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Ok, just had some moments of clarity that I thought I would share just in case it helps someone else.

They "Why" question. Its a hard one to answer and if your "why" is ever about any other person, than you aren't on the right track. So here is my "why".

Before the A and my BH was just my H, he was very distant and non-participatory in our relationship (I do not say this to lay blame, but as factual and important to explain MY failings). Here is where my mistakes began. I thought that this was all about ME. His lack of love for me, or keeping up his end of the marriage vows, etc. I completely FAILED to see that he was dealing with is own emotional issues that had nothing to do with our marriage. I failed to see a hurting person, I failed to have empathy for his experience. All I could see was MY hurt and MY anger.

So I pursued....relentlessly initiated- talking, sex, intimacy of any kind. Sometimes I was successful. Most of the time I was left hurt. But that was the LAST think my husband needed from me. So he pushed away more and more. So I got angrier, and saw him for the person he is less and less. All he heard from me was disappointment and judgement.

I seriously thought that I was the only one working on my marriage, when I wasn't "working" at all. I was tearing it apart. I was trying to get my needs met, so consumed by rejection and fury that I couldn't see the person sitting right in front of me. I had no clue about selflessly looking to see what he needed. I was so ignorant, I thought he just didn't care. And I gave up. Not in one instance. Never fully realizing it. But I had.

So that led to my selfish decision. Because I made the whole thing about me. I became so angry that empathy was impossible. And now that I see the big picture, how shitty to hurt someone who already so wounded.

This, despite its pain for you, helped me gain an insight I would likely never have gotten otherwise.

Thank you for your words and your courage.

Why was your H distant and non-participatory?

My H had a rough childhood, mainly due to his mother's mental illness (she was his primary parent, due to divorce). He learned to cope by suppressing his feelings, not ever being truly vulnerable to anyone, and by care taking as a means to prove his worth. He has struggled with his own self worth (so my unhappiness was a huge blow to how he viewed himself).

I really wish I had realized how much this was affecting the way he interacted in our relationship.

Does he engage with you more now?

Yes and No.

We are currently separated because he needed time to sort through everything- my betrayal, the crappy state of our marriage pre-A, and childhood stuff. We see each other often due to our unique separation arrangement (We take turns staying with the kids at home an an apartment. We only don't see each other about 3 days a week, but never spend the night at the same place) .

Some days he is tuned in and more loving. Initiating hugs, enjoying talking, etc. Other days (like today) he seems preoccupied, distant, and not wanting affection.

My hope is that as we both work on our personal stuff and deal with the hurt, that I will be able to adjust my need for intimacy to "need" it less and that he will be able to be more engaged and affectionate. That what we have to give and need to get has enough overlap for us to be happy. But we will have to see.

Hoping we aren't too different. But if we are, I truly wish we could have learned about it without the hurt that I have caused through my gross misunderstanding about our issues.