSD.

A little background. I am a Critical Incident Stress Debriefer. I'm the guy who the firefighters and cops talk to after an *incident*. Actually anyone who has been through a major trauma, either as a witness or a *participant*. I personally had a 19 yo girl die in my arms from a flailed chest/severed arm. I pinched the axillary closed with my fingers for the 30 minute ambulance ride to the hospital.

I haven't been on the sharp end, but I think I can talk PTSD. Believe me, a BS can suffer PTSD.

ETA littlemrsV0813 sorry for the t/j. Yes, of course you can suffer PTSD.


[This message edited by 5454real at 1:06 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

BH 53, WW 45
DS 25(Mine),SD 24,SS 23(Hers),DS 12 Ours, DGS 6, DGD 2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 13yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 5430 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
♀ 32785
Member # 32785
Default  Posted: 4:15 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm afraid my viewpoint may be somewhat unpopular. As a military member (who has deployed) I think that PTSD, even in our circles, is over prescribed. Don't get me wrong, I certainly believe it is a very real and very distressing condition but I see many service people diagnosed with having PTSD when often it is an adjustment disorder or a normal response to a traumatic situation.

As an infidelity "survivor" I've experienced the flashbacks, the panic attacks and the deep depression but I don't believe this to be PTSD, coming back from deployments I've had issues with settling back in, again I don't believe this to be PTSD. I am however responding in a normal way to difficult situations.

I understand the need to label our responses, it neatens things up, makes s normal, relatable and fixable but I've also seen first hand true PTSD and am wary of labelling a traumatic response as such.

We make our own fortunes and call them fate, and what better excuse to choose a path then to insist it's our destiny.

Posts: 610 | Registered: Jul 2011
Topic Posts: 31
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